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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

659 replies

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 10:04

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

OP posts:
bananaobama · 25/09/2026 21:54

He definitely has issues

please don’t waste time on these
types

been there, done it!

when they like you, they let you know. There are no games. You’re not left wondering

bananaobama · 25/09/2026 21:42

You went on a few dates …but he doesn’t want anything romantic?

dick

Venusunbroken · 25/09/2026 21:36

AmberCatz · 25/09/2026 19:17

@outerspacepotato I've already taken responsibility for getting drunk.

BUT - in the second bar, he asked if I wanted to get another drink. I said 'yes but this is my final drink'. Unfortunately that drink dissolved my inhibitions completely. Later he said let's go to a third bar and I didn't protest.

Should I have drank that much? No. Was he caring and thoughtful continuing to buy me drinks and convince me to go more bars? I told him when we first met I don't drink much because I'm a lightweight. This is a hard lesson for me to learn. I should've held my boundary and didn't.

And yet you still think he was in thr wrong to not shag you in that condition? And it was his fault you got drunk?

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 25/09/2026 21:30

FeistyFrankie · 25/09/2026 07:00

What he said sounds like total bs OP. What single man, who fancies a woman, turns down sex?!

He is either cheating, has ED, or there is something he isn't telling you. Don't overthink it, you were absolutely right to demand an apology from him - he DID lead you on. Look at all the drama he has already created. Block him and forget about him. Nothing good will come of this.

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I’m STAGGERED by all these comments criticising him for not having sex with the OP WHEN SHE WAS DRUNK!!!!!!

If you’re intoxicated you’re not consenting - it’s rape!

JFC. If she regretted it the next day and was feeling guilty or angry he’d seemingly taken advantage of her everyone would be telling her to call the police!

Men really cannot do right according to a great many MNetters.

August1980 · 25/09/2026 20:55

Op, it’s ok! You did nothing wrong. Just dust yourself off, have an paracetamol and lots of water and binge watch boxsets!

better you know where you stand than to be messed about.

Original poster
AmberCatz · 25/09/2026 19:23

Thanks @Bunny65 x

OP posts:
Bunny65 · 25/09/2026 19:21

You didn't do anything wrong. It's normal to assume that if you go out on a few dates with a man and he wants to kiss you that he actually fancies you. And even if he wants to take things slower it's hardly respectful or kind to tell you that actually he doesn't want to be romantic. Anyone would be mortified but it's not your fault. So you had a few drinks but that's not a crime, you weren't blind drunk.

Original poster
AmberCatz · 25/09/2026 19:17

@outerspacepotato I've already taken responsibility for getting drunk.

BUT - in the second bar, he asked if I wanted to get another drink. I said 'yes but this is my final drink'. Unfortunately that drink dissolved my inhibitions completely. Later he said let's go to a third bar and I didn't protest.

Should I have drank that much? No. Was he caring and thoughtful continuing to buy me drinks and convince me to go more bars? I told him when we first met I don't drink much because I'm a lightweight. This is a hard lesson for me to learn. I should've held my boundary and didn't.

OP posts:
timemotionboredom · 25/09/2026 19:15

He sounds to me like one of those men who gets satisfaction from messing with your head. I've been there.

I've had the them not being happy until they see you cry experience.

Best to leave well alone. There's a potential lifetime of confusion and misery down that road.

outerspacepotato · 25/09/2026 19:08

She was very drunk and he decided not to have sex with someone who was really drunk. That's a smart decision.

Teasing? Leading on? That sounds like something out of the 60s. A man can say no to sex just like a woman. He was being a decent guy and not doing something they both might regret in the morning, especially when she was being argumentative. She got messy drunk and he got turned off is the most likely scenario. Or it was 2 AM and he was tired.

Ladygodalmighty · 25/09/2026 19:07

AmyDudley · 23/09/2026 10:11

You don't need to apologise, he's being rude and giving out mixed messages. I'd say you dodged a bullet by finding out what he's actually like before you get involved. Personally I would ditch him, but I've got a low thresh hold for people who play silly games.

