AIBU to want quiet time without MIL before my baby's first birthday?

Having read all your posts, your important days with your daughter are the other 364 days of the year. Birthdays and Christmas often don’t go to plan as we’re all out of routine especially young children and there’s so much going on they often get overwhelmed. Your special memories are the everyday moments, their laughter as you push them on the swings, the cuddles first thing in the morning, their little faces when they show you something or tell you they love you. These are the things that no one else can have as no one else is their mum.

I'm sorry but you're being a bit silly and emotional about the first birthday and the party. Why do you even need to do the decorations the day beforehand anyway. Do they by any chance involve a tonne of balloons...

Baby will not look at them with any more appreciation than when they see a bird fly past the window. Calm down, chill out and destress.

MIL sounds annoying but you will have to learn to ignore the well meaning advice, smile and nod, and change subject. But if someone is visiting you to do childcare then no you cant kick them out of the house for several hours for some peace. This situation has only arisen because you are making such a big deal over the party.

Have you considered getting support from the charity Sands? Perhaps have a little annual commemorative nice activity every year for your son. Doesn't need to be on his birthday if you want to separate the two. That way he has his own day, just like your daughter.

And celebrate your daughter a weekend later in a way that doesn't involve anyone beyond you, your partner and your child.

Where is your DH/partner in this? Why isn't he telling her to back off?

I think you've taken the advice in this thread really well op and you seem reflective and empathetic. I know from experience that when you have a premature/very sick baby, that first year feels huge and getting to that first birthday brings up a lot of emotions.I felt exactly the same way. I would try and have a couple of gentle days before your in-laws arrive to process all the emotions. If you are able to share with your husband/ partner or a vlose friend how you feel that may help. I found that not only did I feel emotional about reaching that milestone (we didn't think my child would) but first birthdays also bring up memories and emotions from traumatic births etc too. Add into that the fact you have sadly also had a stillbirth, it is hardly surprising that you are pre-empting feeling emotional. Part of motherhood is that we grow with our babies and sometimes our journeys as Mums are really difficult. Sounds like yours has been tough, go gentle on yourself.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I'm really surprised at all the comments dismissing a first birthday. It was a few years ago now but I felt like my little ones first birthday was a real milestone and I did feel emotional about it! A lot of my friends felt the same about their children so I don't think the OP is alone in this. It was also very special to see her little face when she saw her balloons, unwrapped her present and had her first piece of birthday cake.

That being said we did share the day with family and it was very special for everyone involved. I don't think there's a way of getting your in laws to leave OP, at least not without seeming rude, but maybe you can just get an early night on the Friday night and say you're tired etc and want to be rested for the party. Just to give yourself a bit of space with your own feelings and emotions xx

I assume you haven't read OPs update.

GPs asked to look after the baby.
And reflecting making it to a year after a previous still birth is pretty understandable. I think calling that "self indulgent" is really harsh.

Perhaps you have lost a child, but even if you managed it perfectly, I think you could spare a tad more grace towards someone who is struggling (and admits that they are being precious themselves).

It's not unreasonable to want time with your child but the visit's already been planned so it would be unreasonable to ask them to skedaddle for you to have that more intimate morning.

Your child won't have a clue and won't remember this moment. You have and will have plenty of one on one special moments. You can't have a quiet birthday morning because you have visitors, regardless of who they are or what your relationship with them is.

As they get older there'll be all sorts of birthday changes and flexibility so don't get to hung up on it. One of mine was on a school trip for his 11th, another was on a scout camp for his 13th, there are still so many ways to make it special and exciting and for them to know they're loved.

Babies don't even remember their first birthday. My youngest's first birthday was very quiet but pretty shitty because he had chicken pox so couldn't see anyone at all. I've got a few Covid baby mates and they had very quiet lonely first birthdays too. Embrace the chaos, celebrate the madness.

You can have a special quieter, one on one "yay I made it to a year as a mum" day the following week.

p.s. please do tell you MIL at some point that you're the mum and you know what you're doing. Say it calmly and clearly and kindly. I've ended up snapping out something similar recently and wished I'd raised it earlier.

I agree that your expectations about reactions etc aren't likely to be fulfilled in terms of decorations etc.

However I don't know why people are being snotty about enjoying some quiet family time with your baby.

I took my baby out the day after his first birthday, and there was no prepping party food, no topping up glasses etc. Just me and him, it was lovely. But if you've chosen to have a party, then have the party and choose some quiet time separately to that.

