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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

660 replies

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 10:04

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

OP posts:
AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 10:31

Scarlettpixie · 23/09/2026 10:30

Jeez - imagine if a woman said she’d kissed a man but refused sex and was then being accused of leading him on! One thing does not have to lead to another. I don’t think you need to be embarrassed for asking but your reaction to him saying no was OTT.

agree it was OTT - should I say to him sorry my reaction was OTT it was a rsult of drinking far too much?

hard to know what to say now

OP posts:
OnlyUsername · 23/09/2026 10:31

PollyBell · 23/09/2026 10:26

So if a man accused a woman of leading him on this place would let of red flag fireworks why is it different when a woamn does it (unless you are a man)

He did nothing wrong you were just desperate so own it then move on

Oh, it's you.

Please ignore this one OP.

DahliaDelights · 23/09/2026 10:30

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 10:20

@DahliaDelights unfortunately I already told him I was hurt last night! Because I was drunk.

Wish I'd kept my gob shut.

Well whats done is done, if it ever comes up in future, him gloating (dont take the bait and get defensive or hurt), diminish it that you were drunk and over it by the time you got a kebab later!

Megifer · 23/09/2026 10:30

Im really uncomfortable with the "leading you on" comments.

Fiftyandme · 23/09/2026 10:30

Throw this one back into the sea.

Scarlettpixie · 23/09/2026 10:30

Jeez - imagine if a woman said she’d kissed a man but refused sex and was then being accused of leading him on! One thing does not have to lead to another. I don’t think you need to be embarrassed for asking but your reaction to him saying no was OTT.

millit · 23/09/2026 10:30

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 10:20

@DahliaDelights unfortunately I already told him I was hurt last night! Because I was drunk.

Wish I'd kept my gob shut.

If you’ve been dating someone for a few months, you’re well within your rights to feel hurt when they suddenly say they don’t want anything romantic. He absolutely didn’t owe you sex, but that’s a separate issue. After spending months getting to know someone, of course that rejection is going to sting.

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 10:28

professionalcommentreader · 23/09/2026 10:27

I wouldn’t message or worry about it. Although I reckon if in a reverse and a man suggested going home to a female and then had a go at them for leading them on the replies might be different.

obviously I feel bad about this. It's a result of feeling lonely for romantic company and no sex for a year AND thinking things were going somewhere between us.

I don't like leaving him with the thought I pressured him. So that's the only reason I feel I maybe need to say something but I don't know what - as I feel I shouldn't be taking full responsibility.

OP posts:
LeebLeefuhLurve · 23/09/2026 10:28

I'd thank your lucky stars that you have swerved this headfuck of a weirdo. You did nothing wrong, and he deserved to be called out. You'll feel a lot better once the hangover subsides.

SometimesTheIntrusiveThoughtsWin · 23/09/2026 10:28

TheSpottedZebra · 23/09/2026 10:18

You don't have to sleep with everyone you go out with and/or kiss if you don't want to. And nor does he.

No one has lead anyone on, no one should feel embarrassed or belittled, you just didnt want the same thing, at the same time.

Absolutely this. Not everyone wants to have sex after four dates. And frankly any man worth dating shouldn’t be having sex for the first time with someone who was so drunk they’ve got the “worst hangover”.

Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice · 23/09/2026 10:27

You have the fear so everything seems worse.

Keep it casual with him (just talking) and move onto someone else who wants the same as you.

Also chips and curry sauce and fizzy juice will sort you right out!

professionalcommentreader · 23/09/2026 10:27

PollyBell · 23/09/2026 10:26

So if a man accused a woman of leading him on this place would let of red flag fireworks why is it different when a woamn does it (unless you are a man)

He did nothing wrong you were just desperate so own it then move on

Exactly.

professionalcommentreader · 23/09/2026 10:27

I wouldn’t message or worry about it. Although I reckon if in a reverse and a man suggested going home to a female and then had a go at them for leading them on the replies might be different.

PollyBell · 23/09/2026 10:26

So if a man accused a woman of leading him on this place would let of red flag fireworks why is it different when a woamn does it (unless you are a man)

He did nothing wrong you were just desperate so own it then move on

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 10:26

The only part I feel bad about here is if I made him feel like he was obligated to have sex. I feel like maybe I need to say something there but now it just seems pointless to say anything at all. It's ruined.

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 23/09/2026 10:25

He doesn't want what you want, for whatever reason. When you meet someone who wants what you want, you'll know. Hangovers make you feel depressed - you'll feel better once it's gone.

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 10:25

And it wasn't just the kissing - he was pulling me passionately to him and fondling my arse. I thought it was all green lights!

I realise this doesn't have to lead to more but I misread that through this and him extending the night this is where it was leading.

OP posts:
honeylulu · 23/09/2026 10:25

I don't think you need be angry or embarrassed. He's not obliged to participate in sexual activity. It was reasonable of you to test the water by suggesting a kiss (and more) but now you know and won't waste more time wondering. Your feelings are accentuated by the hangover - ask me how I know!

But I think it's very fair to feel confused and a bit fed up. Why on earth is he dating if he doesn't want anything romantic? Or if its just that he likes your company very much but doesn't feel a romantic spark then he should have clarified in the first very long date that he'd like to have you as a friend. He's made it a lot more awkward by carrying on the "dates" without sharing that with you.

Mosaic80 · 23/09/2026 10:25

You're just feeling extra anxious due to the hangover. Just be really kind to yourself today. He's in the wrong, who goes on 4 dates with someone, holds hands etc but doesn't want anything romantic? Ultimately, you've done the right thing and saved yourself more "friend dates" with this guy.

Serenity75 · 23/09/2026 10:24

Maybe he didn’t want to have sex with you because you were really drunk and a good man would be concerned about you being able to consent properly? And didn’t want to start a row with a clearly drunk person by saying so?

Happyjoe · 23/09/2026 10:23

Totally legit to feel upset how the date ended and you were brave enough to say what you said - and now you know where you stand. You didn't say anything wrong, at all imo.

Brush him off, he's not the one for you. You don't need to feel unwanted, unsexy, fed up, confused by his mix actions at the hands of a man who's behaving badly because he wasn't upfront as to what he wanted. I would say run away.

OnlyUsername · 23/09/2026 10:23

That's weird. If you've been out a few times and held hands he absolutely knows the assumptions any woman would be making. And he said he was single and "open". Saying not tonight is one thing but saying he doesn't want "anything romantic" at all is another!

ChocolateApples · 23/09/2026 10:23

It's fine for you to want to sleep with him and it's fine for him not to want to. Which can be hard to take when you are feeling rejected, but really it's okay!

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/09/2026 10:22

At least he told you. I'd guess that he fancies you but isn't in the right place for a proper relationship - so at least he was good enough to let you know rather than sleeping with you and then ghosting or being unavailable from now on. Maybe the previous few dates were to try to find out whether you wanted something more FWB, now he knows you want something more involved, he's out.

BigBilly · 23/09/2026 10:21

Highlighta · 23/09/2026 10:12

Do you know the term "hangxiety" OP?

There may be a case of this kicking in this morning, and today things appear worse because hangover anxiety is a real thing.

You did not do anything wrong. But he is not the one for you if you want a serious relationship. He has made it clear now that he doesn't.

Drink water today and eat some carbs and put him to the back of your mind for a few days.

This is the best advice ⬆️