To want BIL to ask what we would actually like for birthdays?

Same.

Tho clearly the BIL isn't actually bad at gift giving given the number of duplicates - actually he seems to be quite good at picking out what the OP and her child likes..

It's clear he isn't a gift lift person which personally I think is fine. But if you want to avoid duplicates - you might go with "hey, birthday coming up, last time you were so spot on with the gift that we already had it! If you get a chance, it would be great if you could check what you're thinking of before you buy so I can let you know if we already have it. Thanks so much!"

Something like that deals with the duplicate issue while not insisting on a list which is clearly not his preference

I really dislike adults (not adult children)making requests.you have no idea what someone s budget is. Honestly what a privilege that somobe wants to give you a gift. Where is your gratitude

My PIL are the same except it's the same stuff every single year. The irony is, many years ago when we thought long and hard about something to get them (because we always ask for ideas but never get them) they were really rude in rejecting what we got them. So I thoughy ok, it's acceptable to reject presents in this family. So I really politely said thanks but that's just something I'd ever use, I got a full on tantrum and passive aggressive comments for a few years afterwards. So we now factor in a trip to the charity shop or tip if it's not suitable charity every year.

I don't understand the problem with lists, why would it be rude. I would understand if an adult relative sent a list of really expensive stuff, sure that's not okay, but otherwise wouldn't we all want to get them something they really like?

I had quite the spat with somebody a while ago who insisted that people who asked for present ideas were lazy gits who should put more effort in. I said at that time that I rarely saw my young relatives so would have no idea what they already have or what they might like to receive. That was regarded as no excuse whatsoever.

If you already have the gift it would seem that they are hitting the nail on the head. Do you actually ask them what they want as a matter of course? Every time?

I only think it’s rude to be ungrateful for gifts you do receive or for adults to send lists. I think agreeing not to buy gifts at all is a good solution.

I’m surprised that birthday gifts are exchanged between you and an adult relative in law that you barely see. Just stop the gifts between you.

for the kids just let him buy whatever he wants. This really isn’t something to stress about. Presumably your kids receive gifts they like from other family members and friends

When gift giving/receiving becomes an issue to complain about, or build resentment over, it’s lost any meaning it once had. It’s time to stop. Easy.

Have a conversation or send a message and let them know that,for whatever reason, you are no longer doing gifts so no need for them to send any.

Yes I thought so, I try to be so thoughtful and was very hurt by it. I'm ashamed to say it actually made me cry a little. I'll get over it obviously, but it did hurt.

And this is why I have stopped buying gifts for everyone except dh and adult dd. I don't want shit generic gifts. I don't want gifts at all from people! Makes Xmas so much simpler.

That is really shitty. “Disdain” is the right word.

Lovely idea! So much work and thought. Well done. I used to make everyone a Delia Smith Christmas pudding but I haven’t got the energy now.

But sometimes the thought is “ This will do for X” - often there’s no thought gone into it.

If we really can’t use it or already have one then we donate it so someone else can get the use out of it. I can understand giving a heads up what children like but I think it’s very rude for an adult to present anyone with suggestions of what they would like unless asked.

Just send your BIL a list of suggestions in October. Say the CoL crisis is biting so you'd like every present to really count. Ask for his help.

I've solved Christmas presents for my family. I make each household a cake.

They all have visitors over Christmas, all have teens or young adults so need huge amounts of food, and one thing you cannot get in the shops is a decent cake, just over-sweet, synthetically flavoured rubbish.

So I make lemon drizzle cakes with freshly grated lemon rind, home made lemon curd, properly tangy. Or chocolate cakes that actually contain 70% cocoa dark chocolate. Or apple and cinnamon with fresh spices.

It's become a tradition now, people asking what this year's cake will be.

I can cater for any allergies so no-one is left out, and I spend a day or two baking rather than shopping.

It saves all the angst 😊

DH’s daughter (age 50) always buys utter SHITE from Home Bargains and B&M. Crap gift sets that nobody wants. They are embarrassingly awful.
We have often told her that a nice Christmas card is fine but she’s a freeloading taker. I think she buys £4/5 shit presents for everyone knowing that she will get decent, thoughtful gifts back.
The whole Christmas gift thing is a minefield for lots of people.
OP, there are a few good suggestions on here about contacting BIL and saying something like ‘ Heads up on Suzie’s birthday! She’s had some lovely gifts from you. At the moment she’s crazy about Barbie - it’s all she seems to want! She has got some Barbie stuff but no car, boat etc ….Hope this helps”

always something generic and this year a week late

Blimey - yeah, that does sound ungrateful and rude.

It's a waste of money to be bought something you don't want/ have already.

Just stop the gifts. I had a big birthday last year and my bil gave me some regifted gone off chocolates and a regifted candle. We'd brought his wife a lovely voucher for a restaurant she loves just a couple of years before. They've plenty of money so its not about that, but I'd have been happy with just a basically thoughtful gift, however small. I was really hurt by the disdain this showed towards me. I've told dh he can sort all their gifts from now on as I just feel too hurt by it. I suspect he will forget.

Some people like being given a list and told what to buy, others like choosing a gift and love to surprise someone. Often based on how gift giving works in their family or when they were a child. Neither is right or wrong, just different. As it's just one family member and the others presumably follow the approach you prefer, I would suck it up and let them do as they like.

I agree.

What happened to it’s the thought that counts. If someone buys me or my children something then I feel happy they’ve thought of us and I teach my children to be grateful. It makes me sad people are this transactional.

Personally, I'd much prefer to tell someone what to get me. I start compiling a list around September and don't buy things I need or want. I give the list to my DCs and they can pick and choose from the list. It takes away stress from them, saves money and means I get something I appreciate rather than some random unnecessary frippery.

Honestly, I don't see the point in telling someone what to get me because then I may aswell just get it myself. It's a transaction by that point.

I'd always rather receive a gift that someone has put some thought into, even if it doesn't quite land. I appreciate the thought and effort.

But if you're not close, and don't even know each other well enough to gauge what the other likes, why are you even bothering with gifts?