Page 4 | To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

NotHerGran · 2026-09-23T11:32:49+00:00

I know this may sound awful, but I genuinely don’t know if I’m being unreasonable. My youngest son married a woman who already had a 2 year old daughter. We helped with the wedding and contributed towards the deposit for their house. They now have a daughter together, who is 7 months old, and we absolutely adore her. My husband and I are lucky enough to have plenty of time and the means to be very involved grandparents. We have her for at least a few hours each weekend, buy her lovely things, and are more than happy to help financially when needed. We bought her a beautiful pram, for example, and if her parents ever wanted help with private school or something similar, we’d be in a position to do that too. Our door is always open to her. I also try not to intrude on their little family bubble so we would never invite ourselves over and I’ve made it clear that I won’t expect to be invited, but whenever they do want me there, I’ll always come and prioritise it over other plans. They’ve asked me many times to come over to cook dinner, look after my granddaughter while DIL has a shower, nap or goes for coffee with friends, to allow them to have a “date night” or simply to help with something, and I’m always happy to do it. I’ve never expected anything in return - time with my granddaughter is a gift in itself. The problem is that my DIL now expects us to do the same for her older daughter. She has 2 other sets of grandparents who are both involved, but apparently this isn’t enough. In fairness, they live further away - I’m 10 minutes walk and her parents about an hour drive. She gets upset that we don’t buy her daughter gifts in the same way, and now wants us to take her when we have our granddaughter. We do give her little gifts. I’ll happily buy her a nice puzzle for her birthday, for example, and she’s always welcome in our home. But there is a difference between that and what we would naturally do for our own granddaughter. If our granddaughter were turning 5, we’d probably buy her a lovely new bike with all the accessories, rather than a £20 birthday present. I don’t expect her daughter’s dad to have any responsibility towards my granddaughter either, and that seems perfectly natural to me — she isn’t his child I don’t dislike the little girl at all, but she isn’t my grandchild and I don’t feel the same responsibility towards her. I’m happy to be kind to her, include her in family things and make her feel welcome, but I don’t want to become her grandparent or regular childcare. I also don’t want to create an expectation that because we have the time and money, we’re automatically responsible for providing the same for every child in the family. AIBU to feel that there is a difference between my granddaughter and my DIL’s daughter?

Lacksie · Yesterday 13:58

NotHerGran · Yesterday 13:41

@CruelsummerTS
My son said he’d discussed it with his wife, and I think that conversation made me understand her position a little better.

I don’t think she sees herself as asking for anything unreasonable. From her perspective, we have plenty of money, we’re very close by, we’re already extremely generous with our granddaughter and we clearly have the capacity to help. She (and my son) is fairly certain she’d like my granddaughter to go to private school, whether her older DD goes or not, and ideally she’d like them both to go. There are other things as well where I suspect she sees us as a potential source of financial support for both girls. I don’t think she necessarily sits there calculating what she can get out of us, but I do think she has gradually come to regard our generosity towards our granddaughter as something that ought to extend to her older daughter as well. That is where we differ rather fundamentally. I’m very happy to spend money on my granddaughter. If my son decides private school is right for her, I’m perfectly comfortable helping with that. But I’m not going to privately educate a child I’m not related to simply because I have the means to do so. I’m not a philanthropist or a charitable foundation! If I wanted to fund the education of children who aren’t related to me, I’m sure there are plenty of worthy causes and educational charities I could donate to. I’m simply not interested in becoming one of them by accident.

Same with taking the girls to Disneyland - we’ve discussed that I’d love to do it as a birthday trip once my granddaughter is old enough to enjoy it, we’d stay at the Disney hotel etc and DIL would love to do one now before the eldest is too old to believe in magic and truly enjoy it in a childlike way. Of course her daughter can come but if I’m paying I’d optimise it for my little girl, not take her now, when my granddaughter is a tiny baby, can’t go on any rides and won’t get much out of it. Nothing stopping them paying for it themselves and going without me of course! But I think DIL would like the same “more luxury” experience of Disney with fast passes, Disney hotel, all the works for both girls.

She’s also said to my son that if I did things like the occasional school run, it would make life easier for her: she could stay in bed with the baby while I got up and dropped her older DD at school. But that’s simply not something I’m interested in getting up and out of the house by 8am for. At this stage of my life, I’m quite happy to cherry-pick the bits of grandparenting I actually enjoy. An early morning school run is not one of them.

