To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

These threads are always polarising.
Where you are in life hugely impacts how you view things.

I am in my 60's, had my children late, youngest is still a teen, in university.

No grandchildren and absolutely no interest in them either.

I am much more focused on getting back a bit of freedom.

If my older children, mid 20's turned up with a partner with a child and then expected childcare from me, they would be in for some shock.

100% not happening in any shape or form.

If that makes me a horrible person, I'll bear it.

I want holidays, breaks away, no responsibility whatsoever, for as long as possible 🤞🙏.

The bio dad isn't involved in everyday life in the UK, it's true, apart from via Zoom etc.

But he has his DD to stay for weeks at a time during the year for school holidays.

The girls, although half sisters, will have very different life experiences.

She has based on her update sh expecting her to come take the step granddaughter to school so DIL can lie in with the baby. Expecting OP to take them to Disney now before step granddaughter ages our even though the younger child is roro young to enjoy or experience Disney.

The issue here is the expectations.

100% agree with your friend.

See I agree with the op.

Why would she take step grandchild to school so mum can stay in bed with baby? Is op also expected to then get her up, fed and dressed?

I wouldn’t even ask my mum to do that for my children unless I was very sick and so then I’d be asking her to school run and take baby for the for day.

If ops willing to pay for Disney then she gets to decide when and if dil and son want to reject it they can feel free to or they can accept it will happen when Op wishes to go and get fully paid for.

Schools again ops willing to pay but I agree she shouldn’t be expected to pay for the step. If they divorced would she be expected to continue to pay? Maybe with Op paying for the youngest the two parents and step parent of the older might be able to fund hers?

Ops son is just Mike, mums husband to the older child she must know there are differences.

It does appear from ops version that dil wants a my child not your step child but you can pay and babysit but you are not her parent / grandparent. Cake and eating type situation.

and this again is why blending doesn’t work, and when it does work tends to be if the new couple don’t add their own biological babies to the mix because you can’t control the rest of the families feelings and you can’t control how your eventually adult children will feel about how you react to their lack of including their half siblings

The private school near us does ages 3-18.

You wont make pancakes with a 4 year old who is your granddaughter's sister because your son didn't impregnate her mother.
That's pretty nasty, tbh

Given the age difference, they would only be at the same primary school for a year ...

"I’m quite happy to cherry-pick the bits of grandparenting I actually enjoy. "

Yeah see that's the thing about family relationships, they aren't meant to be onesided and about what works for one person. I have PIL that feel as you do, and we have cut down how much we & the children see them as they have no interest in anything that isn't exactly how they want it.

And your point is ... ?

This is not what is being discussed though really. The op has not said her dil is asking for all this at all.

Well from other threads I've read, I haven't gotten that impression when they are written from the DIL's who are not happy, that any discussion has happened.

Too much is expected without any conversation.

I play tennis and am friendly with a lovely woman well into her 60's whose daughter was seeing a man for a year with a 2 year old, and they moved in together after 18 months.

As soon as they moved in together she was suddenly being asked to babysit his 4 year old at the weekends, and she talked about leaving him with her, while they went off for the weekend.

She said absolutely not.
She has a busy social life with her husband, they are retired, and between sports and holidays, they have very full lives.

Her daughter tried telling her this child was now her grandson and she was very disappointed in her mother for not wanting to be involved...aka...providing childcare.

Her mother told her she could be as disappointed as she liked, but she was not this childs grandmother, he had a mother and two grandmother's, and as they shared care 50/50, she had better schedule her nights out and weekends away, during this time, and not assume she can impose on her.

Her daughter was furious and things were very strained for a while. My friend wasn't budging one inch on it and made that very clear, which is her right.

Her daughter may have chosen to be with someone with a child and be prepared to share parenting with him, but that doesn't mean her mother also turns into childcare too.

Op i think the logistics of two children at separate schools would be a nightmare. They either both do private or they don't.
Not to mention the wedge that it would drive between them.

I don't see the logic of the babysitting, surely if they want a night out and your babysitting its as easy to look after two children as one?

I can't even believe Disney has been discussed at any point.

I also think big gifts would be best kept for Birthday rather than Christmas, less obvious that you are treating them wildly differently

My cousin has this situation

Her daughter has a 2 children to different men. One man awful.

The grandparents treat the 2 kids the same. They see the older child as a bonus grandchild. They feel very blessed.

And they don't have much money. They have love and kindness

The extended family think the world of them and they are very welcome at all functions.

