AIBU to want quiet time without MIL before my baby's first birthday?

Yes the baby grabbing thing just practice a really kind Ms Rachel voice “ahh not right now, maybe later ok”

Do you really need the babysitting on the Friday? I’d cancel that and just have them come up on the day (and stay over after if it’s too far to drive back)

I speak from a similar experience with lack of boundaries etc with ILs but them also helping us so it’s tricky!! I’ve had to accept that if I ask for help I can’t control other things - so sometimes not asking for help is easier at times.

I think you just need to go with it on Friday and Saturday and try not to let her get to you. And plan to enjoy your quiet time later. It's only 2 days (some of which they are helping you by babysitting) and it really is only a date when all is said and done. You can reflect on the year and how far you have come the next day.

You’re being massively unreasonable. You want her to drive 4 hours so she has babysit for you to do chores then do what so you can have ‘quiet’ time (whatever that is?!) sit in a hotel on her own presumably and then come back for the party. Come on @anxious123456thats really not fair.

you’re making this into something it isn’t. Have the ‘quiet time’ on the Sunday. Be grateful that she cares and wants to be involved unlike one of my parents who could not give a fuck.

Are they staying with you? If not it's easy, just get up really early. If they are, you'll just have to manage.

If she is a baby-grabber just don't let her take her out of your arms!

I totally understand how you feel and wanting space to be the mum but I'm afraid you shouldn't have invited them if you feel that way. It would be unreasonable to try to exclude her having invited her and used her to babysit.

So she os good enough to baby sit for you but when you don't require her service she needs to be gone? It's a first birthday not a royal wedding

You know you’re being unreasonable. She’s doing you a favour by babysitting, she’s a guest in your home, you can’t ask her to leave for some of it.

Fwiw one of my DC’s first birthday was at the start of the first lockdown, it was a pile of utter shit. All plans cancelled, money lost, I couldn’t find some of the gifts we’d bought as everyone was so bloody stressed, I can’t even remember if there was cake and I always bake. But I look back at photos of her in her pretty dress, largely oblivious to the world going mad, and I know she had a nice day and still likes some of the books she got.

I’m sorry, but you are expecting too much from the day and setting yourself up for disappointment.

Its a baby who will be completely unaware. You are building it up to something it isnt. If you have more children, trust me, the birthdays all morph into nothing.

I think I would schedule in a different day- you are going to feel a bit stressed on the day of the party anyway. Better to take stock once it’s over. Could you plan to take her somewhere special or even for a picnic near the hospital she was born in? Take a cake, dress her up, take some photos or get someone to take photos of the two of you?

or you could schedule an actual first birthday photo shoot etc

honestly - a 12 month old is not going to give a stuff about the presents. They may be interested in opening a couple but then will become overwhelmed and not want to open any more. First birthdays are all about the mother really, no-one else cares.
Could your DH take his mum/parents out for brunch after opening presents for an hour or two to give you quiet time with the baby?

To be honest, she’s 1 year old - the decorations won’t enchant her as much as they do you/an older child. She may barely glance at them before something else catches her eye! Look forward to your calm, connected day after the party frenzy…

You can’t invite someone to stay to babysit and attend a baby’s party and then require them to get out of the house for several hours the day of the party because you find them annoying, no.

Are you a bit overly hung up on your child’s first birthday as some kind of big milestone that requires you to have ‘quiet time’? Just do it the day before or next day? Your baby will still turn one.

And I wouldn’t expect too much from your baby’s expression when seeing decorations, either.

Is she staying in a hotel and you want her to come to your house on the Friday, look after your baby while you do chores. Then ask her to return to the hotel late afternoon and stay away until the party begins the next day? Having driven 4 hours to get there.

I think she would have to think the absolute world of you to do that.

You’re building this up into something momentous and significant. It doesn’t need to be. It’s only a first birthday. I personally think having a birthday party for a baby is completely bonkers, but I accept that some people want to. But if it’s going to make you stressed or anxious, maybe rethink it.

I don't think you can send them off unfortunately. I do think you're building up the occasion a lot, anticipating the look on your baby's face etc. Could you think less about the immediate birthday and more about the month around it as a milestone? Sounds like it's been tough as well as very special. Perhaps flip the story in your mind to gratitude she's here, that you're coping and enjoying her, that lots of people love her etc. Try to take pressure off the day and your MIL will be less annoying. Also have a few calm phrases to shut down her most ridiculous behaviour.

Just enjoy some quiet time on the Sunday, decorations will still be up.

You can't invite her to babysit and to a party and then expect her to not be there.