To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

He seems like one of those people who likes attention and is very attractive and present as long as it's all on his terms, but is emotionally immature.

Why is he telling you why he's a great friend and relative then not checking you get home safe?

Some people are quite flaky themselves and cope with socialising with this kind of charming random bohemian type.

I know I can't, I need reliable types.

I don't think you can either to be honest?

Maybe for dating you need people who aren't as intellectually glamorous but more steady and supportive and in that traditional male role.

I’m afraid I agree with this, and even the op didn’t write it like the poster did. Who has twisted it as much as she can to make the op completely innocent and the man an utter oddball.

we will never see his side, but I think it’s a given he will have a very different view of what happened than the op has provided or how some posters have tried to twist what she’s written.

on saying that the op has changed her view of him considerably. Although I imagine much of that is due to hurt and embarassment, there is no way that drunkenly asking a guy for sex and getting the knock back , coming over all hurt, having him walk away from you. Then demanding an apology for being led on, him trying to tell you it’s ok to kiss etc it doesn’t mean sex is an entitlement and and realising he doesn’t want to see you or speak to you again due to it. Whatever his view of what occurred is, it’s bring you out in a cold sweat when you think on it level of stuff. So I totally get the ops postion here and thinking of his negatives.

Yeah. We don’t know his side of the story. There’s little chance it all happened exactly as the OP said. But she gets to set the narrative here.

I really hope you can be kinder to yourself about this because the more you talk about them the more he seems to have misrepresented himself which is a very common thing that guys do they want to appear to be perfect guy so they will mirror everything you say and your interests if he had said oh I'm in the bars several nights a week and getting sloshed while I have ons with men or women then you probably wouldn't have gone out with him it's understandable to be hurt because you liked him and he did sort of mislead you. A tiny silver lining is you found out these things about him now instead of 6 months down the road when he still messing you around

Most men jump at the chance of sex, at least men I have met in my lifetime whether it’s the first or tenth date and especially if they’re drunk. This guy led OP on because he spent the night snogging her face off on a fourth date before going cold, storming off in front like a baby then declaring he didn’t want anything romantic.

Then why so upset it won’t work out, if you think he is a gay alcholic who was going to abandon you and led you on, then you’ve had a lucky escape.

I’ve just read the OP.

So, if you, as a man or a woman, go on a date and have a good time and have a few too many drinks and are a bit drunk. Feel that you bonded with the other person and want to take them home for sex because you haven’t had sex for a year or so, they realise that you are possibly drunk and doesn’t want to have sex under those conditions then it’s them that is leading you on. Don’t you see the problem with what you are saying?

Have you considered that your level of intoxication meant he felt you weren't in a position to give consent?

I don't think you should have apologised either. You went into dating him with good intentions and I reckon that at the beginning you both stated what you were looking for if he wasn't looking for romance eventually why was he dating was he looking for a friend he didn't say he was very vague.

You didn't mention your past relationships or maybe family of origin but these type of things can affect you today. have you had any type of therapy in the past? That might be a good thing to do that for 6 months or a year before dating again

And then him wanting to get shit-faced drunk and keep going to bars even though you don't drink that much and he knew he had to go to work the next day. he was really pushing your boundaries because I reckon he already knew that you weren't much of a drinker.

She should have used the 'leading her on' phrase at all. It's outdated and just wrong. She should never blame someone for setting a sexual boundary. That was very badly done.

.....and completely ignored here, in this post and many others, is that leading a man on...is often used as an excuse for sexual assault or rape of a woman.....that does not apply here ...

The man was giving a wrong impression of how the night would go...and what he had wanted by going out with OP (romantic connection). By HIS ACTIONS...not assumptions about clothing, paying or any of the other SA excuses men make. By the kissing and fondling discussed ..he gave an impression of direction of travel.

Nothing sinister in OPs statements AT ALL. Because leading a woman on ..is not loaded with the threat of terrifying outcomes

@AmberCatz - these things are very disappointing and hurtful but I don't think you have messed anything up and I don't think you would have got where you wanted to by going more slowly. I think @Worriedone12 is right: this guy doesn't really seem to know what he wants which may be because he's bi and perhaps at the more gay end of bi; or perhaps just because he just wasn't feeling it with you.

