Abandoned at 6 weeks pregnant - AIBU to shut down?

Exactly.

Having read OP updates, I tend to agree. Children are all consuming especially at first and I don’t think the OP is in the right place to be a (single, without support) mother right now. There’s a lot of healing and therapy to be done OP. Then you can think about it when you are stronger and more stable.

Op, if you kept the baby he'd be back on the scene again and intentionally cause trouble for you both for years to come. Abusers love to create and cause problems, especially in this sort of dynamic. As you've said, he hates you and he'll hate the baby too and will revel in making your lives hell. I wish you well and well done for getting rid of him.

Of course it’s a thing, autism has a huge genetic component and so do many other mental health issues (tendency towards depression or addictive personality traits etc).

Genetic doesnt always mean inherited

But to say that the person's genes shouldn't be allowed to continue and that the child will probably attack the mother?

Absolutely there is an inherited element to ADHD, but most people with ADHD do not become violent, myself and my child included.

To assume the child will be violent based on purely his genes is horrid, and it's manipulative.

Since when did 'pro choice' mean using manipulation to persuade someone to abort? They're would be an uproar if it was the other way round.

Why can't we just support the op to make the decision that's right for her, target than trying to manipulate our guilt trip her into anything. It's perfectly fine if she chooses to abort, but it's perfectly fine if she wishes to continue as well. That's what choice means.

Horrible, horrible situation OP.

Apart from the fact that having his child would link you for ever to him, whether you see him or not, I'd be worried about the possible genetic inheritance of psychopathic tendencies from this monster.

You're still young. It might not feel like it, but your future self will thank you for getting yourself out of this.

This would be my concern. I couldn’t live with the stress of being tied to such a horrible person for the rest of my life and wondering if he was going to pop up and demand to see the child. That child is at risk, permanently. He already admitted to beating his previous children - I couldn’t put another through that.
I would have to terminate. He doesn’t deserve to father/sperm donate any more.

I'm sorry, what an awful situation. Glad that you know the truth of who he is and that you've removed him from your life.

You have time and should take it to consider if ending the pregnancy is what you want. I'd speak to a therapist if you can (or see about a referral from your doctor) to try and make sense of some of the feelings. If you decide that having this child isn't the right decision for you, there's nothing to say you can't look at welcoming a child into your life at another point in the future under less stressful circumstances. I'm not trying to be flippant by saying that, but if you think that you couldn't love this child properly because of who their father is, perhaps it's kinder to both yourself and them to not go through with the pregnancy.

@sotiredimightreallydie It's important to know that many ND conditions like autism and ADHD do have a strong genetic factor and associated conditions are known to be linked to a specific gene that is carried on the male chromosome.
So it is relevant to mention this.

Well there are lots of variables but there does seem to be a genetic (inheritable) factor to childhood aggression, from what I can make out here.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11167064/

While half of the variance in childhood aggression is attributed to genetic factors, the biological mechanism and the interplay between genes and environment that results in aggression remains elusive.

The paper does conclude with the need for more studies on the subject.

Of course OP needs to make the right decision for her, but who can tell what ‘right’ is now, and in the future. Everyone makes mistakes in life, and holds regrets.

I think OP has been very brave in opening up here, whatever decision she comes to.

Do you really want to give this poor chils that specimen as a father? What is best for the child do that

In think an effort to be kind, some people aren't being very fair here.

What's important is that the OP makes the choice that is right for her, but most importantly, that it is her choice.

Laying it on thick about how the baby might be like his dad and attack her, how those tainted genes shouldn't be allowed to continue etc, are quite horrid. Being the child of a monster does not make someone a monster. If the OP was seven months pregnant instead, she'd be be reassured of that one here.

Yes objectively the simplest thing to do is to regulate. But life's not that simple and emotions aren't that simple.

I think the best way for the op to make the decision that is right for her, whatever that is, is for her to give herself a week. Let some of the emotions settle, have time to think. It'll still be very early, but I don't think the op is in the right frame of mind to make any decisions now.

Pushing her into terminating, scaremongering about the personality of the child are just as bad as trying to force her to continue the pregnancy, albeit I know they come from good intentions.

A friend of mine dated arseholes (always seemed lovely at first!) and had an abortion at age 36 under similar very circumstances - the guy first accused her of sleeping around and said it must be someone else's, and then started showing his true colours. She didn't want to bring a baby into the world that was a part of someone so nasty, even though she was worried about never having a baby.

After that she took some time to learn to love herself. Did things that made her happy.

She met her current (and genuinely super lovely) DH at 42, and they have a DD.

You need to remember that this baby shares genetics with someone who is not a nice person, and who already has a violent child with ASD/ADHD. You will have a life long connection with this violent person. I appreciate they have abandoned their current children, but you would need to be prepared if this man decided he wanted to be part of the baby's life and want regular access.

There is no shame in terminating a pregnancy.

Such wise and compassionate advice. This is what you need, OP.
It’s kindness to you, who are in need of it, and kindness to a potential child, too.

As was pointed out, this pregnancy wasn’t planned at all, so you lose nothing by terminating it, in terms of any particular plans you had for the immediate future.(That brief welling up of euphoria can be ascribed to any number of very obvious reasons, none of which was the Universe telling you this was its plan for you!)

