To want BIL to ask what we would actually like for birthdays?

Why don’t you just say let’s stop doing gifts or do them at Christmas only but use Elfster or something?

Bizarre! What do you buy them?

Yes, just say stop doing gifts, you barely see them, they are making an effort, if it’s not good enough, just put a stop to it.

Maybe I'm just a miserable sod but this is why I find gift giving such a ballache. We are all so materialistic now that we mostly have anything that we want already. Gift giving becomes a pain because you can't win. People seem to take it as a personal insult if you get it even a little bit wrong. Gift receiving is a ballache because you're pressured either into being very specific about something you want even though you might not want any more crap in your life or you're pressurised into acting elated because you've been gifted yet more crap to deal with...

If your children already have the gifts your BIL is giving then they probably already have everything they could want or need. Just smile at BIL and say thanks, give it away to somebody who actually needs it and massively slim down the number of people you're exchanging gifts with. It doesn't need to create resentment or a horribly entitled attitude towards your loved ones.

Some people like to put the thought in to choosing gifts themselves, but maybe ask them to check with you or your DH before buying to avoid duplicates given this has happened multiple times

I have in-laws like this, it drives me mad! So their reasoning is that they like to pick something of their choosing and vice-versa, they want us to choose something for their child of our own choice that we think they would like. Which is a nice idea, however, as you say many duplicate gifts have been bought on both sides and quite often what they choose my children is not what they would want. My 18 year old was bought a cross stitch kit - she has never expressed an interest in cross stitch and hates intricate crafts.

I would love to stop the gift buying however, there’s a significant age gap between our children (& we have 2 and they have 1) we feel we need to carry on with the gift giving so it’s fair. We have tried the let’s take them all on an outing when they were younger but it fell flat. Given it’s my husband’s side of the family, I’ve made it a him problem and he refuses to give cash or vouchers. I understand your frustration!

My parents do this. I need to just agree that we don't do gifts any more. I particularly hate personalised gifts made of plastic as it's so much more likely to end up in landfill.

Have you mentioned it to them at all?

"Thanks so much for DS's present, it was really kind of you. Unfortunately he already has the exact same thing! Perhaps it's worth pinging us in advance to check when you are choosing next time. Thanks again!"

Type of thing?

We aren't close to them and see them very rarely (maybe once a year) so it's not like they know what we or the children like or want and base it off that.

Well to be fair they seem to have a pretty good grasp of what you do like if duplicates are an ongoing problem, you obviously must like the items if you already have them.

That’s how I was brought up to do gifts. The giver chooses a gift for the recipient, and buys something they’d think the birthday child would like. Part of the pleasure is deciding what to buy, rather than being given a shopping list.

However, a quick email like @42goingon14 suggests, or a broad conversation that child is into Barbie not Sindy prior to the birthday wouldn’t go amiss.

No I don’t ask anyone because I buy what’s in my budget and they can do what they want with it. My ds is into Lego, switch games , a sport and those are expensive things! I’m not going to tell anyone to get him those sorts of things, in the same way I wouldn’t want to be told as well. I wouldn’t personalise anything though.
most recently I am just doing vouchers. I don’t care that it’s impersonal, but it seems like children have everything these days so I’m just going to make my life easier and do vouchers

We have the same issue with our childen's grand parents. It is so lovely that they buy them extra treats but it is normally things like toy cars or baby dolls that our children already have too many of and will therefore be doomed to go to Vinted/Charity so it feels like a waste of money. I totally understand that having to ask ahead of time takes the fun out of it, but are these things really 'gifts' when they do not benefit the receiver in anyway.

Easy stop the presents.
Just buy yourself what you need.

Just tell him (diplomatically) what you'd like. Or drop some heavy hints. Or even tell him his gifts aren't always appropriate. Otherwise, accept what he gives with good grace, then pass them on to someone who'd like them.

Honestly, I don't see the point in telling someone what to get me because then I may aswell just get it myself. It's a transaction by that point.

I'd always rather receive a gift that someone has put some thought into, even if it doesn't quite land. I appreciate the thought and effort.

But if you're not close, and don't even know each other well enough to gauge what the other likes, why are you even bothering with gifts?

Personally, I'd much prefer to tell someone what to get me. I start compiling a list around September and don't buy things I need or want. I give the list to my DCs and they can pick and choose from the list. It takes away stress from them, saves money and means I get something I appreciate rather than some random unnecessary frippery.

What happened to it’s the thought that counts. If someone buys me or my children something then I feel happy they’ve thought of us and I teach my children to be grateful. It makes me sad people are this transactional.

I agree.

Some people like being given a list and told what to buy, others like choosing a gift and love to surprise someone. Often based on how gift giving works in their family or when they were a child. Neither is right or wrong, just different. As it's just one family member and the others presumably follow the approach you prefer, I would suck it up and let them do as they like.

Just stop the gifts. I had a big birthday last year and my bil gave me some regifted gone off chocolates and a regifted candle. We'd brought his wife a lovely voucher for a restaurant she loves just a couple of years before. They've plenty of money so its not about that, but I'd have been happy with just a basically thoughtful gift, however small. I was really hurt by the disdain this showed towards me. I've told dh he can sort all their gifts from now on as I just feel too hurt by it. I suspect he will forget.

It's a waste of money to be bought something you don't want/ have already.

always something generic and this year a week late

Blimey - yeah, that does sound ungrateful and rude.

DH’s daughter (age 50) always buys utter SHITE from Home Bargains and B&M. Crap gift sets that nobody wants. They are embarrassingly awful.
We have often told her that a nice Christmas card is fine but she’s a freeloading taker. I think she buys £4/5 shit presents for everyone knowing that she will get decent, thoughtful gifts back.
The whole Christmas gift thing is a minefield for lots of people.
OP, there are a few good suggestions on here about contacting BIL and saying something like ‘ Heads up on Suzie’s birthday! She’s had some lovely gifts from you. At the moment she’s crazy about Barbie - it’s all she seems to want! She has got some Barbie stuff but no car, boat etc ….Hope this helps”