Anyway don't feel upset and mortified over some idiot who makes you feel bad.

This 💯

Bunny65 · 25/09/2026 18:32

He's obviously got problems. He led you on and it wasn't a casual one-off thing that happened spontaneously on a night out. In any case it is horribly teasing to go out on dates with someone, go in for passionate kissing and then reject them. It's not as if you proposed marriage. I would give him a wide berth from now on and don't beat yourself up, as soon as he realises you're not interested he'll come crawling back at some point wanting your attention. It's all ego with some of these types.

Venusunbroken · 25/09/2026 18:19

EarringsandLipstick · 25/09/2026 17:27

God I feel like using your emoji right back to you.

If a man slept with a woman without obtaining genuine consent, of course it's rape - there is no 'calling him a rapist'

I really think some posters have difficulty reading.

It's not the 'no sex' part that upset her (though she'd have liked sex); it's the acting like he was interested (passionate kissing), before then completely changing, vaguely saying he'd see her 'some time', denying he ever wanted a romantic relationship, and ignoring her as they walked to get her a taxi. That's really demeaning treatment.

Imagine thinking the scenario you just wrote has any relevance to what happened.

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Well you and her disagree, as she’s been very clear, from in her op on, it really hurt her, but you tell her she’s wrong Confused

Minniemeandothers · 25/09/2026 18:03

It is disappointing that things did not work out but I think he would have not said “I am not looking for anything romantic right now” if you had not made your intentions clear. I understand knowing you were a bit drunk adds to your shame, but he is the one who is playing an unclear game. I think you can proudly move on without any apology and keep dating until you find your person.

EarringsandLipstick · 25/09/2026 17:29

AmberCatz · 25/09/2026 16:43

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff yeah I can't say for sure but feel there may be some truth in what you say.

If he thinks that messing me around or having a fling could be damaging to his career, yes he might worry.

one thing I found a bit odd the other night was he was keen to do a deep dive on my previous relationships, wanted to know if my last break up was good or bad etc. When I said he said we broke up last year he went 'oh wow that's really recent' (really?). I don't usually want to talk about exes in depth like this early doors - bit much. Going to try and 'shake it off' this weekend (Florence and the Machine style)...

i don't think there's any truth in it, tbh. If there was, he'd say that, while being kind to you. Not denying there was anything romantic after kissing you, and shutting down and ignoring you.

And if he was thinking that way, and isn't mature enough to use his words, then really, there's no point in being with him anyway

EarringsandLipstick · 25/09/2026 17:27

Venusunbroken · 25/09/2026 16:24

And if he has slept with her and the next day she regretted it, said she’d been very drunk, they’d have called him a rapist and said drunk women can’t consent.

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God I feel like using your emoji right back to you.

If a man slept with a woman without obtaining genuine consent, of course it's rape - there is no 'calling him a rapist'

I really think some posters have difficulty reading.

It's not the 'no sex' part that upset her (though she'd have liked sex); it's the acting like he was interested (passionate kissing), before then completely changing, vaguely saying he'd see her 'some time', denying he ever wanted a romantic relationship, and ignoring her as they walked to get her a taxi. That's really demeaning treatment.

Imagine thinking the scenario you just wrote has any relevance to what happened.

EarringsandLipstick · 25/09/2026 17:24

Venusunbroken · 25/09/2026 15:55

😱

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Do use your words?

Millytante · 25/09/2026 17:17

JHound · 25/09/2026 10:43

It’s insane advice!

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Insane and dangerous

Original poster
AmberCatz · 25/09/2026 16:43

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff yeah I can't say for sure but feel there may be some truth in what you say.

If he thinks that messing me around or having a fling could be damaging to his career, yes he might worry.

one thing I found a bit odd the other night was he was keen to do a deep dive on my previous relationships, wanted to know if my last break up was good or bad etc. When I said he said we broke up last year he went 'oh wow that's really recent' (really?). I don't usually want to talk about exes in depth like this early doors - bit much. Going to try and 'shake it off' this weekend (Florence and the Machine style)...

