To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

Nights out - YABU not looking after both children if theres an evening out happening. That is excluding the little girl and to be honest, I'd feel very sad if I was DIL that you wouldnt want her there.

It's also just completely pointless. What's the point of having a family babysitter in the house for one child only, and then having to book another babysitter for the other child?

And also as a parent there are reasons why it might be best for both my children to be at the same school, even if someone was willing to pay for private school fees for one of them. That's a parental decision, not a grandparent decision.

They won’t always be children.

For what its worth - here is how i fall

Private school - absolutely just help pay for your GD. DIL wanting both DC at same school is understandable but if she cant afford it thats on her. Plenty of excellent schools do not cost any money.

Gifts at birthdays - personally, i would feel extremely awkward buying a £20 present for one DC and a £200 bike for another.

Holidays - you cant dictate that you will pay for 3/4 of their family to go to Disney. You either pay and go when GC is 3 or 4 years old or you don't at all. I understand why you dont want to take a baby!

Childcare - 100% agree, I wouldnt really want to take a 5 year old to school so mum could have a lie in?! Lie ins are lovely, but the majority of us mums can manage to do without them. If she needs a lie in; she needs to sort that out with your son - her husband.

Nights out - YABU not looking after both children if theres an evening out happening. That is excluding the little girl and to be honest, I'd feel very sad if I was DIL that you wouldnt want her there.

I really don't see why OP should feel she needs to be up and out of the house to do a school run.

She raised 4 children and had years of childcare.

She has a grandchild now that she dotes on, but her sons choice of a wife already with a child, does not mean she is now childcare for that child.

Is OP's husband being asked?
Unlikely.
It's alway the women these expectations are placed upon.

Based on your responses, OP, I suspect that what will happen is that the relationship between your son and DIL won't stand the course. Both girls will then probably spend the majority of time with their mother unless your son is in the minority of fathers who want 50/50 and you may end up seeing your DGD EOW during her father's "time".

On the plus side, you won't have to have anything to do with the older child.

If this OP is genuine (and I have some serious doubts about that now), I would sort of feel sorry for "Mike" now as he'll send the rest of his parent's lives having the "inheritance carrot" dangled in front of him in an attempt to control his opinions/behaviour. Unless of course he finds his spine somewhere and tells Dear Mama to shove it.

you sound awful. You’ll be back in a year or so, saying how sad you are you don’t get to spend time with your granddaughter. And it will be well deserved.

Oooh great question! When my MIL got remarried several years ago, she made sure I was positioned right at the very end of the ‘family’ photo. A few months later I saw the framed photo in her house with me cut off! She’s a ridiculous woman in so many ways so I just laughed about it. If she was a nicer person I’d have been upset.

Carry on OP, I can assure you DS & DIL are well aware of your use, it’s money! Good job you’re wealthy because the relationship is not about respect! It’s about your money.

If you want a respectful relationship, stop using your money to manipulate.

I’m not sure why you asked AIBU, because you have not once acknowledged the other side of the situation, let alone taken any advice.

Just wondered @NotHerGran what's your take on family photos?

At a wedding say.. would you want formal photographs with only your blood relations,including grandchildren.. but without your son's step daughter?

On second read I think you’re right. It was the bit about DIL would like the “more luxury” experience …with fast passes etc for “both girls” that stick out. Like I’m sure every mother would want both their children to have the best experience. Does she mean OP and GD stay in fancy hotel with fast passes and DIL and her other DD in basic hotel if that’s all DIL can afford. Would make for an interesting holiday.

@NotHerGran What happens if they have another child in 2 or 3 years time? Do you wait for the youngest one to be able to enjoy the Disney experience? Or do you go twice?

And she's not your girl.

How old were you when you became a step child ?

@NotHerGran , I think you're getting quite a hard time on here.

Of course you want to wait to take your DGD to Disney when she's old enough to enjoy it, not as a baby!

What are the expectations of your stepGD's grandparents?

Do THEY treat both the girls the same, see them an equal amount etc etc?
Do THEY help your DiL out by looking after their GC so she can have a lie in with the baby?

Everyone's only talking about what YOU should be doing.
Surely there are expectations of the other two sets of grandparents?

The private school thing is tricky - but if you could only afford to pay for your DGD, should she miss out because the family can't afford to pay for the other girl?
What if one daughter got a scholarship/bursary that made it affordable, and the other one didn't, what then?

Blended families are not easy, there will always be differences eg DiL's daughter spends weeks away with her bio dad.
The girls are therefore going to know their worlds are different.