YANBU not to want to do the school run. That's entirely your perogative as a grandparent ofc.

YABU not to read and in any way acknowledge/ respond to any of the feedback on this thread and YABU to think that this is all about money. The latter in particular says a lot.

SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut · Yesterday 13:51

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HisNibs · Yesterday 13:50

sorryIdidntmeanto · Yesterday 13:45

This can't be real

If it is real, then OP is a nasty piece of work with that latest update. Either that or OP has jumped the shark.

Changepassword · Yesterday 13:49

I think you referring to your granddaughter as your little girl tells us all we need to know, if you were my MIL, I would seriously be considering how much time you would be spending alone with my daughter, and it wouldn't be a lot

Bunnycat101 · Yesterday 13:48

You need to be very careful that you’re cherry picking doesn’t mean you lose access altogether.

sorryIdidntmeanto · Yesterday 13:45

This can't be real

Zlemonits · Yesterday 13:42

OP the update doesn't reflect well on your son. It also reads as though you want to score points against your DIL, with a small child bearing the brunt of it all.

Original poster

NotHerGran · Yesterday 13:41

@CruelsummerTS
My son said he’d discussed it with his wife, and I think that conversation made me understand her position a little better.

I don’t think she sees herself as asking for anything unreasonable. From her perspective, we have plenty of money, we’re very close by, we’re already extremely generous with our granddaughter and we clearly have the capacity to help. She (and my son) is fairly certain she’d like my granddaughter to go to private school, whether her older DD goes or not, and ideally she’d like them both to go. There are other things as well where I suspect she sees us as a potential source of financial support for both girls. I don’t think she necessarily sits there calculating what she can get out of us, but I do think she has gradually come to regard our generosity towards our granddaughter as something that ought to extend to her older daughter as well. That is where we differ rather fundamentally. I’m very happy to spend money on my granddaughter. If my son decides private school is right for her, I’m perfectly comfortable helping with that. But I’m not going to privately educate a child I’m not related to simply because I have the means to do so. I’m not a philanthropist or a charitable foundation! If I wanted to fund the education of children who aren’t related to me, I’m sure there are plenty of worthy causes and educational charities I could donate to. I’m simply not interested in becoming one of them by accident.

Same with taking the girls to Disneyland - we’ve discussed that I’d love to do it as a birthday trip once my granddaughter is old enough to enjoy it, we’d stay at the Disney hotel etc and DIL would love to do one now before the eldest is too old to believe in magic and truly enjoy it in a childlike way. Of course her daughter can come but if I’m paying I’d optimise it for my little girl, not take her now, when my granddaughter is a tiny baby, can’t go on any rides and won’t get much out of it. Nothing stopping them paying for it themselves and going without me of course! But I think DIL would like the same “more luxury” experience of Disney with fast passes, Disney hotel, all the works for both girls.

She’s also said to my son that if I did things like the occasional school run, it would make life easier for her: she could stay in bed with the baby while I got up and dropped her older DD at school. But that’s simply not something I’m interested in getting up and out of the house by 8am for. At this stage of my life, I’m quite happy to cherry-pick the bits of grandparenting I actually enjoy. An early morning school run is not one of them.

OP posts:

Piglet89 · Yesterday 13:34

You do sound really unpleasant and unkind, OP. Your attitude is really mean-spirited.

Bunnycat101 · Yesterday 13:22

i could get it if the children were 11 plus when they came into the OP’s life but the other little girl would have been tiny. I think to show such massive disinterest in one and to give lots of attention to the other will be massively divisive and toxic. It sounds like the older child is with her mum most of the week.

If I was the DIL I’d be seriously curtailing the time the OP is spending with the baby to at least try and equalise things a bit.

I think the difference here is when the step child is with her dad, the younger one is unlikely to be there. These two girls will be growing up together and seeing one being massively favoured.

SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut · Yesterday 13:18

Op, you still sound really not pleasant. You’re an adult and your son has married a woman with a young child. And yet you choose to ‘be responsible’ for one and not the young child because of blood. What a load of bollocks.

Rank.

God forbid your son ever adopts. You would be a shit grandmother to those kids.

