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Original poster

To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

1000 replies

NotHerGran · 23/09/2026 12:32

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable.

My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house.

They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her.

I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself.

The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter.

We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child

I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare.

I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family.

AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

OP posts:
CruelsummerTS · Yesterday 09:30

InterIgnis · 25/09/2026 21:28

I’m glad you’ve spoken to your son and that you’re on the same page.

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I’d love to know what page his wife is on though

Piglet89 · Yesterday 09:29

Thatsalineallright · Yesterday 08:59

Wow, so a parent in the military on overseas missions no longer counts then? They can expect to be replaced and have their child calling someone else 'mum' or 'dad'.

What a horrible, dismissive attitude to a loving parent.

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@Thatsalineallrightif you’re not present, you’re not as involved a parent. Doesn’t mean you don’t love your kid or that you “don’t count” (and I ever said that - don’t twist my words) but you’re not nearly as involved in the incredibly hard work of raising them, no.

Sometimes necessity (like a military career) means one must be absent. The situation with this little girl’s dad probably isn’t that, though; he chooses to life abroad, in an entirely different country from his little girl. A truly committed parent does not make such a choice.

JontyGentooey · Yesterday 09:29

@NotHerGran do you get off on being a cold bitch to a small child? Is your life that tiny and sad?

096ghkk · Yesterday 08:59

Whether you love the other girl as much as your own granddaughter, chances are you won't see her much as the mum won't want to have her kids treated different. That's it. It's not about your feelings, it's about the kid's feelings and her mums.

Thatsalineallright · Yesterday 08:59

Piglet89 · Yesterday 06:39

To be a truly “involved” parent and share the role of raising someone properly (ie to be a parent to someone who’s not yet reached the age of majority), one generally needs to live in the same country. OP’s told us he lives abroad.

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Wow, so a parent in the military on overseas missions no longer counts then? They can expect to be replaced and have their child calling someone else 'mum' or 'dad'.

What a horrible, dismissive attitude to a loving parent.

Thatsalineallright · Yesterday 08:55

drspouse · Yesterday 08:18

That's not what they are scoffing over. It's the OP saying she goes round and ignores the older child.
I'm fairly sure the OP's son does not do childcare only for his own DD, only take her out, and only do activities with her. As a PP said it's not likely he'd be Daddy to the older girl. He can still behave like a dad.

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Behave like a dad? So often in step-mother threads posters rush to say that a step-parent isn't the same as a parent and the step-mum should stay in her lane, not insert themselves in decision making or discipline etc.

But now it's a step-dad everyone is rushing to say he should be acting exactly like a bio dad? Posters are calling OP's son 'embarrassing' and 'spineless' just because he doesn't want to take on the role of father and DD1 calls him Mike.

I honestly think it's incredibly hypocritical. I don't think any of us would actually want a step-parent to take on our own role as mum. So many posters are just ignoring that this little girl has a loving dad already! What she needs is a supportive step-dad, not a replacement father!

flubber975 · Yesterday 08:51

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HisNibs · Yesterday 08:25

A couple of possibilities that I see here are

  1. The son is having two different conversations depending on if it's his mum or his wife he's speaking to, probably just to make his life easier
  2. OP is being far more economical with the truth than is being presented here
That DIL married him and remains so at present means either his actions at home do not match what he says to mum or DIL is a complete fool. There is no scenario here where I think OP looks good.
drspouse · Yesterday 08:18

Thatsalineallright · Yesterday 06:34

I don't understand the latest spate of replies scoffing over the son just wanting to be 'Mike' and not act like her dad etc.

If my DC had a step-mother who wanted to be called 'Mum' I would be absolutely raging. I'd do everything I could to put a stop to it - I'm their mum, not my ex's new wife!

What do you think DIL's ex would say or do if 'Mike' wanted to be 'Dad'? Happily cheer him on for usurping his parental role? The ex is an involved dad who loves his daughter!

That's not what they are scoffing over. It's the OP saying she goes round and ignores the older child.
I'm fairly sure the OP's son does not do childcare only for his own DD, only take her out, and only do activities with her. As a PP said it's not likely he'd be Daddy to the older girl. He can still behave like a dad.

