AIBU to step back after feeling anxious about his evening disappearances?

agree if you’re not in a relationship he could be dating or talking to other people.
He could be watching tv after messaging you all day. He doesn’t have to speak to you 24/7 that very full on imo.

I’m sorry I’d find that too intense and suffocating I’d be running for the hills
it’s giving bunny boiler vibes a few weeks in

Maybe still dating others?
Which is understandable, as that's how some people operate until they have spent more time with someone and know that they'd be compatible in a relationship.

Probably suffocating under the continuous messaging. It's not sustainable, so he gives it a rest in the evening.

"Going quiet for a few hours" is totally normal. He shouldn't have to keep you continuously updated with his whereabouts and what he's doing. That would be my worst nightmare.

But what if this is not a red flag or even anything and I'm just going to react like this whenever someone is not available to me?

This is something you need to deal with BEFORE you start dating. We don't know whether what this guy is up to is a red flag. But what we do know is that someone being "unavailable for a few hours" triggers you anxiety. You are not going to be able to find someone who is available to you 24/7 so deal with your anxiety first, then date.

As to this guy, who knows. If he is saying "I fell asleep" at 7pm, it's bullshit. If it is at 10pm, it's reasonable. He will be unavailable to you if he has work, a hobby and a healthy friendship network. That's perfectly normal for any adult.

I would disagree with PP. Some people don’t like to live their lives tethered to a screen, especially if they look at a monitor all day.

They do things without their phone. They see friends and want to give them undivided attention. They go to the cinema. They take a bath. Or maybe they just want a break from it.

Ask yourself whether demanding constant uninterrupted contact is a reasonable thing, or whether it’s a result of your previous wounding from your ex. And if it’s the latter, don’t let it force you to kill off a good connection.

Whenyou say disappears, how long re we talking? If it's just the evening, I'd be inclined NOT to see this as a red flag but just someone who is out with friends, or doing his own thing or whatever. But longer is different.

Having said that, I also think in the beginning, a bit part of relationships is figuring out what the right cadence is - do you like to be oin constant contact or do you both like it to be a bit more sporadic. Do you like to text chat for hours or just for key stuff, then pick up the phone. And everyone has their own preferences and this is often the first sign that you are or are not compatible.

He’s probably having other dates. You barely know him it’s what people do. I completely understand your anxiety. I highly recommend the book Attached for understanding why you feel like this. I normally just bin men who make me feel like this which might be unfair but I can’t tolerate the anxiety. Neither of you are in the wrong, he doesn’t owe you fidelity or 24 hr access and you can’t help the way you feel. Be kind to yourself

Both things can be true.

You are hyper attuned to pick up on the unavailability in the evening because if your past experience.

And

He did say he won't always be available for me.

He doesnt owe you 24/7 access to his life. He is unavailable for whatever reason, there could be a potential multitude of reasons for this - sick relative, other women, embarrassing hobby - it could be anything or nothing. But the thing is, no one owes you their untethered availability because you have past trauma. You need to work on that.

Listen to your instincts.
even if you’re wrong about him you might not be ready to date yet and need to do some self work.