To not feel the same about DIL’s DD as my own granddaughter?

@VickyEadie
I do see that, and it is something I’ve thought about. I suppose my point of view is that the girls will inevitably grow up knowing that they have different dads and therefore different extended families. My granddaughter will know that her sister has her own dad and his family, who love her and have their own relationship with her, just as her sister will know that my granddaughter has her dad and our family. I don’t think that means either child is being treated as second-best, they simply have different families around them.

OP and her son are fine. They didn’t and don’t owe DIL a parent/grandparent for her child.

No, but DIL doesn't owe it to either of them to continue in a relationship with the OP's son and have the OP in her house if she's unhappy with her older DD being treated this way.

It sounds like she's slowly working out the way the wind blows, so it may only be a matter of time until she kicks her husband into touch and bans the OP from coming round.

In her shoes, I'd be blunt with the OP and say you don't have to treat my DD like a grandchild and you can ignore her all you please, but my DD doesn't have to have this person she's not related to by blood or affection in her home either. So go away and stay away please, and your precious son can bring DGD to visit at his convenience, but you're not welcome in my older child's space. She shouldn't have to tolerate you.

It's not about DIL, it's not about OP and it's not about her son.

The people who need taking care of are the 5 year old child and her baby sister.

OP and her son are fine.

Even in the unlikely event that OP’s son deceived DIL, we do know that DIL remains married to someone that doesn’t consider her child to be his, and that she chose to have another child with him. We know that’s not even a problem, as that’s not what she’s upset about. She also knew that OP hadn’t embraced her daughter as a grandchild. If she wanted that then she shouldn’t have continued the relationship, let alone married and had another child.

OP and her son are fine. They didn’t and don’t owe DIL a parent/grandparent for her child.

I think DIL wanting to go to Disney on OP’s dime to prioritise her elder daughter is very telling. She is the only one in this scenario (aside from her parents) who is related to both children, OF COURSE she wants them both treated the same. But they’re not the same to OP, this is a fact that DIL should have considered before blending her family - she cannot demand people act how she prefer because it benefits her.

The point is we have no idea DIL’s side, so saying ‘what about DIL’ doesn't make OP or her son look any better.

If DIL was just fine with her DD being sidelined, this thread wouldn’t exist.

That would make her look even worse. Rushing the relationship when she was responsible for a child would make her wildly irresponsible, if not downright negligent.

No matter how much your twist it, you cannot make any other party here more responsible tor the kid than the actual parent is.

@CruelsummerTS
My son said he’d discussed it with his wife, and I think that conversation made me understand her position a little better.

I don’t think she sees herself as asking for anything unreasonable. From her perspective, we have plenty of money, we’re very close by, we’re already extremely generous with our granddaughter and we clearly have the capacity to help. She (and my son) is fairly certain she’d like my granddaughter to go to private school, whether her older DD goes or not, and ideally she’d like them both to go. There are other things as well where I suspect she sees us as a potential source of financial support for both girls. I don’t think she necessarily sits there calculating what she can get out of us, but I do think she has gradually come to regard our generosity towards our granddaughter as something that ought to extend to her older daughter as well. That is where we differ rather fundamentally. I’m very happy to spend money on my granddaughter. If my son decides private school is right for her, I’m perfectly comfortable helping with that. But I’m not going to privately educate a child I’m not related to simply because I have the means to do so. I’m not a philanthropist or a charitable foundation! If I wanted to fund the education of children who aren’t related to me, I’m sure there are plenty of worthy causes and educational charities I could donate to. I’m simply not interested in becoming one of them by accident.

Same with taking the girls to Disneyland - we’ve discussed that I’d love to do it as a birthday trip once my granddaughter is old enough to enjoy it, we’d stay at the Disney hotel etc and DIL would love to do one now before the eldest is too old to believe in magic and truly enjoy it in a childlike way. Of course her daughter can come but if I’m paying I’d optimise it for my little girl, not take her now, when my granddaughter is a tiny baby, can’t go on any rides and won’t get much out of it. Nothing stopping them paying for it themselves and going without me of course! But I think DIL would like the same “more luxury” experience of Disney with fast passes, Disney hotel, all the works for both girls.

She’s also said to my son that if I did things like the occasional school run, it would make life easier for her: she could stay in bed with the baby while I got up and dropped her older DD at school. But that’s simply not something I’m interested in getting up and out of the house by 8am for. At this stage of my life, I’m quite happy to cherry-pick the bits of grandparenting I actually enjoy. An early morning school run is not one of them.

You’re trying to put the onus on him, rather than the kid’s actual parent.

He is totally free to decide not to accept any responsibility for her if he doesn’t want to. Any prospective stepparent is. If a parent wants a partner that will coparent with them and share responsibility then it is 100% on them to not pursue relationships with people that aren’t offering that.

Cherrypicking as in:
”I want to take the girls out to the park on Sunday, make pancakes and hand them back” is fine.

Cherrypicking as in:
”I’ll babysit the baby, but find someone else to care for the other girl, I’m not interested” is not fine.

That may be true, and yet it still doesn’t invalidate anything I said.

@Allendeavour26 I think that grandparenting is about cherry picking the fun bits though, isn't it? Grandparents aren't resources who provide childcare and financial support, most just want to spend quality time with grandchildren. Parents have to do the hard work, because they choose to have their children.

At least that's been my experience.

@Allendeavour26 I think that grandparenting is about cherry picking the fun bits though, isn't it? Grandparents aren't resources who provide childcare and financial support, most just want to spend quality time with grandchildren. Parents have to do the hard work, because they choose to have their children.

At least that's been my experience.

"I’m quite happy to cherry-pick the bits of grandparenting I actually enjoy. "

Yeah see that's the thing about family relationships, they aren't meant to be onesided and about what works for one person. I have PIL that feel as you do, and we have cut down how much we & the children see them as they have no interest in anything that isn't exactly how they want it.

She has based on her update sh expecting her to come take the step granddaughter to school so DIL can lie in with the baby. Expecting OP to take them to Disney now before step granddaughter ages our even though the younger child is roro young to enjoy or experience Disney.

The issue here is the expectations.

Me: "what do you think DIL's ex would say or do if 'Mike' wanted to be 'Dad'? Happily cheer him on for usurping his parental role? The ex is an involved dad who loves his daughter!

You: "To be a truly “involved” parent and share the role of raising someone properly (ie to be a parent to someone who’s not yet reached the age of majority), one generally needs to live in the same country. OP’s told us he lives abroad."

Me: "You're heavily implying that since the dad lives abroad, the step-dad should fully take over his role".

You: "Your reading comprehension really needs work. I said nothing at all about Mike."

I really don't think my reading comprehension is the problem.

These threads are always polarising.
Where you are in life hugely impacts how you view things.

I am in my 60's, had my children late, youngest is still a teen, in university.

No grandchildren and absolutely no interest in them either.

I am much more focused on getting back a bit of freedom.

If my older children, mid 20's turned up with a partner with a child and then expected childcare from me, they would be in for some shock.

100% not happening in any shape or form.

If that makes me a horrible person, I'll bear it.

I want holidays, breaks away, no responsibility whatsoever, for as long as possible 🤞🙏.

Because he didn’t have to.

Why didn’t she get with a man that was willing to take on a parental role and assume financial and emotional responsibility for her child? Guess it couldn’t have been that important to her.

She’s got precisely what she actively chose for herself and her daughter.

The private school near us does ages 3-18.