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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be mortified and so upset about how this date ended?

679 replies

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 10:04

I met a guy a couple of months ago and we've been out a few times. I posted before about the first date being 11 hours long (he kept extending the day and I was happy to spend time). But although there had been affection and some hand holding we hadn't kissed yet - so this did make me suspicious about his interest. Its been stressing me out really.

Last night we went to a show with my best friend and her boyfriend. Afterwards, he suggested we all grab a drink at a nearby pub. had a great time and because I was off work today we kept going (and drinking, bad move). Basically we talked about how we were both single and open, then I asked if he'd like to kiss and he leaned in and kissed me. We made out for a while and then went to another bar where he instigated another make out and put his arm around me etc.

I haven't slept with anyone in a year and was keen to take him home. So i suggested it and he said he was too tired and needed to sleep before work. I immediately read he just wasn't interested and it hurt but I brushed it off. He said we'll meet 'some other time'

As we were trying to get me a taxi he kept walking ahead and became super distant. Finally I was like what gives and he says 'I'm not looking for anything romantic right now'. I think I messed up here because I then said he owed me an apology for leading me on. He refused, and said there's nothing wrong for enjoying one night and kissing. We had not an argument but a kind of tiff.

I'm now dead from the worst hungover for ages and feel terrible about how we left things. We have each other on social media and several mutual friends - do I need to apologise? I also feel like I threw myself out him and he isn't attracted to me so that feels terrible also.

OP posts:
dairydebris · 23/09/2026 19:10

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 19:08

it is for me. I met him in July. Had developed a crush on him since then, had been developing real feelings. So I know I need to 'get over it' but it isn't nothing.

Just stop thinking about it now. You're wallowing. Take a bath and read a good book.

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 19:08

Humanshurtmyhead · 23/09/2026 19:05

You need to get over it. It's really not a big thing.

it is for me. I met him in July. Had developed a crush on him since then, had been developing real feelings. So I know I need to 'get over it' but it isn't nothing.

OP posts:
Humanshurtmyhead · 23/09/2026 19:05

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 19:04

I'm struggling with the idea that someone who made out with me repeatedly didn't actually fancy me. it's quite humiliating.

Only good thing is, I've kind of ripped the kissing band aid off after my last break up.

You need to get over it. It's really not a big thing.

dairydebris · 23/09/2026 19:05

LoafofSellotape · 23/09/2026 18:57

Would you really want to be with a man who had the attitude that women can't initiate sex and they have to wait patiently before they bestow it on them?

There is absolutely nothing to indicate this was the case.

This thread is insane.

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 19:04

I'm struggling with the idea that someone who made out with me repeatedly didn't actually fancy me. it's quite humiliating.

Only good thing is, I've kind of ripped the kissing band aid off after my last break up.

OP posts:
LoafofSellotape · 23/09/2026 18:57

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 18:05

Yes, I messed up.

Romance aside I'm also struggling with the fact I was someone he respected and liked, but now saw another side to me and have probably change his viewpoint of me permanently. I had a few regretful nights out in my 20s but in my 30s have moved on from all that. I feel very stupid.

Would you really want to be with a man who had the attitude that women can't initiate sex and they have to wait patiently before they bestow it on them?

Mookie81 · 23/09/2026 18:56

Megifer · 23/09/2026 10:30

Im really uncomfortable with the "leading you on" comments.

Typical fucking mumsnet.
If OP was a man they would have their arse handed to them. No one would be calling the other person a weirdo, a mindfuck, saying they led them on, etc. He can decide he doesnt want sex if he bloody wants, she could be on top of him naked and he's entitled to change his mind! Absolutely disgusting.

CanSeeClearlyNowTheRainHasGone · 23/09/2026 18:51

PrincessofWills · 23/09/2026 10:33

Sounds like mind games. Just put it down to experience and move on. Personally I wouldn't have any further contact with them.

Sounds like mind games.

It sounds like anything but mind-games to me.

I read it as:
Girl getting drunk, getting frisky.
He happy because he fancies her (or was also very drunk) and reciprocates with the kissing and touching
She suggests sex
He is (any or all of these)
a) wise enough to understand the consent might be dodgy with someone so intoxicated
b) putting the blame on himself (I'm too tired) so she don't feel rejected
c) making sure she understands that sex doesn't equate to lifetime commitment so there is no confusion about what any future offer of sex means
She gets huffy (as we do when we've had a drink and get knocked back)
She makes it his fault.

I'm really struggling to pin the blame on him here.

I think OP needs to decide what she wants from this relationship.

  • Casual with optional sex
  • Only romantic

Then she can decide how to talk to him next.

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 18:50

@Cutletcake thank you. I'm sure you're right - just had a shower and feel 20% better. Not eaten all day so about to right that too.

He mentioned gay bars last night and I saw my best friend kind of raise her eyebrow. Nothing wrong with mentioning it but was clearly someone keen. I agree he may be working some stuff out.

at least we've somewhat cleared the air. Need to accept it was likely never going to be what I wished for regardless of how I reacted last night.