Indeed. 'My little girl' was the point at which the shark was well and truly jumped, I'm afraid. And I was one who was not posting overwhelmingly negatively to OP in the beginning and thought there was every possibility DiL was straying into CF territory.

In the end it's worth reflecting that the golden child vs. scapegoat dynamic usually does the golden children no more favours than it does the scapegoat. Sometimes, as in my own family, the siblings see the clear picture, band together, and reject those who subjected them to this toxic dynamic. The mistake people often make is the belief that they can buy people.

Some people can't be bought. We couldn't. OP - IF genuine - would do well to bear that in mind.

@HisNibs
Also..I agree the DIL may well have had the conversation with her DH to be..it would have been before DD2 came along.

It's unlikely she would have interviewed his mum about it before marriage. Until I read all these threads, I had no idea that people felt so strongly about it. I just assumed that children growing up in the same family, siblings, would be treated equally where possible.
If the MIL had such strong views on the situation, maybe she should have broached the subject with the happy couple before hand too..

"THAT is why these conversations need to happen BEFORE you marry and have children with a man, when you are bringing your child from a previous relationship into a new family."

It's very possible and (unless the children's mother is stupid quite frankly), likely that the conversation did take place. It's also quite possible that goalposts were shifted after DD2 was born and/or prenuptial agreements were reneged.
We simply have no way of knowing on MN unless the DIL suddenly appeared on this thread. OP is hardly likely to say if something like that happened now is she?

@PinkEasterbunny I'm not sure if that quote is from you or you are quoting it, but I think its a bit like saying, well they only do xyz, so that's all I'm going to do.

If we were to find out that the other grandparents pull out all the stops for example, the OP would be unlikely to want to copy them.

But I suppose it is useful, for the OP, if other GPs don't do much, to use that as an argument for similar. She lives nearby and sees the GD frequently so the circumstances are different to the other sets of GPs.

Did your son and his wife have any conversation about how married life and further children would work?

I believe it was your DIL's responsibility to find out how things like children would be viewed.

On MN there is a consistent theme where women have unmet expectations from their new husbands family on how their pre marriage children are to be treated, paid for, gifted, looked after and included.

It is all completely unreasonable beyond the children being treated kindly.

You cannot tell your parents how they must behave and feel, towards your wife's child.

You certainly cannot tell them how they can spend, gift or will their own money.

This very convenient expectation that everything is as they want it, is not reasonable.

I understand this can be very hard to absorb and accept.

THAT is why these conversations need to happen BEFORE you marry and have children with a man, when you are bringing your child from a previous relationship into a new family.

This is the duty of any mother before she commits.

Blaming his family afterwards for not meeting your expectations isn't fair.

Incidentally this is the exact same thing if a man has a child from a previous relationship.

Of course you want to wait to take your DGD to Disney when she's old enough to enjoy it, not as a baby!
What are the expectations of your stepGD's grandparents?
Do THEY treat both the girls the same, see them an equal amount etc etc?
Do THEY help your DiL out by looking after their GC so she can have a lie in with the baby?
Everyone's only talking about what YOU should be doing.
Surely there are expectations of the other two sets of grandparents?

Its a real double standard, and I think the OP has been getting a hard time here

"a quite nasty streak and a focus on using wealth as a manipulator"

Absolutely this!

Since OP supposedly raised 4 children, I wonder there are any other grandchildren on the scene. This thread doesn't seem to read that way?

Then she would be, and is, quite aware that neither her husband nor OP consider her daughter to be ‘theirs’. So yes, she chose this, and she cannot now demand something she knew wasn’t being offered.

No, marriage did not make him responsible for her child, legally or morally. If she, being the one actually responsible for her child, had no problem with this, why would he?

Ah, this can unfortunately happen when someone has a wealthy relative - your money is seen as a family resource. I think you’re wise to shut it down now, because that isn’t a habit you want to fall into.

Me: "what do you think DIL's ex would say or do if 'Mike' wanted to be 'Dad'? Happily cheer him on for usurping his parental role? The ex is an involved dad who loves his daughter!

You: "To be a truly “involved” parent and share the role of raising someone properly (ie to be a parent to someone who’s not yet reached the age of majority), one generally needs to live in the same country. OP’s told us he lives abroad."

Me: "You're heavily implying that since the dad lives abroad, the step-dad should fully take over his role".

You: "Your reading comprehension really needs work. I said nothing at all about Mike."

I really don't think my reading comprehension is the problem.