AIBU to want quiet time without MIL before my baby's first birthday?

You've invited them to stay so you can't ask them to leave on the birthday morning but do the jobs with your baby there if you don't want them to take the baby. You don't have to hand your child over. Just smile and say I'm sorry I'm not ready, thank you for the offer though.

I would accept thst if you have invited them, they're going to be there. However, I also recognise the desire for a bit of tine to just enjoy your daughter - put another day in the diary that is going to be your special day with her. You could have a day out to a farm park or something, or just keep it relaxed at home. My eldest daughter had her first birthday in lockdown and actually it was pretty great - my husband and I (and our dog) took her for a walk in the pram, went on the swings, fed the ducks, then home for tea and cake. Maybe you could block out some time to do something similar - no chores or little jobs, just having a bit of family time.

Sorry for your loss of your son. 💐

you are building this up but that’s understandable due to your history

unless really shiny or noisy I doubt dd will look at the decorations much

many say why have a party for 1 - they won’t rem etc

but I had a big party with friends and family as took 10yrs ttc to have mini blondes so wanted to celebrate and now at almost 10 dd loves looking at her party pics from a baby

can dh take our his parents for breakfast /brunch after presents so you can have an hour alone with your dd

Agree with this, there won't likely be a lot of interest from baby unfortunately

Just copying this again for the women out there who put the boot in to mums who’ve had a tough time without even having read the thread
‘I don't need them to babysit on Friday at all but they have insisted bc they feel they don't have enough alone time with her”
She DIDNT ASK THEM.

This.

You’ve been really reflective and clearly appreciative of the advice and perspectives given. With all you’ve added your rationale and thinking becomes a lot clearer. It’s reasonable to want to savour what you’ve now got whilst appreciating how difficult it has been to get here.

You’ve had an unbelievably difficult time, please realise how well you’ve come across and you should make time for those moments like you planned. Even if baby doesn’t remember you can treasure these milestones.

Think of little tasks she can do for you that will be helpful for you . That way she will feel useful and included, and you will have less to do .

The bond and love that child has from ‘overbearing’ grandparents is a far better thing to have for their first birthday than any decorations you put up on the wall. YABU and quite selfish.

I'm so sorry. The world's so unfair, people who would appreciate things don't get them, and people who complain do.

From reading the update, I don’t think OP had much choice :(

“I don't need them to babysit on Friday at all but they have insisted bc they feel they don't have enough alone time with her”

“I don't need them to babysit on Friday at all but they have insisted bc they feel they don't have enough alone time with her”

This is sad, your feelings matter too OP. Don’t let them bulldoze you all the time. Can’t they babysit some other time? Why is it you that has to shift your plan of a quiet morning?!

I'm just gonna say 1st birthdays aren't what u think they'll be with ur first it's not all smiles and happy faces from ur baby it's usually over stimulation, disregulation, being passed about by strangers (usually family but not everyday familiar faces). It's really stressful occasion (I have 3 so speak from experience I promise) I'd literally just do ur best to enjoy the day but on Sunday when it's quiet take the time to sit and enjoy ur baby's first birthday open a new toy, have a little sing along. First xmas with my last one I'd made a box of all little rattles all wrapped in crinkly paper we never opened that box till late boxing day when it was just us, I remember that moment fondly z

I do have a lot of sympathy for OP here.
I found the first year hideous (my baby was born with multiple mental and physical disabilities and needed 11 life saving operations.) And overbearing grands on one side. It was hard.
Please talk to your husband about your emotions and talk through scenarios where you mught need support, rescuing etc. ahead of time. Then he can be onside and with you.
And have a separate day for you and baby or the 3 of you.

Maybe ask Mil to take some photos, then she wont be in all of them.

Enjoy your special day Muma.

The baby will be oblivious. First birthdays are for family and friends not the baby itself. I don't see how you can keep MIL away if you've invited her to stay over.

I hope you are ok and it will be a lovely day. I have similar feelings but for different reasons.

I start to plan my children’s birthdays and Christmas months before. I think of what the plans could be and then I sit with them in my head for weeks. Because then it gives you time to realise things, like actually I don’t want them here on the morning etc. When I’m settled with it, I then invite everyone to events/parties etc, giving them lots of notice too. I don’t discuss ideas for plans with grandparents because they then suggest and I find it hard to say no. I just let them know when parties will be and don’t sway, because I need that boundary to get through celebrations.

there is a steep learning curve in becoming less precious, it’s just finding the right balance between boundaries you need, and realistic behaviour towards relatives

OMG my sister in law did something akin to this.

It was the kid’s precious birthday and her mother, who had taken a flight to see them and provided lots of childcare and general help WAS ASKED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE DURING THE LITTLE BIRTHDAY PARTY SO THEY COULD HAVE “FAMILY TIME” WITHOUT HER THERE.

You can't expect your MIL to be super useful one second, and then clear off when you don't want her around.
The child won't actually care one way or another.
Plan it better next year.

I think you should have thought bout this before you asked them to help you on the Friday

I would also want that time alone OP. If the party is Saturday PM, is there any reason they can’t just come for that and stay over and then you have the morning free to yourselves. This is assuming baby’s birthday is actually on Saturday. Really your DH needs to deal with this and I hope he will. Happy 1st birthday to your baby!

I feel you are being unreasonable and selfish!

Hopefully, if you had bothered to read all of OP's posts, you would be less judgemental. OP has said

'This baby was born early, after a high-risk pregnancy and a previous stillbirth. I developed severe PPA and PPD requiring a lot of perinatal MH intervention. I think I have developed a preoccupation with 'making the most of every minute/milestone' because there were so many times I didn't think I'd make it here. Throughout the whole journey I've felt unsupported by ILs (who are only interested in baby) and then constantly criticised for not involving them enough when I take a step back. (In fact I don't need them to babysit on Friday at all but they have insisted bc they feel they don't have enough alone time with her).'

Can you tell her it's really important to you to have some nice photos of you, dh & dd with her seeing the decs, opening presents & doing the cake. So you'd appreciate it if she could be photographer for the day as you will obviously have your hands full & want to be in the photos. (This also prevents her grabbing dd away from you during those moments). You can also set her up for some photos with dd - maybe playing with the present from her. Do it all from your phone or an actual digital camera .(possibly better resolution) so she doesn't refuse to send them through.
If she/you takes some really good ones you could send them off to one of those picture companies that blow them up onto a canvas or do a special collage thing. Christmas present sorted!

Where is your partner in this?
Is he standing by while she criticises you?
That does not help your MH to feel so criticised.
You have been through an absolutely horrendous time.
I'm so sorry.

Do you make a habit of calling a bereaved parent silly and emotional, or is today just a special day for you to dish out needless insults?