I can't agree more - all time of OP should be alone-time with her baby and her husband. Away with intrusive grandparents!

Big hugs and also it shows how strong you are to be able to take the comments on board. I’m afraid I am another of the opinion that your original post is a bit unreasonable. It’s a special day a first birthday (well all of them) but it’s more for the adults. The birthday child is pretty oblivious truth be told could be celebrated any day and they still wouldn’t know 🙈😂. I would treat it in your head as a family day for all to celebrate and then maybe organise a day out with just you lot after they’ve gone home to make more memories. You are not wrong to feel the way you are feeling and have a desire to have some alone time they are your feelings but think sadly it’s not doable or fair on the grandparents that have travelled.

it will be a lovely day, won’t be exactly how you imagine they never are. I’m like that every Christmas build up seeing their happy faces in the morning opening presents and how amazing the day will be after months of stress buying and wrapping and cooking the glorified Sunday roast and it’s never how I pictured it 🙈😂 xx

What is ridiculous about a first birthday party ? I mean it is obviously for the parents,family and friends the baby doesn't care, but it is hardly "ridiculous"

100% this.

Please tell me what is sad and embarrassing about having a party for a baby's birthday?

YA absolutely NBU but you will have to suck it up, OP. I've been there and felt that and did not suck it up, and caused a lot of unnecessary hurt and bad feeling by doing so.

Only my first child had a first birthday party because after that I realised how ridiculous they were.

So ... you are happy to invite her to look after your child when it suits you but then want them to bugger off while you have "quiet time"!

I am sure you know you are being unreasonable. It's been such a difficult/magical/transformative year and I just would like some quiet time with my baby to sit with that - honestly that feels really self-indulgent - just go with the flow. Your child is part of a family, some of whom you will get on better with than others. That's just a fact of life.

Yes j appreciate that after reading the Ops update but I do think the op.needs to manage her expectations, which tbf she realises, i also think how she speaks about the grandmother is really disrespectful regardless of why she is babysitting.

An unhappy empty nester.let's see how the op feels in 20 odd years time!

This is such a wise post!

OP, just take a deep breath, big smile and re-read this posters comment if you’re struggling! It echoes a little, what happened to us.

My Ddad was a bit over-bearing with my DS, ( only grandchild) absolutely loved him to bits, spoilt him, took him out and about and they were so happy messing about getting mucky together but sadly Dad had a stroke out of the blue, aged 66 and it started his mental and physical decline. DS helped him so much and showed great patience. Luckily DS, aged now 41, has some superb memories of the mischief they got up to when Dad was well.
We never know what each day will bring.
Hope your birthday celebrations go well. MIL lives far enough away as to not be a regular PITA, so you know it’s not for long! 🌺

I don't think you're being reasonable. It's only a date, not an event. Your baby will be entirely unaware of everything, decorations and presents included.

I have no recollection of DC2's first birthday and I only remember DC1's because we were at a family party for DH's grandma whose birthday is the day before.

Could your husband take his parents out to dinner ans an thank you and leave you and baby to relax?

I understand how you feel. Is it possible to take your child into your bedroom on Saturday morning and have a quiet hour with them before you get up and see your in laws?

I'm actually more inclined to think, unless she's actually staying at your house in which case it's unavoidable, then that tranquil morning before birthday party fun is a lovely thing. I had that with my son and it was lovely. We had the night before too and could sit and look at his decorations and presents, and chat about him and what we'd done in that year, how far we'd come etc. We didnt really plan or curate that peaceful time, it just happened as my parents were staying in a hotel nearby. It was lovely.

So if your mil is in a hotel or staying elsewhere then its perfectly reasonable to say goodbye Friday evening and see you Saturday at x time. If she's a house guest then of course not possible. And it's not irrelevant that your in laws behaviour probably contributed to ppd, I mean can't they read the room? Just because your mil had an unhappy marriage, her experience doesn't trump yours! It's brilliant you've been able to recalibrate it in your mind and think of the positives, but please don't diminish your own wants and needs whilst doing that.

I do and don’t get it. I was quite emotional on my firsts, first birthday. But just making sure you are the one they wake up to in the morning and put them to sleep that night is enough. Don’t be a martyr and run after everyone on the day make sure your present and don’t be doing coffees or anything for people as part of hosting duties.