To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

This

I read the post that your reaction wasn’t just about him not wanting to have sex.

It sounds like it was about him suddenly going cold and saying “I'm not looking for anything romantic right now”. Romance to me doesn’t mean sex, it means everything else - so what did he mean? That spending time together and kissing means nothing? He just wants sex and no dates?

If he’d said he wants to wait longer, doesn’t feel like it today, doesn’t want a sexual relationship etc. then I think that would’ve been clearer. But I think he did lead you on in thinking that there was some romance (not necessarily sex). I would just leave it and not get in touch

It makes perfect sense to me that he didn’t want to go home with you given that it was already late, he had been drinking, and (unlike you) he had work the next day. He wouldn’t have been able to go to work straight from your place so would have had to go home very late, or very early, in order to shower and change.

Neither of you wanted anything wrong and you could both have behaved better when it was clear that you didn’t want the same thing. It sounds like you had both drunk a lot, so I would put it down to that rather than any more fundamental issue (given that otherwise you have been enjoying each other’s company).

I would leave the ball in his court for now.

As for the not wanting romance thing, well they'd just been talking about how they were both single and open which for him might've meant that they were both on the same page i.e. staying single and not wanting anything romantic. Thinking this was clear, the kisses would've been a fun thing but not meant as much to him as OP who had a different interpretation of their 'single' convo. These are minefields to negotiate, but ultimately isn't it better that he was clear rather than carrying on with the physical side if they weren't so aligned after all.

Fuck, don’t apologise. Just move on. Your instinct is to repair? Why? If you start hanging out as friends you won’t meet anyone else, don’t invest time in someone who isn’t available

Op I would phone and ask what went wrong as you appeared to be getting especially as he grabbed your bum.
There may be something else to this that he has not explained.

Don’t be embarrassed - he’s an arse. He’s been on dates and kissed you. Not romantic????
I’d give him a wide swerve. Prob should have drunk a bit less but we’ve all been there. Head high. Move on. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Probably a lucky escape.

Well then I led men on too by that theory. I would date, get to the kiss, feel nothing then go cold and end it. For me, the kiss is EVERYTHING. I have in the past kept going, and just kept dating, and kissing (no more) and hoping for the spark to come and it never does. I learnt early doors in dating that, for me, the kiss tells me everything I need to know chemistry wise.

I dont consider that 'leading them on'. I consider that me dating to work out if they are for me or not. Isnt that the whole reason to date?

Some of the replies here are bonkers! Clearly he did lead the OP on - he went on 4 dates before declaring he wasn’t interested.

Its obviously that that’s upsetting her rather than him not feeling like sex on that particular occasion, come on.

Anyone would be confused and disappointed to have a romance they thought was going somewhere shut down in this way. Doesn’t make her “rapey”, nor would it make a man rapey 🙄

I would have felt led on if, after 4 dates and a couple of snogs, the person said they "weren't looking for anything romantic" followed by them walking away from me in the street and suddenly treating me coldly if I invited them into my bed.

Not the part where they didn't want to have sex, that's fine, and can be said by either party at any point.

He did not lead you on you just don't want to beleive it

I don’t think it is the same, actually. Women tend to be in a more vulnerable position, in terms of both physical strength and social messaging, and unfortunately are often the victims of aggressive male sexual behaviour. A man accusing a woman of ‘leading him on’ is always going to feel more loaded than a woman saying it to a man.

Just keep it simple, just say you drank a lot for you and that youd like to apologise. You don't need to be specific

Oh gosh please don’t message him. I just don’t think it will achieve anything and you’ll feel rotten afterwards, even worse
than you do now.

I don’t think an apology is needed, from either of you. And I bet he will just ignore it if you give him one.

It’s just one of those things. Totally know how rubbish you feel though OP.

If he didn't want anything he could have not kissed you.

And...

He is in the wrong for leading you on- just put it down to experience. But hold your head high.

This is so fucked up. Can't believe some people are damning him because he was up for kisses and clinches but didn't want to go on for a night of full sex for the perfectly fine reason that he was tired and wanted to sleep before work. Are you serious?? Do men have to find the offer of sex so irresistible that declining it means there's something wrong and they need to be ditched?

As for the 'leading on'... I took the OP's use of it to be jokey but people agreeing that he WAS in fact leading her on is also deeply fucked up. People are tired and have work. They don't have to let their horn override that just to please their date ffs.

OP, I agree a lot of this is overthink/hangxiety/insecurity and it sounds like a nice night if you can get the 'rejection' in perspective and not read so much into it. I don't think you need to be mortified, but I wouldn't take the angle that he's some weirdo for not wanting more or that he doesn't truly like you just because he was satisfied with the night as it was.

He doesn’t fancy you. That’s a bit crushing but at least you know and you can move on.

Agree with a PP, Chemistry is a weird thing. You could have blistering eye contact with someone across the dinner table all night and realise during a snog that actually, it’s just not clicking for you. Either way, it is to his credit he didn’t fuck a wasted woman.

Then do it

And don’t forget the thing about a man that shouldn’t really have sex with you if you’re that drunk anyway

Exactly. I think coldly saying he's not looking for anything romantic is hurtful because it makes OP feel like she's been a mug misreading his behaviour for 2 months - when actually I think he's just decided he isn't interested as of now.

Do nothing.

I feel ive been him many times when dating. I just would like the look of the guy, like spending time with them, but when it came to the kissing part I just felt --- nothing! I was started to get worried actually that maybe I was just dead inside/going through menopause and just not fancying anyone when it came to it. Fortunately being with my boyfriend sorted that out as sparks flew from the first kiss. Maybe it was that. He just didn't feel the spark once it got to the snogging bit. That says absolutely nothing about your level of attractiveness. I would be on dates with men where I was clearly punching, kiss them and feel nothing whatsoever. My boyfriend wasnt the most handsome at all - its just chemistry/pheromones - who the fuck knows.

I reckon he just didn't get that buzzy feeling so backed off. OR he could have been turned off by you being pissed up. Lots of men hate that. (No judgement there - you are entitled to get drunk, we all do!).

I would say to him your ego was a bit dented last night when he rejected you, and you are sorry you were pushy. Say clearly the chemistry isnt really there and you wish him well. He may say it is but he felt weird cos you were pissed or whatever and want to give it another shot. Or he might let you down easy. But fgs DO NOT SEE A REJECTION AS A REFLECTION ON YOU. Chemistry is a weird thing and often makes zero sense.

This

@AmberCatz I do think you should apologise for accusing him of leading you on

If he wants to kiss, but he isn’t up for having sex, then you should respect that
Christ, imagine if this was the other way round

I don't think it's a drawing boundaries thing. Maybe I have misunderstood but it sounds like you suggested sex (essentially), he said no, you accepted that, he went completely cold and said he wasn't looking for romance, you got embarrassingly cross.

Unless the 'you accepted that' bit went differently or I've got the order wrong I think it's a Madonna/whore thing where it's ok for HIM to persuade you to kiss him, grope your arse etc but if YOU do anything that suggests you like sex he immediately shuts down. Sure it was a bit embarrassing to respond drunkenly cross. But I think you are well rid in that case.

If you 'reverse the sexes' as people are so tiresomely fond of doing a woman would probably be at pains to make sure the man knew he liked her she just didn't want to fuck. And she would have done it in a way that meant he didn't just do it anyway/kill her for saying so.