Notice you haven’t discussed it with your dil. Bet she would say smthg else.

I hope they all prefer the maternal gps who treat both girls equally.

JayJayj · Yesterday 12:41

NotHerGran · 25/09/2026 21:04

I’ve not checked this thread for a couple of days and was quite surprised to come back to so many responses! I’ve read as many as I could, and there have been some interesting points raised. I actually have a little update after having a proper chat with my son about it. He sometimes rings me when he has a long drive for work, so we have long chats, and this came up this week.

He is genuinely fine with the way I see it. I’ve raised 4 children myself, and when you’re the parent, you don’t get to pick and choose. You do the school runs, early mornings, illnesses, clubs, holidays and endless meals. That’s the job. Grandparents are in a different position. If you have the time and means, you can enjoy the parts you want to help with, without having all the responsibility. I don’t think that help becomes an entitlement simply because grandparents live nearby or have plenty of time. What I genuinely enjoy is seeing my granddaughter. I adore watching her reach little milestones, feeding her new foods, reading to her, taking her out and having her for weekends. I’m also very happy to help my son and DIL when they need me: cooking dinner, holding the baby while DIL has a shower or nap if my son is at work, having her while they go out, or giving them a lie-in. None of that feels like a chore because I genuinely enjoy it and because I love my boy and want to help him.

What I don’t particularly want is regular responsibility for a child with whom I simply don’t have the same emotional relationship. I’m fond of her, I’m kind to her, she’s welcome in our home and I’m happy for her to be included in family occasions. But I don’t have the same feelings for her that I have for my granddaughter. I could make myself behave as though the relationships were identical, but I don’t see why I should. I’d rather be honest about that than take on childcare out of obligation and eventually become resentful. My son understands this completely.

My son has always been kind and affectionate towards his stepdaughter, but he has never considered himself her father or responsible for raising her. He is “Mike” to her, and that has always been clear and comfortable for everyone, including her biological father. He doesn’t exclude her, but he also doesn’t pretend the relationship is identical to the one he has with his own daughter. He doesn’t feel the same responsibility for her (financial or otherwise) as he does his own daughter.

You’ve just repeated what you said in your original post and not actually acknowledged what people have said.

Good luck to you. I know that if I was the daughter in law you would have limited contact to your granddaughter since you are happy to treat 2 sisters completely differently. No one is saying you SHOULD baby sit both kids. But the way you are talking it’s like, you want to hold the baby but your DIL should get someone else around to watch the other child even though you are there. That child has been in your life nearly her whole life. You sound so cold.

HisNibs · Yesterday 11:47

@Lacksie absolutely and now add in the fact that the maternal grandparents are the same for DD1 and DD2. I'm going to hope/assume that they're nice grandparents. That being the case, if OP starts discriminating between the two sisters (and yes I'm deliberately ignoring the fact they're half-sisters as they're being raised in the same household as a family), then the girls mother will likely ensure that her daughters see the maternal grandparents more. OP needs to recognise that if she creates a divide, there will likely be consequences not in her favour.
My experience tells me that the GP that are more involved and kinder reap the rewards later in life.

jacks11 · Yesterday 11:28

I never understand these threads.

The OP’s step-granddaughter has 2 active and involved parents, and a step-father. She also has 2 actively involved sets of grandparents, though one does not live close enough to be a practical support.

Neither the father or step-father want the latter to take on the “Dad” role, he is very clearly step-dad. I think, then, that it is ok for the step-grandparents to take a similar role. It sounds like OP’s son is content with that.

These 2 girls are not going to always be treated identically. The elder has both sides of her family, she doesn’t need a 3rd- she just needs to be treated well. To me that does not mean automatically equal in all things. The truth is, they are half-siblings and that does mean that somewhere along the line differences will become apparent.

For one thing, the eldest is likely to be spending time abroad visiting her family there. She gets exciting adventures, holidays etc which the younger girl won’t get (unless her half-sisters family include her, which I think unlikely). She is going to get time with her family, without her younger sister. Is that unfair? If not, why is it unfair for the younger child to spend time with her family, without her elder sister? The elder one will get treats and presents from her own family, and smaller gifts from her step-fathers family. The younger will also have the same from both sides of her family. These are the realities of step-families.