Lacksie · Yesterday 08:15

Hollania · Yesterday 08:05

You have no idea what the relationship is like. When DD1 goes to visit them is DD2 invited? Does she get to spend weeks abroad? Do they buy her gifts the same? She is DD1’s sister after all, won’t she feel left out?

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Stop making this ridiculous non point that has no equivalence.

Hollania · Yesterday 08:05

BodyBoarder · Yesterday 00:09

They're not in the house showing their disinterest in DD2. They're not in a position to treat DD2 the same as DD1, they are not being offered and declining the relationship. Their son is not in a relationship with DIL. They did not become grandparents and immediately make a choice not to bother with DD2.

You're not comparing like for like, but I expect you know that.

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You have no idea what the relationship is like. When DD1 goes to visit them is DD2 invited? Does she get to spend weeks abroad? Do they buy her gifts the same? She is DD1’s sister after all, won’t she feel left out?

Allendeavour26 · Yesterday 06:57

I really hope DIL also fully understands the detachment from your son and yourself in relation to the elder daughter, so she is aware of the differences they will experience within the same household growing up. As a mum I couldn't except one of my children being ignored by a family member in their own house (that pancake comment has really stuck with me) but perhaps she thinks you will both learn to care for her as a member of the family (which she is!).

Clarabell77 · Yesterday 06:53

NotHerGran · 23/09/2026 12:42

@VickyEadie
I do see that, and it is something I’ve thought about. I suppose my point of view is that the girls will inevitably grow up knowing that they have different dads and therefore different extended families. My granddaughter will know that her sister has her own dad and his family, who love her and have their own relationship with her, just as her sister will know that my granddaughter has her dad and our family. I don’t think that means either child is being treated as second-best, they simply have different families around them.

Difference is the other child lives with your son and is pretty much integrated into his/your family. This won’t be the case for your granddaughter with her sisters family. No one is expecting you to have the same feelings but I do think it’s shitty not to treat them the same or similar with gifts, which you can clearly afford, and babysitting.

Piglet89 · Yesterday 06:39

Thatsalineallright · Yesterday 06:34

I don't understand the latest spate of replies scoffing over the son just wanting to be 'Mike' and not act like her dad etc.

If my DC had a step-mother who wanted to be called 'Mum' I would be absolutely raging. I'd do everything I could to put a stop to it - I'm their mum, not my ex's new wife!

What do you think DIL's ex would say or do if 'Mike' wanted to be 'Dad'? Happily cheer him on for usurping his parental role? The ex is an involved dad who loves his daughter!

To be a truly “involved” parent and share the role of raising someone properly (ie to be a parent to someone who’s not yet reached the age of majority), one generally needs to live in the same country. OP’s told us he lives abroad.

Piglet89 · Yesterday 06:37

Thatsalineallright · 25/09/2026 19:03

Yes, funny how so many of the posters loudly proclaiming to be loving and open-heated to any child crossing their paths are at the same time so viciously vitriolic on this thread. I don't blame OP for not engaging further, there's simply no point.

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@ThatsalineallrightI was wrong - the OP has come back, to double down on her position. Many posters have given really quite considered views on this quite delicate and complex family matter, but she knows best and has changed her position not one iota.

Waste of time of a thread.

Thatsalineallright · Yesterday 06:34

I don't understand the latest spate of replies scoffing over the son just wanting to be 'Mike' and not act like her dad etc.

If my DC had a step-mother who wanted to be called 'Mum' I would be absolutely raging. I'd do everything I could to put a stop to it - I'm their mum, not my ex's new wife!

What do you think DIL's ex would say or do if 'Mike' wanted to be 'Dad'? Happily cheer him on for usurping his parental role? The ex is an involved dad who loves his daughter!

sorryIdidntmeanto · Yesterday 06:16

I can't believe someone would be so cruel on a daily basis to a small child. I can't work out why anyone would do that.

Lacksie · Yesterday 05:17

NotHerGran · 25/09/2026 21:04

I’ve not checked this thread for a couple of days and was quite surprised to come back to so many responses! I’ve read as many as I could, and there have been some interesting points raised. I actually have a little update after having a proper chat with my son about it. He sometimes rings me when he has a long drive for work, so we have long chats, and this came up this week.

