AIBU to worry about my stepson's aggression towards the younger children?

@Wafflecakes also, I know there’s lots of people saying blended family’s never work, but they can. It’s more hard work for sure especially when the kids are teens and there’s gonna be rough patches - but my parents both remarried and had blended families and it worked out. I know a few blended families now as an adult and I will say they range in how successful they are, but it can work. You’ve got your work cut out I won’t lie, but if you all put your heads together and communicate I’m sure it will be fine. I look back on my childhood and it was happy one, I am now and adult and love my step mum and step dad and I appreciate them and all they did for me and my siblings and I’m glad both my parents found happiness. Yes, the majority of blended families have their issues but if you work on it it can work. :)

Your DH needs to parent him everytime, not just when other adults witness the violence.

Your SS needs counselling, no ifs and buts from your DH.

If your DH doesn't engage with correcting his behaviour and helping his son. Then you'll have to do whatever necessary to protect your little DD. Visits at grandparents only, or living apart but together just to throw out a couple of options.

Edit to add: These things take time so in the short term, SS is never left alone with DD. Your DH has to supervise him 24/7. That'll be enough motivation to sort the root of the problem.

(From a fellow stepmum who is dealing with similar issues)

Initially I'd make a real point of taking all the other kids out and leaving dh and his son to it. Every single time, without fail. Seperate spaces entirely at home. Even of that means dh and dc share a room and you share woth the other kids.

Force DH to live with his choice until he can address it.

Your husband really should not have produced another child when he can’t look after the son he already has… but that’s too late now isn’t it !

I would bet your step son’s problems are a product of his environment, rather than any neurodiversity.

Poor boy probably confused as hell by all these step relatives and half sister and god knows who else in his life !
sounds like he is crying out for some stability .

The poor SS is having a horrible time between his parents but you are doing nothing wrong and are doing the right thing protecting your daughter

i was older, about 10 when we nearly became a blended family. My brothers and I used to fight but it was nothing like the pain I got from my could be step brother

you shouldn’t have to take your children out of their safe environment to accommodate him

While your stepson has never lived in a nuclear family unit, he may now be more aware of what it means to him - he’s a bit of a floater between 2 very different houses.

that cannot be easy, and as a child he is acting out with poor behaviour because kids often cannot make sense of their world or emotions.

This isn’t your responsibility, but I think he needs therapy and as a parent I would be trying to get support to help in.

for you, I’d never leave my kids around him unsupervised.

If your DD tells school about the abuse she is receiving at home your and you partner will have an awful lot of explaining to do. His overt misogynistic violence will not be tolerated over your younger children's welfare. They will be removed from your care if you cannot provide a safe home for them. Social services can and will leave you both with the violent teenager and remove the younger children.

Please tell us he’s taken his son to Disneyland Paris too…

I think you all need help. This isn’t just a child problem. He shouldn’t just be spent to therapy. With young children, the adults around them also need to be heavily involved in the therapeutic work/intervention. From his world, he doesn’t have much stability- it’s quite messy for him.

He doesn’t seem to have stability, might be more aware of other family units and is showing this with lashing out, he needs care and support.

If your husband refuses to do anything about it you need to take him to therapy as his own issues are getting in the way of effective parenting

Only in a blended family can a child’s place in the home be threatened rather than any sort of stability or decent parenting happen.

You’re doing the right things OP.

I had the same issues with SS7. Since splitting with my ex, SS’s mum has opened up to me about him having serious behavioural issues in her home too. My ex did nothing to address it.

Obviously I’m sad the relationship ended for the sake of our shared child, but I’m not at all sad to not have to worry about her being hurt any time my back was turned anymore.

He sounds like he's got attachment issues and he's going after your girls in particular.

Safety first. He's physical with your youngest. Is he physical with your 9 year old too? He can't be left alone with your kids.

Does your husband give him consequences when he gets physical with your youngest? You say your husband spends the most time with this child. Your youngest barely sees him, so he's not really much of a parent to her.

Therapy. This is happening at school and at home. He needs help. But as an above poster said, are you all going to be able to participate in what family therapy requires? You have a very busy family.

If your kids are in danger, your husband needs to take his custody time elsewhere. Rent a small apartment, or move out altogether. I think your idea that he takes his custody time at his parents' place will work, at least to keep him safe.

I feel bad for him. He's grown up moving between households where nothing is stable and he's learned how to get attention for himself in negative ways and your husband is still taking him on the big trip rather than necessary therapy.

Gentle parenting = shit parenting.

The little lad is obviously not doing well. The wishy washy bollox from both parents is certainly a contributing factor. Its only going to get worse. I wouldn't be letting him anywhere near your 3 yr old. He could really hurt them.

Everyone agrees this is not normal or ok.

Sounds like all parents and step parents doing their best.

I’d recommend taking him to a clinical psychologist - they can take reports from school etc and help get to the bottom of the problem and recommend further therapy

He just needs clear boundaries / discipline which you say he doesn’t ever get. How is he ever going to learn what is right from wrong if no-one spells it out to him. This will only get worse if he is not taught now.

What are the consequences for him when he is aggressive to the girls? That’s what needs addressing.

Maybe get some professional help to unwrap his feelings. Better than the Portugal week the two of them going on if you need to pay.

I’d never do it, personally.

You keep detailing the perspective of the parents when posters are trying to give you the perspective of the child.

This is not about the parents. What happened happened, they might be managing the situation as well as they can, and they might even be managing it well.

But it doesn't matter, it will still be a very difficult environment for an 8yo, and clearly he isn't doing well right now.

Why is it selfish to have another child in this scenario? Should everyone stop at one child?!

Children hate their parents separating. It causes massive trauma. Its even worse if parents then introduce stepparents & go off and live with that family.

Its so so shit for the kid, i understand why he is aggressive and resentful of your DC.