AIBU not to wake my 20-year-old for early shifts?

I voted unreasonable but i don’t think you actually are just trying to play devils advocate as a mum who also has to get her 20yo dd up for a 5am start. If i left her to her own devices she would be unemployed as has great difficulty getting up so early. Not my problem you say, or how will she ever learn??? Well i dont want her dossing about my house with not a penny to her name, so i’ll keep doing it until she moves out, whilst reminding myself that they have a different circadian rhythm to us fully fledged adults. In my defense, im perimenopausal and 4.30am is my usual night sweat wake up call so it’s no skin off my back really 😂

He's an adult. I was living independently at that age. If I hadn't dragged myself out of bed I would have lost my job and subsequently my home. 18 year olds go to uni and have to get up. Being 20 is no reason not to be able to get out of bed and out of the house independently.

7 am if an awful full-time start work????

Sounds normal to me

Obviously, the fact he doesn’t drive and has to use public transport as time to his journey

But he knew that when he accepted the job

Out of curiosity, if he could drive, what would the travelling time be?

My dad is very deaf so he wouldn’t hear normal alarms, but he does have a vibrating alarm that goes under his pillow if he has to be up

And he finds that works very well

So maybe a combination of a vibrating alarm under his pillow and then a big alarm clock maybe one of the ones with a little bell and hammer and that to be the other side of his bedroom

Thing is, if he doesn’t try to get up, he will never know so I’ll help him until a vibrating and loud alarm clock can be delivered

Then maybe for a couple days fetch your alarm at 5:20 and see if he’s up if he isn’t he can literally throw his clothes on and go and that may be a learning curve for him

My son is 18 and in an apprenticeship. He leaves for work at 5:45. He set an alarm (about 4 of them!) and gets himself up and out on time. It all about responsibility

I would (have) helped my 20 year old kids wake up. I wouldn't do it forever, but for a month or two, or for something important, then yes.

He's a grown man and should be capable of getting himself up. You've done enough getting an alarm for him.

Your sister is an idiot. It's the job of parents to help their children become independent functioning adults, not big babies who still need their mummy to get them up in the morning.

Obviously it’s his responsibility and you don’t HAVE to wake him up. Maybe if he was late once or twice it might shake him into getting up with his alarm.

When I was in the same position as your son my mum used to come in with a cup of tea for me at 5am and wake me, so although it’s not necessary I do think it’s a very sweet thing to do!

He’s 20, a grown man, if he doesn’t get up that’s his problem. My son managed to get up early when he worked at McDonalds, went to lectures at uni, now gets the train to work. It’s called growing up and having responsibility.

I also got up as was usually awake anyway...I couldn’t have lay in bed knowing he’s gonna be late

Totally different situation. OP is asking if she should be getting up in the middle of the night, knowing she won't be able to fall back asleep again. She's not laying there waiting for the son to be late, she's asleep. Sleep deprivation is really bad for our health and while someone working early shift can adjust the rest of their day, OP probably has other things to do.

I agree. My DS was 19 when he got his apprenticeship and had to be up at 5. I also got up as was usually awake anyway. It helped get him into the routine and be organised and importantly get settled into the job and become a reliable employee. He now is like clockwork, never late and has a great work ethic (unlike at school) I felt it was my role to help and guide him with this new and important stage in his life. I couldn’t have lay in bed knowing he’s gonna be late , had nothing to eat etc. Plus it’s paid off, he transfers weekly dig money without question and got a joiner on call 😂

He is an adult. Don't babysit him.

I wasn't quite understanding if he had started the job or not. Has he started the job already and you are waking him up in the morning?

Our DC is late 20s. They’re autistic/have AuDHD. Their shifts are all over the place - some days they work 5am until 14:00 other days it’s 10 until 18:30 and there are other shifts in between those too. They try so hard to get up but struggle with all the changes so I make sure I get them up (I don’t work because of disability/health issues) I honestly can’t see that they’ll be able to cope living on their own in the next few years. I’m
hoping if they get a job that’s fixed hours (9-5,
8-4 or whatever) that will make a huge difference to them and us!

This is on him. He needs to find a way of making sure he wakes up that works for him.

would be kind to help him out until he has all the alarms / body clock has adjusted - if there are not many jobs out there only kind to help him if you can in the short term

I think it’s a balance. Get him a good alarm clock instead of a phone, or get him to get one, and make sure it is set.

Maybe check with him the first couple of days, then after that he is on his own.

You shouldn’t need to, but it won’t kill you, you just go right back to sleep when you know he is up.

I am a deep sleeper and have slept through an earthquake. I have slept through phone alarms. But those alarms with the hammers on the bells placed on the other side of the room? Never managed to sleep through one of them!

He needs to get used to it. I sometimes need to get up at 4am at short notice in my job and I manage. If he loses said job he'll quickly realise finding a new job is more hassle than just getting up.

He’s 20. He can take responsibility for himself.
i was at work at 5.30am daily at his age. I had an alarm clock. I still have the same alarm clock.

No one is suggesting children are abandoned to the world at 18 but that by 20, parental guidance and support should come more in the form of conversation and supporting them to devise strategies of their own, or shared words of wisdom from your own experience etc and not doing it for them.

That’s not the attitude though is it, part of raising children is ensuring the are independent, competent adults. I’d be doing my dd a massive disservice if I didn’t teach her how to manage getting herself up and ready for work.

At 18 a lot of kids leave for uni so mum won’t be there to wake them up and make their pack lunch!!!

No one is saying that.

I have no support, help, no dh or parents to help me.. all dead. I need functioning adults living in my house (as I’m struggling a bit myself)

getting up at 4.30 to wake an 18 year old up would just about finish me off, I get 4 hours sleep a night as it is.

I cook their tea, give lifts a lot as we’re quite rural and do other little things

waking up a grown adult for a job absolutely not. I’m giving dd a lift in the mornings for work, I’m not bloody waking her up as well.

Nope no way would I be waking him up!

I spent years with a man child getting him up for shift work, I refuse to do it with our heavy sleeping dds

Dd slept like the dead, I refused to wake her, she suffered the consequence of being late a few times, she had warnings, not my problem.

I take her to work for 7 and that’s enough.

she learnt pretty quick!

I hear them but go back to sleep, unfortunately.
That's why I set it up so I have to get up to turn them off.
Also, I don't always sleep that well. So that doesn't help.

I cannot understand people who say they sleep through alarms, barring a health problem of some sort. If you get to bed at a decent hour and get enough sleep, how can you not wake from an alarm? Bizarre.

If I happened to be up anyway, I'd knock at his door, but I wouldn't intentionally wake myself hours earlier than necessary just for that purpose. That's ridiculous.