AIBU to want quiet time without MIL before my baby's first birthday?

Yes j appreciate that after reading the Ops update but I do think the op.needs to manage her expectations, which tbf she realises, i also think how she speaks about the grandmother is really disrespectful regardless of why she is babysitting.

An unhappy empty nester.let's see how the op feels in 20 odd years time!

So ... you are happy to invite her to look after your child when it suits you but then want them to bugger off while you have "quiet time"!

I am sure you know you are being unreasonable. It's been such a difficult/magical/transformative year and I just would like some quiet time with my baby to sit with that - honestly that feels really self-indulgent - just go with the flow. Your child is part of a family, some of whom you will get on better with than others. That's just a fact of life.

Only my first child had a first birthday party because after that I realised how ridiculous they were.

YA absolutely NBU but you will have to suck it up, OP. I've been there and felt that and did not suck it up, and caused a lot of unnecessary hurt and bad feeling by doing so.

Please tell me what is sad and embarrassing about having a party for a baby's birthday?

100% this.

What is ridiculous about a first birthday party ? I mean it is obviously for the parents,family and friends the baby doesn't care, but it is hardly "ridiculous"

Big hugs and also it shows how strong you are to be able to take the comments on board. I’m afraid I am another of the opinion that your original post is a bit unreasonable. It’s a special day a first birthday (well all of them) but it’s more for the adults. The birthday child is pretty oblivious truth be told could be celebrated any day and they still wouldn’t know 🙈😂. I would treat it in your head as a family day for all to celebrate and then maybe organise a day out with just you lot after they’ve gone home to make more memories. You are not wrong to feel the way you are feeling and have a desire to have some alone time they are your feelings but think sadly it’s not doable or fair on the grandparents that have travelled.

it will be a lovely day, won’t be exactly how you imagine they never are. I’m like that every Christmas build up seeing their happy faces in the morning opening presents and how amazing the day will be after months of stress buying and wrapping and cooking the glorified Sunday roast and it’s never how I pictured it 🙈😂 xx

I can't agree more - all time of OP should be alone-time with her baby and her husband. Away with intrusive grandparents!

I agree that your expectations about reactions etc aren't likely to be fulfilled in terms of decorations etc.

However I don't know why people are being snotty about enjoying some quiet family time with your baby.

I took my baby out the day after his first birthday, and there was no prepping party food, no topping up glasses etc. Just me and him, it was lovely. But if you've chosen to have a party, then have the party and choose some quiet time separately to that.

It's not unreasonable to want time with your child but the visit's already been planned so it would be unreasonable to ask them to skedaddle for you to have that more intimate morning.

Your child won't have a clue and won't remember this moment. You have and will have plenty of one on one special moments. You can't have a quiet birthday morning because you have visitors, regardless of who they are or what your relationship with them is.

As they get older there'll be all sorts of birthday changes and flexibility so don't get to hung up on it. One of mine was on a school trip for his 11th, another was on a scout camp for his 13th, there are still so many ways to make it special and exciting and for them to know they're loved.

Babies don't even remember their first birthday. My youngest's first birthday was very quiet but pretty shitty because he had chicken pox so couldn't see anyone at all. I've got a few Covid baby mates and they had very quiet lonely first birthdays too. Embrace the chaos, celebrate the madness.

You can have a special quieter, one on one "yay I made it to a year as a mum" day the following week.

p.s. please do tell you MIL at some point that you're the mum and you know what you're doing. Say it calmly and clearly and kindly. I've ended up snapping out something similar recently and wished I'd raised it earlier.

I assume you haven't read OPs update.

GPs asked to look after the baby.
And reflecting making it to a year after a previous still birth is pretty understandable. I think calling that "self indulgent" is really harsh.

Perhaps you have lost a child, but even if you managed it perfectly, I think you could spare a tad more grace towards someone who is struggling (and admits that they are being precious themselves).

I'm really surprised at all the comments dismissing a first birthday. It was a few years ago now but I felt like my little ones first birthday was a real milestone and I did feel emotional about it! A lot of my friends felt the same about their children so I don't think the OP is alone in this. It was also very special to see her little face when she saw her balloons, unwrapped her present and had her first piece of birthday cake.

