To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

How old are you? I ask because I’m surprised at a man declining sex. I’ve never come across this personally in my life. Men would usually jump at the chance, often even if they’re not massively attracted to the woman and more so when pissed as you were. His reaction is surprising to me and claiming not to want anything romantic when you’d spent the night snogging is insane. Maybe he has ED and panicked because he didn’t have any pills.

if he didn't want to do anything he could have not kissed you?

Have you considered just how rapey that sounds?

Men are allowed to be not interested in sex, and are allowed to change their minds at any point too, just like women. Nobody owes anyone sex, nobody is obliged to say yes so as not to hurt feelings.

If that's what he believes nothing you say will change it, whuch he probably doesn't. Leave it be.

He basically did the right thing by not going home with a drunk woman if he wasn't sure. It might even be that he wasn't sure he could perform after all the drink!

It doesn't mean you were wrong to ask.

For all that's good and holy, you don't word anything, just delete his number and move on. Your dignity has taken a battering by him rejecting you after chewing your face off, don't dig a deeper hole, you will feel so much worse. Just focus on looking after yourself, rehydrate and maybe get outside to clear your head.

I'm so confused. If it was the other way at round everyone would side with the women. Also if you were that drunk you could accuse him of rape. It should be you apologising.

You know if a man had got cross and accused a woman of leading him on because they’d shared some kissing but then declined sex, he would be an arsehole. So I understand your embarrassment.

Him wanting to end the night because he was tired was reasonable and who knows perhaps he wanted to wait to have sex with you when he wasn’t tired and, perhaps more importantly, when you weren’t pissed. That would make him a decent person. Once your hangover has worn off have a think about if there’s any truth in that.

So what is he responsible for? He did nothing wrong you are the one who wanted a shag

You do not word anything, and just leave it now.

There can be all sorts of reason for his response. And chances are that you will never know them, so now you just need to move on from this.

It could be he did not want to sleep with someone whilst they are drunk.

It could be he had his ego dented by you making the first move.
It could be that he also had too much to drink and felt he couldn't have sex.
It could be that he just wasn't feeling it after meeting up.

Do you see how none of this actually involves you.

So if something like this appplies, you now sending messages is not really going to change things.

Like I mentioned, you are now hyperfocusing on this now and you are in high anxiety state.

I strongly advise you to put the phone down, step away from your thread now and from sending any messages.

I was going to say exactly this!

What do you think he should take responsibility for?

You were drunk. Not everyone wants to have drunk sex and, hard as it is to believe in this day and age, not everyone wants to have sex after a first or second date anyway.

I wouldn't be impressed by someone accusing me of leading them on because we'd had a snog and a bit of a fumble.

So apologise for that if you want 'resolution'. Accept that he has said he doesn't want to get involved with anyone at the moment. Then move on. There'll be someone else out there for you.

Agree with those saying the hangxiety is exacerbating this. But I also think you did the right thing because you wanted to move things forward.

You did nothing that needs an apology; he’s allowed not to want sex but you’re allowed to suggest it. I would look at this as him doing the right thing in not sleeping with you if he doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with you, but that he could have been more honest about that when you had the ‘where is this going’ conversation.

If you feel you must message, don’t put an apology, but you could thank him for being honest albeit a bit late in the process! And maybe say you’ve enjoyed his company but it’s clear you want different things.

You were honest about your hurt last night, and if he went cold it’s understandable that you told him. Then just let it go and accept whatever comes up next. You might not hear from him again, or you might, but he has definitely given you mixed messages and so I would take the decision now to step back from whatever this is. It isn’t what you want and that’s what matters.

Ahh I've done a very similar thing OP and it still makes me want to crawl into a hole ten years later. Throw this one back though.

I think it could be a good exercise for you to re-read you message and swap the pronouns so it reads like you’re a man talking about a night out with a woman.

If you reverse the scenario, I think you’ll see how absolutely OK it was that he drew a boundary wherever he wished.

It hurts your ego and that makes you feel all sorts of things (I’d be exactly the same, most people would), but he wasn’t obliged to take things further if he didn’t want to.

I’d just be gentle with yourself while your ego and hangover recovers and move on. ❤️

This isn’t a you problem. The guy sounds off. Why on earth is he dating you, going on a night out with you and kissing you if he “doesn’t want anything romantic”?? Everything you did sounds perfectly natural. You’ll feel better once the hangover subsides and you realise you dodged a bullet. There’s no point trying to analyse his behaviour or let it bruise your ego too much. Dating is tough, you’ll have to just shrug your shoulders and move on from this one.

But I don't think people meant he was "leading you on" with regards to sex. If a man asked a woman if it was ok to kiss her and she just wanted friendship I would expect her to say no. In fact I have done just that! There's no way he didn't know you thought you were on romantic dates with the hand-holding.

It sounds to me like he wanted sex but could sense that you want more, so didn't go through with it

Leave him alone

Just because you kissed doesn’t mean he is ready for sex. Am I missing something.
not all bloke are ready for a shag with a almost stranger. Slow down.

He obvs does fancy you otherwise he would’ve not gone out with you. I think the fact that he declined sex with a drunk woman is absolutely to his credit. A more unscrupulous man would’ve jumped into bed with you no questions asked.

But I do appreciate it’s embarrassing. I would send him a message saying that you had too much to drink, you acted out of character and you apologise for any embarrassment caused. And leave it at that.

He doesn’t seem to know what he wants. It’s probably a good thing that you didn’t go home with him.

No, just leave it now.

Do not message him.

Sounds like mind games. Just put it down to experience and move on. Personally I wouldn't have any further contact with them.

You didn’t pressure him. You asked, he said no and you said your feelings were hurt because he doesn’t want anything romantic.