OP posts:
Dreamcatcher90 · 25/09/2026 16:30

Venusunbroken · 25/09/2026 16:24

And if he has slept with her and the next day she regretted it, said she’d been very drunk, they’d have called him a rapist and said drunk women can’t consent.

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Exactly and cant claim wanted something serious and romantic nothing serious or romantic about the situation but thats my opinion. Im not judging I believe 2 consenting adults can do what they like with no judgement sexually... but if you go down the route of messy drunken sex then youve already set a boundary of the type of relationship which is not serious or romantic.

Venusunbroken · 25/09/2026 16:24

NotMajorTom · 25/09/2026 16:05

Spot on
the number of people saying he must be gay, bisexual, impotent, or have some other issue just because he didn’t want to sleep with the op is shocking.

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And if he has slept with her and the next day she regretted it, said she’d been very drunk, they’d have called him a rapist and said drunk women can’t consent.

NotMajorTom · 25/09/2026 16:06

JMSA · 25/09/2026 15:11

He probably has sexual issues or is insecure about the size of his penis. I’m honestly not being facetious; he will have a hang-up of some sort. YANBU and have dodged a bullet with this weirdo.

Ffs

NotMajorTom · 25/09/2026 16:05

Dreamcatcher90 · 25/09/2026 10:04

I did write a post but seems its been took down. I cant believe how people's brains work these days. Maybe he just got the ick she was putting out too soon , maybe her breathe stunk... maybe he couldn't handle his alcohol or needed a shit. Im not saying any of those things are true but branding the man being gay bisexual having erectile dysfunction and actually fully meaning and believing it is beyond crazy and i can tell theres obviously alot of people on this thread that have got through life by being in denial in there own situations and absoloutely deluding themselves. I cant believe this post has got so much attention. Just message him an ask if youve done something wrong or why the change in heart if you want answers or get over it in a few days and move on. Im sure every adult on this thread has had rejection in there life and a confusing head scratcher situation..but its life.

Spot on
the number of people saying he must be gay, bisexual, impotent, or have some other issue just because he didn’t want to sleep with the op is shocking.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/09/2026 16:00

I could be completely wrong @AmberCatz , but I think probably he did fancy you and liked you but sounds very wary of relationships (apart from his one with alcohol 😁)
If that's a lifestyle you've been steering clear of, then I think you are right to regard it as something you didn't want to be dragged back into.

So fact that you work in the same industry, you are sociable, confident and outgoing - (more so than he is from the description) and you have a lot of contacts and acquaintances in the related industry - and you are not afraid of being honest - is maybe why he's veered off. But all of those things are good qualities, so its lame if that was the reason.

Perhaps he realised that having a casual fling or a quick relationship that ends as soon as he felt he was getting too involved or not following through would look bad to all these people. Maybe he's just one of those pick you up and drop you and pick you up again types. If that's the case, he might be a bit calculating and using you for introductions.

All of that is only a possible theory though. I guess I was looking for ways to say you may have dodged a bullet. Whatever it is, I hope you have a bloomin brilliant weekend with your friends and don't let this continue to weigh you down.

Good points by @SquirrelMadness BTW

Venusunbroken · 25/09/2026 15:55

EarringsandLipstick · 25/09/2026 15:24

not ignoring it at all? But what's wrong with that? She is only saying there that she liked him, would have liked to have spent the night with him and was disappointed he said no.

None of that is badgering someone for sex when they said no. The next paragraph, the one I directed you to that you ignored makes it clear why she got upset. Not because he said no to sex, but how he then dismissed her (we'll meet up sometime) and ignored her (walking ahead). That's shitty behaviour.

She should not have said he 'led her on'. But he treated her badly, and she is entitled to feel upset. That's NOT the same as saying, we kissed, you have to sleep with me now.

It's certainly not my reading of it that's bizarre. 😳

And it's plain as day that he's gay, and not interested on that basis

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😱