AIBU to feel uneasy about a teacher commenting on my daughter's eyes?

It probably would have been better if you discussed this with DD before starting the thread.

I’ve been a teacher for six years and have never had safeguarding training tell me to not comment on students’ appearance 🙄 in fact in my training year I was told that I SHOULD compliment students to try and build relationships with them. I’d be interested to know what the behaviour is like at your DD’s school. It’s a common behaviour management strategy to make positive phone calls. Eg “I’m making two positive phone calls home this week, I’m looking to see who deserves it the most.” The fact you’ve had two suggests there may be behaviour issues and this is being pushed as a way teachers can try to improve this. Same with building relationships, it can minimise poor behaviour. Especially if someone is a new teacher, they’ll be getting the brunt of the behaviour as kids try to push their buttons. Just last week I was given tips on things to say to students to make conversation with them and show that I’m taking an interest in them. I’d check in with your DD about how her lessons are with this teacher that complimented her to check nothing else strange happens, but I do despair at the witch-hunt attitude sparked here.

I just wonder how the DSLs across the country will cope given that people are suggesting the eye comment is a “major red flag” - I would imagine that there are about 30 similar comments by every teacher at least every day. Totally over the top.

For the sake of clarity: The praising teacher is not the same as the eye-complimenting teacher. Teachers are apparently encouraged, these days, to call and/or send postcards to pupils' parents to tell them when their children are doing well. This is clearly school policy and not a safeguarding issue. The person commenting on lovely eyes (just the once) may or may not be problematic, that is yet to be ascertained. The OP is wisely going to be keeping an eye (oh yes) on things.

The teacher who called the mum to talk about her daughter doing well and the teacher who complimented the daughter’s eyes are different teachers. The eye one is definitely a massive red flag. He hasn’t said anything to the mum and has actually complimented her daughter’s eyes more than once! And not in front of her mum.

He’s mentioned it before and she felt uncomfortable enough to joke to her friend before the lesson about hoping he didn’t mention her eyes again. I think this is really, really wrong and I highly recommend you report it to the school and ask them to put it on record so that if similar incidents have happened before or since, they can spot the pattern. Ask her to tell you if he mentions it again. I know it’s difficult and you don’t want to overreact but his behaviour absolutely screams “grooming”.

The ‘eyes’ comment does sound a bit creepy, yes. Phoning home to share positive comments is not creepy, and is something I used to do as a teacher, when I realised that the only time I was phoning parents was to impart something negative. I wanted to ensure that I balanced my parental contact time. Additionally, it made me end my day on a positive note! I would firstly find out if it’s the same member of staff, then monitor for a month.

I wonder if it's worth letting the designated safeguarding lead know about the eye comment. If this teacher has made other comments to other children it may build a bigger picture. If all parents just brush it off that picture might never been seen, and something untoward may get missed. If this was just a one off random comment, inappropriate or not, the school and the teacher will not have anything to worry about. I'm an early years teacher, and so I don't have any experience of secondary school interactions other than my own, but at my primary school we are told in safeguarding training by our DSL that even if it seems a small thing, put it on CPOMS as she is the one who has to make those decisions, not us.

I often compliment children on various things clothes, hair etc. It makes them feel good. Maybe your daughter does have beautiful eyes and that poor teacher said it out loud without remembering he was in 2026 when every single compliment means he's about to start grooming her.

Is it still considered that if they got married when she was older?

Maybe Ricky Gervais was right and some men "pre-order".

I wouldn’t jump to conclusions, but definitely keep an eye on it! I remember my third-grade teacher bursting into the girls’ bathroom during shower time on a residential trip with his camera. He made it into a game, and we all thought it was hilarious.
What a creep.

My cousin sadly just got married to the high school teacher that groomed her!

these things happen

As a teacher, yes, we do....often.

Teachers always make phone calls home to praise students

the teachers at my DDs’ school do call and sing dc praises so it’s not that odd to me. Comments about eyes are something that feels odd.

What was the school’s response to this looking under the table? This school sounds like it has a relaxed attitude to inappropriate behaviour by male teachers. Please be very vigilant and ask all your children’s friends and their parents what they think of Mr X. My inner alarm is screaming.

? The teachers are there to teach. Not pass comment on appearances.

Did we have Year 11 30 years ago? I thought it was still years 1st year to 5th year in Secondary School (then 6th form if you had a 6th form)

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s since been arrested. A teacher who did things like that at my secondary school 25 years ago has just been arrested for offences against much younger children. This kind of things is incredibly serious. I cannot overstate this: if any of your children have things like this said to them, take it very, very seriously. If you hear that one of their friends has received such a compliment from a teacher, speak to that friend and in any of the above situations, report it to the school and ask whether they are aware of that teacher making other such comments to children. Please, everybody, don’t give the benefit of the doubt to teachers like this. If they have done nothing wrong, an investigation will show that. Err on the side of caution. If me and my schoolfriends had spoken up 25 years ago, our teacher may not have gone on to harm other children.

There is a big difference between an off the cuff remark and going to a teachers house. This is just a comment , like the OP said making conversation ie like the pen that was said in an open setting. If parents start complaining and querying such innocuous remarks schools will have no time actually to educate

I think what you are describing is very different!! I would tell a student they look great or have nice hair etc, this is to help their self esteem, doesn't make me a nonce!

Sorry but that is so inappropriate and the teachers will have had training telling them so. Would you tell a colleague of the opposite sex they have ‘nice eyes’?

when I was at school we had a teacher like this. Detentions or extra lessons were sometimes given at his house and the girls were given lollipops to suck. Is that still appropriate or was he just handing out sweets? (He later went to jail for running an online ‘operation’)

OP, the fact that your daughter didn’t mention it more likely means it did make her uncomfortable. Would she normally tell you if a teacher said something good about her to her? Her work, or her behaviour? You said she tells you if the teacher shouts at the class. I think it’s even worse if it was the same teacher that called you but the compliment on her eyes is a red flag regardless. Please see my comment on your original post if you think I’m overreacting!

I bet she still thinks about that too.

😂😂😂 lol!! It was different then wasn't it! I bet that girl thought it was cool though TBH

It might be totally innocent.

But that sounds like flirting to me. I remember hearing the same thing from guys in nightclubs. Showing my age there.

What does she like to eat the most? Food high in vitamin E can give you a nice shine to your eyes.