To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

I’d definitely blame the drink for the whole thing.
Whether or not any of the other dark possibilities offered in the thread actually stand up, it doesn't really matter, because here was a man unwilling to shag a very pissed woman. Take that at least as a positive.

I did write a post but seems its been took down. I cant believe how people's brains work these days. Maybe he just got the ick she was putting out too soon , maybe her breathe stunk... maybe he couldn't handle his alcohol or needed a shit. Im not saying any of those things are true but branding the man being gay bisexual having erectile dysfunction and actually fully meaning and believing it is beyond crazy and i can tell theres obviously alot of people on this thread that have got through life by being in denial in there own situations and absoloutely deluding themselves. I cant believe this post has got so much attention. Just message him an ask if youve done something wrong or why the change in heart if you want answers or get over it in a few days and move on. Im sure every adult on this thread has had rejection in there life and a confusing head scratcher situation..but its life.

OP I agree with your best friend, he's a headfuck. I know you feel humiliated, but this is probably a blessing in disguise, in that he's not really the man you thought he was, and if these dates had gone on any longer, you probably would have fallen into the heavy drinking, barfly lifestyle that you left behind a decade ago. Worse, you'd be doubting yourself/lowering your self esteem because of all the weird mixed messages behaviour from him.
Something in that night with him brought out behaviour in you that you didn't like - heavy drinking will do this, and you've long left that lifestyle behind.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, hold your head up high, lean on your friends a bit. As time passes, I think you'll see this as a lucky escape.

The guy changed his mind as anyone is entitled to do. It’s no one’s fault or nothing to do with how attractive or how unattractive someone is.

It didn’t work out. It’s fine to mourn what could have been but onto the next one!

Have to agree with this

Perhaps you’re an annoying drunk and he just didn’t fancy you .Move on life’s to short.

Is he one of these 'thinks he's an artist but actually it's just an excuse for not having a job' types OP? Because being in his 30s and being well known by all the bar staff makes me think you're best off without him tbh. He just wasn't that into you for whatever reason and its basically a waste of time trying to figure out flaky men.

Ok so reading your posts the thing that stuck out is that you’re blaming yourself for this when it sounds like a him issue? I have never in my life known a man to snog and grope a woman’s bum and then turn down the chance of sex with her regardless of having work the next day! Especially if there has been a buildup between you.

So unless you have some sort of personal hygiene problem my immediate thought was either:

• He doesn’t like sex with women
• small penis/other big sex insecurity
• has an std

You are making assumptions about why he didn’t want to have sex with you and you actually have no idea. Other explanations are;

• he was scared of greater intimacy for some reason - doubts about his body, performance, getting hurt etc
• He isn’t sure about long term commitment to you and didn’t want to take it too far and you get hurt.
• he was feeling unwell but didn’t want to say.
• May be he just likes the chase but not a ‘sure thing’.

And may be he’s not attracted to you but got caught in the moment but then realised. That’s ok. Some people will be attracted to you, some won’t. That’s just how it is.

Don’t let this dictate how you feel about yourself. Wrong person for you. That’s ok. Very brief apology and let him go.

Oh my god, it makes me so sad and angry that any woman puts so much weight on her self worth based on how some random man treats her. FUCK THAT @AmberCatz.

I’d say he knows you’re an attractive woman, so he tried to pursue it, but he’s gay. He’s in denial, and will mess both women and men around whilst “not being sure what he’s looking for”. He can kiss a woman, and have deep conversation, but the sex bit is a problem when he’s gay.

You deserve more than being someone’s distraction whilst they learn to accept themselves.

I don’t think you should have apologised. Or if you should have, so should he. Not for not having sex with you, but for dating, kissing, and then saying he’s not looking for anything romantic. That’s a headfuck, and is confusing info for the recipient.

Chalk it down to experience. But DO NOT lower your opinion of yourself because of the situation/time wasting man.

I can think of a bi ex-boyfriend of mine (relationship was many, many years ago, but we’ve kept in touch) who was definitely attracted to men as well as women, but came from an old-fashioned, very religious background (in terms of the wider society as well as his own family) and, other than some furtive encounters in his student days, I don’t think ever felt brave enough to explore relationships with men.

He’d had an 8- year relationship with a woman before me — she dumped him because he clearly didn’t want to progress it. Then me. I ended it with him after a year. Then he married a woman and they had two children, I think partly to please his elderly, old-fashioned parents, part,y because she wanted to and he was quite passive. He divorced her out of the blue after about ten years saying he wanted more than this, and I remember saying to him that he owed it to himself and to his ex-wife (who was blindsided and heartbroken, though I think he was a dreadful, lazy DH) and their children, to make sure he made himself the life he wanted now, after causing such upset. I assumed he would explore gay relationships, as I’d felt strongly that was what he was suppressing all along. But he drifted into another relationship with a woman and remarried (at her instigation, as a non-national who needed a visa). His first marriage had also been instigated by his wife.

I think that the religious and conservative training of his upbringing was too engrained.

@AmberCatz Well he was and has been leading you on. So now you know what he's like. He's not your guy. Let him go. Bye bye! And you have done nothing wrong.

Agree - every “bisexual” man I’ve ever known has only slept with men and turned out to be fully gay later on. It’s like they’re not quite ready to embrace the whole thing so keep one foot in the other door whilst they are coming to accept themselves.
I’m not saying this applies to all bisexual men but must be a good portion based on my experience.

Maybe he was concerned that as you were drunk, you lacked capacity to make proper judgements and give valid consent.

(This would not be unreasonable of him and would make me like him more).

A drunk one at 2am who has work the next day and doesn’t want to shag a very drunk woman?

So a man doesn't want to have sex so he must have Erectile Dysfunction, be having an affair, have some other conspiracy going on he can't just not want to have sex?

How on earth poster's on here know all this?

After everything I've read, OP is the walking red flag and he's had the lucky escape.

What he said sounds like total bs OP. What single man, who fancies a woman, turns down sex?!

He is either cheating, has ED, or there is something he isn't telling you. Don't overthink it, you were absolutely right to demand an apology from him - he DID lead you on. Look at all the drama he has already created. Block him and forget about him. Nothing good will come of this.

OP how did he drag you. you had no say?

While I do not blame him for my drinking, he dragged me into a lifestyle for the night that I've long since left behind.

yes this is blaming him, you’re a grown up, you do need to fully take responsibility for your own decisions,

He sounds like a big soft-arsed pussy. He will be nothing but trouble. Chuck him back in!

I think this guy is gay

Never let a man tell you more than once he doesn’t want you.

In his defence he may not have led you on. He may have genuinely liked you before that evening. I’ve had situations where one comment or action just gave me the ick and I had to back off quickly. The whole, ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ is just a kinder way of telling the other person you’ve changed your mind.

He is just not that into you. And that's ok, just move on.

Also bear in mind he might have other issues around sex eg ED or something else. Better to know sooner than later.

Maybe he did like you and was put off that you wanted to have sex early on in dating under those circumstances. I personally dont judge and its 2026 if you wanted to have sex good for you.. but you do get the odd man that is put off by it.. if they like you for something more serious they want to think your hard to get and boost there ego when they do finally get you... they just respect you more for it. Again no judgements from me just trying to think how his brain might of been working as I dont believe he would of had several dates and made out with you if he wasnt interested!