OP posts:
Humanshurtmyhead · 23/09/2026 18:49

Fatandknowit · 23/09/2026 18:46

Completely disagree with this!
If it was roles reversed I guarantee you wouldnt be saying there's no shame in him wanting sex and that she led him on by kissing him.
Wow!

Spot on

Fatandknowit · 23/09/2026 18:46

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 23/09/2026 10:08

The fault lies with him.

If he didn't want anything he could have not kissed you.

Don't have shame for wanting to have sex, there is no shame.

He is in the wrong for leading you on- just put it down to experience. But hold your head high.

Completely disagree with this!
If it was roles reversed I guarantee you wouldnt be saying there's no shame in him wanting sex and that she led him on by kissing him.
Wow!

Cutletcake · 23/09/2026 18:37

OP, you are being really hard on yourself and I do think its the hangover.
No one died here.
You got shitfaced and were a bit cranky.
Him having to work may have been a big part of this.

However, In my experience and I have a lot of bi's around me via my children and friends children, bi is the precursor, often for years, to coming out with a same sex partner.
Never once has it resulted in a heterosexual long term relationship in my experience.

I think there is still an enormous struggle for many to come out as definitely gay.
Far easier to say bi and to be finding yourself.

I suspect this also to be the case with my daughter in her early 20's, she is still very much finding/figuring herself out, before I believe she actually accepts she is gay.

She knows we only want her happiness and have repeated that several times.

I think it is more her accepting this label for herself and what it will mean in her large circle, her future career, she is extremely bright and ambitious.

She's a looker and gets a lot of male attention, probably connected to her genuine disinterest in men around her own age, which makes her very relaxed, witty and good fun.

I really thinknyou should forgive yourself, he has accepted your apology.

I think it's better you found out now as I think it is a definite possibility he is gay and he's working stuff out.

PrideanndPurrjudice · 23/09/2026 18:32

moderate · 23/09/2026 18:27

Then you'll be mortified to hear you implied that bisexual men are just gay men who haven't admitted it to themselves or others yet.

No no I didn’t. I think this man fits that description though.

ChapmanFarm · 23/09/2026 18:30

moderate · 23/09/2026 18:19

I can't believe there are still people in this thread trying to make a case that they would never dream of making if the sexes were reversed.

I think he's perfectly right to say he doesn't want to sleep with her but most of us would express that as 'not tonight', or 'we need to get to know each other better' or 'I'm not ready for that yet'.

To say "I'm not interested in you romantically" is a hard full stop. Which seems odd after a date you've spent snogging.

Nevs · 23/09/2026 18:27

PrideanndPurrjudice · 23/09/2026 18:22

Oh no of course they do. Mostly female. Not all. But most.

Agreed.

moderate · 23/09/2026 18:27

PrideanndPurrjudice · 23/09/2026 18:22

Oh no of course they do. Mostly female. Not all. But most.

Then you'll be mortified to hear you implied that bisexual men are just gay men who haven't admitted it to themselves or others yet.

ChapmanFarm · 23/09/2026 18:25

Having read your other thread, he's definitely one for mixed signals.

Feels like he has some sort of rule book he's sticking to in words but not in actions.

I suspect it's more to do with him than you but either way, if something is right if isn't this stressful.

Given you have mutual friends I'd probably just let it fizzle.

Nevs · 23/09/2026 18:23

moderate · 23/09/2026 18:21

Is it that you don't think bisexual people exist?

🚨The bisexual police are out in full force today 🚨

PrideanndPurrjudice · 23/09/2026 18:22

moderate · 23/09/2026 18:21

Is it that you don't think bisexual people exist?

Oh no of course they do. Mostly female. Not all. But most.

moderate · 23/09/2026 18:21

PrideanndPurrjudice · 23/09/2026 18:20

You didn’t mess it up. It’s all on him, working out his sexuality. He’s not accepted he’s gay yet poor bloke. Anyway not your problem.

Edited

Is it that you don't think bisexual people exist?

Nevs · 23/09/2026 18:20

moderate · 23/09/2026 18:19

Yeah, I didn't think you could. Never mind.

Thought you did something there didn’t you. Nevermind.

PrideanndPurrjudice · 23/09/2026 18:20

AmberCatz · 23/09/2026 17:48

I regret messing this up. Really do.

Feel there's nothing more can I do but move on.

You didn’t mess it up. It’s all on him, working out his sexuality. He’s not accepted he’s gay yet poor bloke. Anyway not your problem.

moderate · 23/09/2026 18:19

Nevs · 23/09/2026 18:17

Why so, then, if a man fancies both men and women?

Don’t act stupid and pretend like hair colour is in anyway comparable to gender.

Yeah, I didn't think you could. Never mind.

moderate · 23/09/2026 18:19

I can't believe there are still people in this thread trying to make a case that they would never dream of making if the sexes were reversed.

Nevs · 23/09/2026 18:17

moderate · 23/09/2026 18:16

If a man fancies both blondes and brunettes, it's not assumed that this will eventually make him unfaithful. Why so, then, if a man fancies both men and women?

Why so, then, if a man fancies both men and women?

Don’t act stupid and pretend like hair colour is in anyway comparable to gender.