That being said we did share the day with family and it was very special for everyone involved. I don't think there's a way of getting your in laws to leave OP, at least not without seeming rude, but maybe you can just get an early night on the Friday night and say you're tired etc and want to be rested for the party. Just to give yourself a bit of space with your own feelings and emotions xx

I think you've taken the advice in this thread really well op and you seem reflective and empathetic. I know from experience that when you have a premature/very sick baby, that first year feels huge and getting to that first birthday brings up a lot of emotions.I felt exactly the same way. I would try and have a couple of gentle days before your in-laws arrive to process all the emotions. If you are able to share with your husband/ partner or a vlose friend how you feel that may help. I found that not only did I feel emotional about reaching that milestone (we didn't think my child would) but first birthdays also bring up memories and emotions from traumatic births etc too. Add into that the fact you have sadly also had a stillbirth, it is hardly surprising that you are pre-empting feeling emotional. Part of motherhood is that we grow with our babies and sometimes our journeys as Mums are really difficult. Sounds like yours has been tough, go gentle on yourself.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Where is your DH/partner in this? Why isn't he telling her to back off?

Have you considered getting support from the charity Sands? Perhaps have a little annual commemorative nice activity every year for your son. Doesn't need to be on his birthday if you want to separate the two. That way he has his own day, just like your daughter.

And celebrate your daughter a weekend later in a way that doesn't involve anyone beyond you, your partner and your child.

I'm sorry but you're being a bit silly and emotional about the first birthday and the party. Why do you even need to do the decorations the day beforehand anyway. Do they by any chance involve a tonne of balloons...

Baby will not look at them with any more appreciation than when they see a bird fly past the window. Calm down, chill out and destress.

MIL sounds annoying but you will have to learn to ignore the well meaning advice, smile and nod, and change subject. But if someone is visiting you to do childcare then no you cant kick them out of the house for several hours for some peace. This situation has only arisen because you are making such a big deal over the party.

Having read all your posts, your important days with your daughter are the other 364 days of the year. Birthdays and Christmas often don’t go to plan as we’re all out of routine especially young children and there’s so much going on they often get overwhelmed. Your special memories are the everyday moments, their laughter as you push them on the swings, the cuddles first thing in the morning, their little faces when they show you something or tell you they love you. These are the things that no one else can have as no one else is their mum.

Do you make a habit of calling a bereaved parent silly and emotional, or is today just a special day for you to dish out needless insults?

Where is your partner in this?
Is he standing by while she criticises you?
That does not help your MH to feel so criticised.
You have been through an absolutely horrendous time.
I'm so sorry.

Can you tell her it's really important to you to have some nice photos of you, dh & dd with her seeing the decs, opening presents & doing the cake. So you'd appreciate it if she could be photographer for the day as you will obviously have your hands full & want to be in the photos. (This also prevents her grabbing dd away from you during those moments). You can also set her up for some photos with dd - maybe playing with the present from her. Do it all from your phone or an actual digital camera .(possibly better resolution) so she doesn't refuse to send them through.
If she/you takes some really good ones you could send them off to one of those picture companies that blow them up onto a canvas or do a special collage thing. Christmas present sorted!

Hopefully, if you had bothered to read all of OP's posts, you would be less judgemental. OP has said

'This baby was born early, after a high-risk pregnancy and a previous stillbirth. I developed severe PPA and PPD requiring a lot of perinatal MH intervention. I think I have developed a preoccupation with 'making the most of every minute/milestone' because there were so many times I didn't think I'd make it here. Throughout the whole journey I've felt unsupported by ILs (who are only interested in baby) and then constantly criticised for not involving them enough when I take a step back. (In fact I don't need them to babysit on Friday at all but they have insisted bc they feel they don't have enough alone time with her).'

I feel you are being unreasonable and selfish!

I would also want that time alone OP. If the party is Saturday PM, is there any reason they can’t just come for that and stay over and then you have the morning free to yourselves. This is assuming baby’s birthday is actually on Saturday. Really your DH needs to deal with this and I hope he will. Happy 1st birthday to your baby!