AIBU to want quiet time without MIL before my baby's first birthday?

Exactly. My grand daughter is 1 in a few weeks, I doubt if my daughter will put up decorations as such, and if she does the baby will probably look a bit baffled for a minute then try to eat them!

The old adage that at that age they’re more interested in the box than the actual present is probably true !

You can't have it both ways unfortunately.

If you want quiet time, it's fine to ask them not to come before the day of the party. But then you can't ask them to babysit.

And if they are helping you out, no you can't tell them to disappear the evening before. As tempted and as reasonable it might be to want them to 😂

quiet time with my baby to sit with that... and to see her face when she sees the decorations in the morning she won't really care at that age, but why don't you just hide half her presents, and open them the day after the party when it's just the 2 of you. You'll then have your moment.

I personally don’t think YABU but it would be very rude to have them look after your daughter on Friday then go stay somewhere else and come back for the party. In hindsight you should have thought this through before asking for childcare on the Friday. Next year just invite for the party and then they won’t be there for the birthday morning.

Could you have a special morning with your daughter doing presents etc on the Friday morning before they arrive? I know it’s not her actual bday but your 1 year old won’t have a clue anyway. At least you get the time to do it without MIL there overbearing!

Or could you ask one of your DH siblings to invite MIL out for dinner and to stay over the Friday night so that she isn’t with you but it’s also not like you’ve told her she isn’t there.

You should definitely congratulate yourself on making it through a difficult year! But do it the day before or the next day, when there are fewer people around, and emotions are running less high. And there's definitely a place for maintaining your own emotional boundaries around IL criticism -- you should feel free to say 'Well, this is how we're doing it, Helen.' I don't think expecting support from them sounds realistic in the circumstances.

Making it to 1 absolutely is momentous and you should be proud! Rather than framing it around the baby (who, as other have said, will mostly be oblivious!), maybe take a bit of time with your husband! On the Friday, while MIL is babysitting, can you sack off the chores for an hour and go for lunch? Have a glass of fizz and congratulate each other for one whole year of being parents ☺️

That’s a very mature and reasonable response. Well done you for recognising that you might be being a bit unreasonable. I wish you a very happy weekend and hope it all goes well for you. All the best. ❤️

Put the decorations up the day before, so that you can enjoy her reaction privately. Also the decorations will be as you want them to be!!

YABU and you know this but it’s ok to feel like you do but yes, you do have to suck it up and find a way to enjoy it. She loves your baby and that’s a really good thing. You will always get stories of grannies and grandads who are not interested so here’s mine - for my son’s 1st birthday my parents posted him a card. They live 3 miles out of our small town and would have had to have driven to the post box about 200m from my door to post it! And we actually get on pretty well believe it or not! People are weird, overstepping (or understepping!) etc just try and take everything in good faith where there is no malice intended by them and your life will be easier x

What quiet time do you need with a baby ? i am not trying to be obnoxious or anything but you have invited the grandparents to the party and babysit but you have conditions? You are not worrying about your unhappy overbearing mother in law when she is babysitting so you can get on with the preparations.

Are they staying with you or in a hotel?

If in a hotel, absolutely reasonable to ask PIL
not to come until the party starts.

I completely understand your feelings but I think YABU. You need to separate your feelings towards MIL and how MIL feels about your child. It sounds like, as overbearing as she is, she loves your DD.

You can never have too many people who love your children.

I live with 2 adults who are just as overbearing and love to tell me what my child likes and dislikes but it comes from a place of love.

I also believe in letting them figure it out between themselves so if someone says DD loves X but she doesn't actually, let them manage the consequences without stepping in unless safety is compromised.

She lives 4 hours away so it isn't going to be so regular. She just wants to be involved.

Aim to take one photo which will make you happy to look back on. On their 1st birthday we have a lovely photo of DT’s so happy playing with a cardboard box. They ignored the presents and decorations but the grin on their faces when they could crawl into the box was priceless.

Can you not go out for a quiet drink with DH the night before and leave MIL to babysit?

I think it is a milestone day and it’s a big year to reflect back on however your baby won’t know that. You also can’t chuck MIL out. Put the decorations up a couple of days before have that moment for her to come downstairs in the morning to see them, open a present take pictures have your time it really doesn’t matter what day it is. Then when MIL is there you have had your time and you can let her enjoy it and relax as she hasn’t interrupted your time.

YABU

my parents and my in laws are over bearing so we just crack on and prep things ourselves, we don’t ask them for help as we know we wouldn’t want them to linger and I realise that would be unfair

it’s fine to not want to have them around so much but you can’t have it both ways!

This is about you and your feelings

as as an adult you can have a quiet special time with baby to celebrate how far you have come anytime - it doesn’t have to be her birthday - what about the day you brought her home from hospital ? I still remeber that vividly/ the sudden feeling of “oh hec , it’s down to me now “

And I wouldn’t expect too much from your baby’s expression when seeing decorations, either.

The baby absolutely won't notice.

Definitely building it up too much. I was the same and was very underwhelmed on my dd's first birthday because they just don't give a shit at that age 😂 it was just like any other day! She wouldn't even try her birthday cake.

You will look back in years to come and realise just how precious you were .

It's just another day for your baby, remember. They'll need their feeds, naps, bathtime and everything else they have as a baby.

Accept the help from the MIL but politely remind her its still just another day for the baby.

Just a reminder that babies do not care about or remember anything about their first birthday. We threw a huge bash for our son’s first birthday, utterly ridiculous and in hindsight was completely pointless. Therefore, you can have your quiet time anytime before or after the party or weekend, it doesn’t matter when.
I would be thankful for having a mother in law no matter how annoying, DHs mum was diagnosed with early dementia the same time we had our first born and she couldn’t even hold the baby. She once tried to feed him but unscrewed the lid of the bottle and poured it on herself. She went into a care home shortly after and then it was us visiting and helping her even though she had no idea who we were. No matter how annoying, you have an extra person who is alive, loves your child and has the ability to help out. I would have loved an annoying overbearing MIL who wants pictures and to hold the baby. Someone else you loved and cared for your child is another person in this world looking out for them.

Agree with this poster!

It sounds like you have a busy day the day before. After you wake up with baby, sing happy birthday and do breakfast, why not suggest DH takes his parents out for a walk with baby in pram. You can chill a bit, go for an appointment/ gym / swim whatever you like to do to relax. Honestly the 1st birthday to me is more of a milestone of “well done, mum, you did it!” Baby doesn’t have a clue.

For ours we did a couple of presents, baby soft play then took ourselves for a slap up lunch to celebrate while baby was conked out in pram!

I have a slightly different take to others.

I found 1st birthday quite a difficult day. Mainly because my birth was terrifying and I had a lot of unresolved sadness and frankly anger at how poorly I was treated, not taken seriously etc.

Took me completely by surprise! I thought I was so over all that months ago. So if it is for something like that, I'd just explain. Maybe take yourself off for a quiet coffee or walk.

You can't tell MIL to go out, but maybe your husband could take them out to brunch or the park?

This - I think the whole ‘first birthday’ thing is a little bizarre if it involves a 4 hour trip to join. Baby has no idea - this is about the adults, not the baby, and for baby it is just another day.

I’d call off the ‘party’ and the visit and dial it back.