@NattyEagle

Was the counselling arranged for you via your GP, OP?

Try to see one of the GPs again today or Monday.

Once this is behind you, you can work towards establishing more in the way of resources, so putting yourself in a better situation when considering having children in the future.

I have in mind not only resources of a tangible kind, such as suitable housing and enough money, but also resources such as support from a future partner.

Take a deep breath and step forward confidently, knowing that you are doing the best thing by prioritising your own needs.

But also to add, I met my husband at 38 and had a baby at 41. It’s not too late for you to be a mum if you don’t continue this pregnancy.

This is not something I’d usually suggest, but given that he is abusive and violent, can you tell him that you’ve aborted, then move away and have the baby on your own? You can’t risk this man getting access to your baby, but if you feel you can’t abort either and want to be a mum, then I would consider this option.

Can I suggest you look at this from another angle, OP?

This pregnancy was never planned. You agreed to see what happened (?)
So in other words, no contraception or not regularly and decide what to do if it happened.
You said you were not 'allowed' to use the MAP- what the heck does that mean?

So, by terminating this pregnancy you will be in no different situation to had you not become pregnant - because this pregnancy wasn't a joint choice, it was unplanned. There was never a plan to have a baby together.

You'd still be 34 with no baby. The difference now is you would be a single mum , with MH issues and a terrible man in the background.

That's not what you wanted, I'm sure.

Op, you keep saying you love him/loved him but the simple truth is that you didn’t even know him. He faked EVERYTHING and lied to you. You were in love with a (very shitty) illusion. You were easy to trick as you have a parent wound inside you that’s desperate to be filled up with love. I get it, I’ve been there myself and spent most of my life in therapy.But I’ll let you into a secret… nobody else can fill that gaping wound apart from you. You need to be gentle with yourself, you need to call your local mental health crisis team and get the support you need to do the right thing. Or be strong and see those pills as the very symbolic step of eradicating him from your life. Those pills cut the string that holds you together.

realistically a baby will make your life ten times harder and you will be even more unhappy. All you will do is compound your current mental health issues and multiply them and add another burden onto you and that burden could well turn out to be severely autistic and need 24 hour care for life.

invest in YOU. Get short term medical mental health intervention and long term therapy . Tell yourself every day that you are worth more. Go on a journey of self discovery and start a hobby that fills your heart with joy and gives you some self esteem. Build a decent foundation and create a happy fulfilled life. THAT is proper fertility, cultivating your own happy little garden and watching it bloom with a smile on your face. It’s not peeing on a stick and giving birth. There are plenty and plenty of shit parents out there as you know first hand. Don’t swell their ranks. Get your therapy, stand straight and proud and only when you are happy on your own and with your own company should you have a baby. I’m not saying don’t be in a relationship in time, I’m saying that ANY relationship can fail or end no matter how good, life happens. And single parent hood is hard even when you are mentally stable. Never mind when you are trauma bonded to the monster that’s made your life hell. Children need routine and peace and love, not drama addiction, abuse, physical violence and an emotional waste ground.

i really hope you come through this and make the right choice.

Yes, I think OP should take this very seriously.
If she can’t see why this pregnancy is a bad idea from every angle (not least because babies are not remedies for their mother’s traumas), she should be thinking of what you warn about.
This man will make himself a toxic element in her life if she is known to have his child (and she would be.) What is worrying is whether she’d withstand any blandishments he might offer about a reconciliation, even despite all she has heard since she thought it worth investigating his bona fides as a man.
After all, she was apparently ‘blissfully happy’ with him without that info, so who knows what he might pull to convince her it was all vicious lies.

It’s all far too much of a risk, and she needs to act swiftly before this pregnancy has time to work on her malleable side. Get rid, and shut that link with him down for good.

I've only read your first post, so sorry you're going through this.
But I just wanted to tell you my first DH died when I was 34, I met my now DH around a year later and we have an almost 3 year old, so it's not your last chance to have children.

He COULD claim the child just to mess up your life. And insist on a DNA test if not named as the father on the birth certificate.

Don’t underestimate the lengths evil people will go to just for their own entertainment.

People can trash your life without seeing you. As the father, he could do all sorts of nasty stuff to unsettle you and make life miserable. Calling social services, contacting your child’s school, taking you to court for access (even if he doesn’t then follow through). All sorts.

Kindly, don’t put your and your child’s life in this disgusting man’s hands.

Hi Op, so sorry you are all alone and having a truly awful time with nobody to sit with you while you take the pills and go through the termination. It sounds harrowing.
I don’t know if the charities that do abortions would be more supportive, upthread you said they are pro life so maybe not a good route.
What about the Samaritans? You can talk to them for as long as you need and as often as you want to, they won’t hang up on you if you want some one to be on the end of the phone while you’re doing it. They are on a central system so if you’re not finding the one you got particularly helpful or sympathetic you can hang up and dial again to get a different one.
Remember they are volunteers and are generally really good patient people who listen to the most harrowing stories so what you are sharing they will have heard it before.
Sending you a hug in this difficult time, this too shall pass, it always does.