If step-families want to blend in the way that the step-children are identical in every way that’s fine too. Though, you could then argue that one child has 3 sets of grandparents and actually gets more than the child with only 2 sets of grandparents.

in my own family, this has not caused a problem- the child (now a grown up) was always acknowledged, gifts given, welcome at visits/family events, and so on- but they are not the grandchildren and certain things- big gifts at milestone birthdays, for instance- are not the same. The step-child involves is perfectly ok with their place in the wider family and very happy to have their own family. They have a good relationship with the step-parent and the wider family.

Lacksie · Yesterday 11:20

Hollania · Yesterday 10:53

Oh I see-it’s OK not to blend one side. It’s OK for DD2 to feel second best or excluded in relation to DD1’s family and how they treat her, just not the other way round. Thanks for making that clear.

Show quote history

I’m not saying one side of the family should blend and the other shouldn’t. I’m saying the circumstances are different.

DD2 lives with her own parents and has no relationship with DD1’s father or paternal grandparents.

DD1’s paternal family isn’t part of DD2’s family, household or upbringing.

If OP excludes her, DD1 may feel rejected within the family she’s growing up in.

Surely you can understand this distinction? The two situations are not remotely equivalent.

thepariscrimefiles · Yesterday 11:15

NotHerGran · 25/09/2026 21:04

I’ve not checked this thread for a couple of days and was quite surprised to come back to so many responses! I’ve read as many as I could, and there have been some interesting points raised. I actually have a little update after having a proper chat with my son about it. He sometimes rings me when he has a long drive for work, so we have long chats, and this came up this week.

He is genuinely fine with the way I see it. I’ve raised 4 children myself, and when you’re the parent, you don’t get to pick and choose. You do the school runs, early mornings, illnesses, clubs, holidays and endless meals. That’s the job. Grandparents are in a different position. If you have the time and means, you can enjoy the parts you want to help with, without having all the responsibility. I don’t think that help becomes an entitlement simply because grandparents live nearby or have plenty of time. What I genuinely enjoy is seeing my granddaughter. I adore watching her reach little milestones, feeding her new foods, reading to her, taking her out and having her for weekends. I’m also very happy to help my son and DIL when they need me: cooking dinner, holding the baby while DIL has a shower or nap if my son is at work, having her while they go out, or giving them a lie-in. None of that feels like a chore because I genuinely enjoy it and because I love my boy and want to help him.

What I don’t particularly want is regular responsibility for a child with whom I simply don’t have the same emotional relationship. I’m fond of her, I’m kind to her, she’s welcome in our home and I’m happy for her to be included in family occasions. But I don’t have the same feelings for her that I have for my granddaughter. I could make myself behave as though the relationships were identical, but I don’t see why I should. I’d rather be honest about that than take on childcare out of obligation and eventually become resentful. My son understands this completely.

My son has always been kind and affectionate towards his stepdaughter, but he has never considered himself her father or responsible for raising her. He is “Mike” to her, and that has always been clear and comfortable for everyone, including her biological father. He doesn’t exclude her, but he also doesn’t pretend the relationship is identical to the one he has with his own daughter. He doesn’t feel the same responsibility for her (financial or otherwise) as he does his own daughter.

Your son agrees with you. However, your post was about your DIL not being happy and I assume that she will still be unhappy, despite the fact that your son has no problem with the way you are treating his step-daughter.

It will probably cause major problems with his wife when you refuse to ever include her sister when you do anything nice with your grand-daughter.

Hollania · Yesterday 10:53

Lacksie · Yesterday 10:11

It's a completely irrelevant comparison. It's not about ensuring that the children receive completely the same life experiences in every way - no family achieves that - nor is it necessarily desirable, it's about ensuring a very little girl does not feel second best/ unloved/ an inconvenience within the family she lives with/ is raising her/ is blended into. That's why there is no comparison on the other side - because there is no blending of relationships/ family on the other side.

Show quote history

Oh I see-it’s OK not to blend one side. It’s OK for DD2 to feel second best or excluded in relation to DD1’s family and how they treat her, just not the other way round. Thanks for making that clear.

Piglet89 · Yesterday 10:39

Thatsalineallright · Yesterday 10:27

You're at the very least heavily implying that since the dad lives abroad, the step-dad should fully take over his role. I strongly disagree. A parent abroad can still be a loving, caring parent who doesn't deserve to be replaced.