He is genuinely fine with the way I see it. I’ve raised 4 children myself, and when you’re the parent, you don’t get to pick and choose. You do the school runs, early mornings, illnesses, clubs, holidays and endless meals. That’s the job. Grandparents are in a different position. If you have the time and means, you can enjoy the parts you want to help with, without having all the responsibility. I don’t think that help becomes an entitlement simply because grandparents live nearby or have plenty of time. What I genuinely enjoy is seeing my granddaughter. I adore watching her reach little milestones, feeding her new foods, reading to her, taking her out and having her for weekends. I’m also very happy to help my son and DIL when they need me: cooking dinner, holding the baby while DIL has a shower or nap if my son is at work, having her while they go out, or giving them a lie-in. None of that feels like a chore because I genuinely enjoy it and because I love my boy and want to help him.

What I don’t particularly want is regular responsibility for a child with whom I simply don’t have the same emotional relationship. I’m fond of her, I’m kind to her, she’s welcome in our home and I’m happy for her to be included in family occasions. But I don’t have the same feelings for her that I have for my granddaughter. I could make myself behave as though the relationships were identical, but I don’t see why I should. I’d rather be honest about that than take on childcare out of obligation and eventually become resentful. My son understands this completely.

My son has always been kind and affectionate towards his stepdaughter, but he has never considered himself her father or responsible for raising her. He is “Mike” to her, and that has always been clear and comfortable for everyone, including her biological father. He doesn’t exclude her, but he also doesn’t pretend the relationship is identical to the one he has with his own daughter. He doesn’t feel the same responsibility for her (financial or otherwise) as he does his own daughter.

I see you've taking on precisely nothing of the comments that have been shared.

BruFord · Yesterday 01:47

HisNibs · 25/09/2026 23:05

She could try doing the same as I do, treat them equally. In my family, we don't have step-GC or bio-GC, we have GC.

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@HisNibs I think the OP's decision to be at their beck and call has created expectations that she doesn't want to meet.

Changepassword · Yesterday 01:34

This little girl would be welcomed into our family, she would be treated exactly the same as the other grandchildren by my parents, and the same as the other nieces and nephews by us siblings, she would be thought of as the bonus grandchild/niece. The other children would just think of her as their cousin regardless

InterIgnis · Yesterday 00:27

EmeraldShamrock000 · Yesterday 00:09

I am sure that she believed he was that man as he committed to marriage.

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You’d think it would have warranted a conversation before marriage, if it was so important to her. That’s not something anyone responsible for a child can afford to assume.

If the event that she was such an idiot that she didn’t understand that marriage didn’t make him responsible for her child, the reality didn’t stop her from staying with him and having another child with him, did it?

EmeraldShamrock000 · Yesterday 00:09

InterIgnis · 25/09/2026 23:53

Because he didn’t have to.

Why didn’t she get with a man that was willing to take on a parental role and assume financial and emotional responsibility for her child? Guess it couldn’t have been that important to her.

She’s got precisely what she actively chose for herself and her daughter.

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I am sure that she believed he was that man as he committed to marriage.

BodyBoarder · Yesterday 00:09

Hollania · 25/09/2026 23:08

And when DD1’s grandparents favour her and don’t treat DD2 exactly the same? Do we cut them off too?

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They're not in the house showing their disinterest in DD2. They're not in a position to treat DD2 the same as DD1, they are not being offered and declining the relationship. Their son is not in a relationship with DIL. They did not become grandparents and immediately make a choice not to bother with DD2.

You're not comparing like for like, but I expect you know that.

EmeraldShamrock000 · Yesterday 00:07

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InterIgnis · 25/09/2026 23:53

Group1 · 25/09/2026 23:12

No offence but your son is embarrassing. He’s living with a child but has this detachment to such a young child? Why didn’t he get with a woman with no kids if he wasn’t down with the stepparent thing? Also siding with mum over your wife and stepdaughter, yikes.

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Because he didn’t have to.

Why didn’t she get with a man that was willing to take on a parental role and assume financial and emotional responsibility for her child? Guess it couldn’t have been that important to her.

She’s got precisely what she actively chose for herself and her daughter.

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