I also think that, if he were really interested in you, he would not have been walking ahead of you and acting like he was going to just abandon you in the street at 2 am nor would he have been irrevocably put off by some clumsy words spoken when you were both drunk.

And yes, some people are very confusing in their signals. I'm an early Gen X (late 50s now) and I think younger generations are much more touchy-feely across the sexes than I ever was in my 20s and 30s and have occasionally wondered how anyone distinguishes romantic interest from the general touchy-feelyness.

Hope your friend can help you feel better.

I honestly don't think you should have apologised. You didn't do anything wrong. Obviously he is within his rights to refuse sex but that isn't the issue. He's been on several dates with you, seeing you for a couple of months and spent the night all over you (kissing and groping) and then decided he doesn't want romance.

He evidently doesn't know what he wants and was messing you around.
You haven't messed anything up. He isn't interested regardless. You suggesting it goes further isn't the issue, he does NOT want anything romantic, regardless of anything else. There's no good hoping he'll message to see you again because you want a relationship/sexual relationship with him and he does not. He's made that clear, so I'd be avoiding him.

I do think that this could have gone further if you had not been so drunk and pushy OP. He did seem into you. No man is going to spend time like that with a woman he's not interested in.

But I think he was just seeing how it went before getting in too deep. Imagine if he had slept with you and told you the next day he just wanted to be friends. That would have made you feel even worse and possibly used.

And he did have work the next day and he was tired. It wasn't the ideal set up for first time sex with someone. And, like I said earlier, some people just aren't into drunk sex as it can lead to all sorts of regrets.

Had you mentioned to him before the evening that you wanted to date or just kept it casual?

Hmm, not convinced by this. He's a grown man with a voice and more than capable of telling you this with actual words if that's what he wanted. I think his actions show quite a level of immaturity and you're probably well shot of him before it got serious. I'd be pissed off too in your situation, what kind of pillock go on multiple dates over a long period and initiates romantic behaviour only to tell you within minutes he doesn't want anything romantic? Headfuck for sure.

There will be other men who aren't this much hard work, I promise!

Trust me OP, you don’t want this one. Move on, close that door. He clearly has baggage and he doesn’t know how to relate to someone wanting a normal relationship. Stop taking all the responsibility onto yourself, and be clear with yourself for the future as to what you want from a relationship.

Draw a line under this and move on I’d say. Dont apologise or do anything
the planets just aren’t aligned

If a woman, after having being snoggy and gropy on multiple dates with a man, went immediately cold and wandered off after that man mentioned coming back to his for sex that evening, it would be because she thought she might have led him on about sex and she did not want to give him the wrong idea about that in case he decided he was going to rape her and that a court would agree he was entitled to. She wouldn't say she wasn't looking for romance because in this situation she would be in danger and 'romance' would have nothing to do with it and no power to discourage him from sex.

This is why the 'reverse the genders' bleat just never works. We are not the same. Women tend in most cases not to rape and kill men who don't do what they want. Most men don't do it either but they do it enough that the risk as a woman is much greater compared to the risk as a man in the same situation and it is just not comparable.

Nobody has said or implied that the OP was entitled to sex because the guy led her on sexually. Literally no one. Not that people will read this post properly either since the reading comprehension level on this thread seems to be quite low.

I've seen your other comments where you claim OP believes she was "entitled to sex", and those weren't in touch with reality either.

Thinking someone wanted what you wanted on the basis of their behaviour is not a crime. Honestly, as someone who has been sexually pressured many times, I find comparing OP's understandable disappointment and confusion to male predators downright offensive.

That's the last I'll say on this thread because it's a pile-on at this point over something OP already feels bad about.

This!

I didn’t say they would, although men do, the point I was making was if the exact scenario was repeated, with the genders reversed, this thread would have been deleted long ago as posters mass reported the comments.