Step-dad should remain 'Mike' and take his lead from mum, not insert himself as an equal parent with all the decision-making, disciplining etc that that brings with it.

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Your reading comprehension really needs work. I said absolutely nothing about “Mike”: all my comments have been about the OP‘s poor attitude.

This discussion about parental involvement was in response to the OP and other posters claiming the biological dad is “involved”, when he clearly is not.

drspouse · Yesterday 10:36

CruelsummerTS · Yesterday 09:32

I keep thinking this too.
It is so disturbing that OP’s been given two beautiful grandchildren and is actively choosing to only make an effort with one.

Imagine this same thread but the child OP doesn’t feel she should treat equally because she doesn’t feel emotionally attached to was fostered or adopted.

Edited

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This was our position - my DCs were clearly the inferior GCs due to being adopted with my DS being even lower on the pecking order than my DD.

Thatsalineallright · Yesterday 10:27

Piglet89 · Yesterday 09:29

@Thatsalineallrightif you’re not present, you’re not as involved a parent. Doesn’t mean you don’t love your kid or that you “don’t count” (and I ever said that - don’t twist my words) but you’re not nearly as involved in the incredibly hard work of raising them, no.

Sometimes necessity (like a military career) means one must be absent. The situation with this little girl’s dad probably isn’t that, though; he chooses to life abroad, in an entirely different country from his little girl. A truly committed parent does not make such a choice.

Show quote history

You're at the very least heavily implying that since the dad lives abroad, the step-dad should fully take over his role. I strongly disagree. A parent abroad can still be a loving, caring parent who doesn't deserve to be replaced.

Step-dad should remain 'Mike' and take his lead from mum, not insert himself as an equal parent with all the decision-making, disciplining etc that that brings with it.

Lacksie · Yesterday 10:11

Hollania · Yesterday 10:02

You don’t want it to, I see that - but other points are allowed, not just yours.

Will DD2 be treated the same as DD1 by her paternal grandparents? No. It might not be happening in her home but you can be damn sure she’ll notice it. Where is the hand-wringing for that?

Show quote history

It's a completely irrelevant comparison. It's not about ensuring that the children receive completely the same life experiences in every way - no family achieves that - nor is it necessarily desirable, it's about ensuring a very little girl does not feel second best/ unloved/ an inconvenience within the family she lives with/ is raising her/ is blended into. That's why there is no comparison on the other side - because there is no blending of relationships/ family on the other side.

Hollania · Yesterday 10:02

Lacksie · Yesterday 08:15

Stop making this ridiculous non point that has no equivalence.

Show quote history

You don’t want it to, I see that - but other points are allowed, not just yours.

Will DD2 be treated the same as DD1 by her paternal grandparents? No. It might not be happening in her home but you can be damn sure she’ll notice it. Where is the hand-wringing for that?

EmeraldShamrock000 · Yesterday 09:47

CruelsummerTS · Yesterday 09:30

I’d love to know what page his wife is on though

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The page of “Oh no, I’ve married in the mad clan with an overbearing controlling MIL”. She probably deciding if they should move counties or countries to get away from the in-laws.

EmeraldShamrock000 · Yesterday 09:37

InterIgnis · Yesterday 00:27

You’d think it would have warranted a conversation before marriage, if it was so important to her. That’s not something anyone responsible for a child can afford to assume.

If the event that she was such an idiot that she didn’t understand that marriage didn’t make him responsible for her child, the reality didn’t stop her from staying with him and having another child with him, did it?

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Sounds like he is biiitching behind his wife’s back at any opportunity. Not an honest guy.
I have no doubt that the conversation occurred, unless DIL has a mental disability that would cause her to get married without any questions.
Doesn’t sound plausible? Marriage definitely makes him responsible, well if he was a decent man. Otherwise why marry someone who has a child that lives with them FT.

CruelsummerTS · Yesterday 09:32

sorryIdidntmeanto · Yesterday 06:16

I can't believe someone would be so cruel on a daily basis to a small child. I can't work out why anyone would do that.

I keep thinking this too.
It is so disturbing that OP’s been given two beautiful grandchildren and is actively choosing to only make an effort with one.

Imagine this same thread but the child OP doesn’t feel she should treat equally because she doesn’t feel emotionally attached to was fostered or adopted.