Also, there's 5 years age difference- they're not going to be great play mates, and they're potentially going to be in the same primary school for only one year.

She didn't say she wants to take her to Disney by herself, she said she's happy for DILs daughter to come but if OP is paying she would rather do it when her own granddaughter is old enough to enjoy it but DIL wants to go now before her older daughter outgrows Disney which means she expects OP to pay for it while her granddaughter is too young to participate or enjoy it, pretty much OP is paying based on the timing that works for DILs older daughter.

Please, please can OPs DIL start a thread with her side.

OP you clearly think your DIL is a money grabbing chancer. This may be true but it’s a small child that is going to suffer. I also find you wanting to take DGD away for an all singing all dancing kid trip to Disney my yourself a bit odd. You seem to actively want all the monopoly of firsts for yourself. Lots of mention of trying new foods. You are clearly desperate to be the favourite grandma, yet are only “happy to be nice” to a 4 year old. As if being nice to a 4 year old you’re not related to it not the default. You sound like a complete nightmare of a MIL. Why would you want to take these first special experiences away from her parents? Will you be like this with all future grandchildren? How will you manage to make pancakes with your DGD if another grandchild is taking their first steps, trying their first foods etc.

The attitude behind this whole post is repugnant.

Those poor girls. You will eventually see the damage you're causing, but unfortunately, probably not without you causing a whole lot of harm first.

DIL's gut feeling is spot on about you. This won't end well.

I did have some sympathy early on about some differentiation between your granddaughter and your DILs other child. The later posts though demonstrates a quite nasty streak and a focus on using wealth as a manipulator. I would not blame your DIL for cutting ties. I think you have the potential to be deeply toxic to this marriage

Oh God OP stop digging.

And she's really not your little girl. You are sounding increasingly obsessed with this child.

DIL needs to get both her kids away from you and Mike, IMHO.

Every time the OP posts she sounds more and more awful 🤢

'Price of everything, value of nothing,' springs to mind here OP.
I'm wondering if this is even real.

I don’t think this is real. Genuinely @NotHerGran- why bother asking the question in the first place?

Also: your daughter in law and your son - imagine even considering allowing the GPs to fund one of their children’s independent education but not the other’s?! Get some self respect, FGS.

Out of interest, OP: how did you feel when you learned your son was seeing (and serious about) a woman who already had a child? Bet you weren’t delighted.

The problem with DIL cutting OPs access to her granddaughter is now she limits her granddaughter in the name of equality and is punishing her daughter. Is she going to demand that her other daughters grandparents do the same for her daughter? When the older daughter travels to go see her father where he lives is she going to insist that she will only allow if he invites both girls?

While OP may be inflexible I think DIL also has ridiculous demands, she expects OP to come take her older daughter to school so she can lie in bed with the baby? She wants both girls to go to private schools and expect OP to pay for both of them because she can afford it, she expects OP to be a source of financial support for her older daughter as well, those expectations are ridiculous.

Yes I expect OP to treat the girl nicely, as she said she's welcome to her house with her granddaughter, get them treats etc but as a stepchild this expectation that a grandparent must do the same things everytime for both their real and step grandchildren is ridiculous and frankly not realistic. As a stepchild I always knew my real grandparents and my step grandparents and they treated me nicely but I wasn't expecting them to pay for my private school etc and I've even seen some post where there is expectations that grandparents must split inheritance equally among real and step grandchildren, that's just ridiculous.

There's a big difference between treating them the same for small treats, day ours etc and expecting the same for inheritance private school etc.

That's unfortunately the issue with blended families and she needs to manage her expectations not make demands of other people's time and money for her daughter.

And in the name of equality she will now deprive her daughter from her grandmother and all the benefits she can get from her grandmother while her other daughter still has access to her own grandparents who don't get the demand for equality. Pretty much she will pull her daughter down in order to maintain equality with her older daughter.

The Disney example so she expects OP to take them to Disney now to benefit her step granddaughter at the expense of her own real granddaughter? Really?

And the extreme end is they split up, the son will maintain access with his child and mother and OP will have her half the time and still deal with the equality but now 2 kids out of a married home and then what? She gets married again and does it all over with a third child in the hope that the new grandparent will treat them all equally? Goodluck with that.

I was a step child's and frankly some of these expectations are ridiculous. I don't care what OP does the child knows who her real grandparents are and who her step grandparents are.

And the annoying part is the same mumsnet demands that step parents don't parent or discipline stepchildren yet when it comes to money and support they demand equality.

OP you're very keen to brag about your wealth and how it can be used to manipulate things to your liking. It's not a great look.