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Original poster

AIBU not to wake my 20-year-old for early shifts?

421 replies

itsmeitsyou · 23/09/2026 07:21

DS 20 has a new job. It's full time in a factory and I am very happy for him as previous work has been mainly casual bar work.

He has struggled to get up for his shifts. He needs to be up by 5am to leave at 5.30am for public transport on a weekday for a 7am start. Weekend he starts at 6! Thankfully we have good transport links and he can get there.

Problem is one of us in the house is having to wake him. I don't want to get up at 4.30am on a weekend to get him up.

My sister (has no children) has called me selfish. As when she was asking about the new job I confessed I didn't know how he would manage the 6am starts on a Saturday. She said I need to get up and get him up, it's my duty as his parent!

YABU - help him get up on weekend
YANBU - he is 20 and needs to continue to learn natural consequences

OP posts:
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EndorsingPRActice · Yesterday 10:04

my DH has left for work between 5:30 and 6am for the past 30 years. My DS is now 23 and has recently started doing the same. Perhaps I'm daft but I always get up, make sure they are getting ready, make them drinks and packed breakfasts and lunches, we chat as this goes on and then they leave and I feed the guinea pigs and get on with my own thing. We're a family, I really don't mind doing this, in fact I will miss my DS enormously when he finally moves out and gets a place of his own. We all have excellent alarm clocks.

Ahwelltoobad · Yesterday 09:55

Oh no, so sorry to hear that!
Good thing you both got up today, under these circumstances, and the close call will probably make him get up earlier next time. 🌸

anyolddinosaur · Yesterday 09:25

Sorry about the dog, that's a good long life.

In a week or two he'll be used to the early starts.

Original poster
itsmeitsyou · Yesterday 08:48

He got up - just.
He made it in - with 5mins to spare
I did get up this morning to check if he got up. I couldn't not get up and give him a nudge if he needed it this morning.
Circumstances change, we were all emotional yesterday as we sadly lost your dog. I couldn't let him go though that, and potentially lose the job also.

RIP, he left nearly 16 years of footprints on our hearts 💕

OP posts:
Ahwelltoobad · Yesterday 08:00

@itsmeitsyou Hope it went well this morning, for you both! 🌸

Sunbringer · 25/09/2026 07:59

Get him a very reliable alarm clock, make sure it’s set at night. Leave him to it.

TickedOffAndALittleFedUp · 25/09/2026 07:42

DS is a really really heavy sleeper and could literally sleep through anything. His job is non standard hours and I did make sure he was up for the first month because it takes time to adjust and his alarm wakes me anyway if it just keeps going. I want him to succeed and be independent and it's worked well, now he gets himself up and out without issue. Not sure why it's babying to help at the start. For what it's worth I also don't let DH oversleep and he's definitely a big boy.

HoraceCope · 25/09/2026 07:01

alarms i find are better at the end of the room

Genevieva · 25/09/2026 07:01

Get a cheap alarm, set it and leave it under his pillow.

MajorProcrastination · 25/09/2026 06:59

itsmeitsyou · 23/09/2026 09:16

He isn't academic
He had several interviews for an apprenticeship unfortunately he was unsuccessful. He does plan on reapplying next year for one.

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That uni question was a weird one to ask. Especially as you’ve so clearly explained he’s working.

Uni isn’t the right choice for all 18-21 year olds.

Our eldest chose to work full time instead and she’s doing a skilled job that involves a lot of practical learning, has opportunities for travel, responsibilities, it’s creative and interests here and she’s being paid well. Our middle one is doing a degree apprenticeship so he has a couple of uni days and a few days in industry so he needs to get himself to work. He’s living at home as his top choice was a local uni and he thought it was the best decision financially.

User454545454546565 · 24/09/2026 22:45

I bailed DS out a few times by giving lifts when he didn't get up on time or the bus didn't show up. He's 21 now has kept the job for three years, never asks for a lift, has learned to run his own life and earned really well from the job, so have no regrets about helping.

Longtimelurker1980 · 24/09/2026 22:14

Telecone · 23/09/2026 07:28

Yanbu. What I would do is try and make sure his wake up system (?) is bombproof and he's done the following.
Lumie wake up alarm (about £110 but a decade in, the best 110 I've ever spent).
Smart watch vibrating alarm.
Smart radio with alarm.
He knows what he's having for breakfast.
He's laid his work clothes out
Back packed and work lunch/snacks sorted.

Is he 6?

Longtimelurker1980 · 24/09/2026 22:13

itsmeitsyou · 23/09/2026 07:27

This is what I have said. I get he is struggling with his body clock as he was doing more evening/late shifts at the pub so hasn't had early starts for a long time.

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My 16 year old has a Saturday job that she has to leave for to get the bus at 710. She asked us to drive her. We said no bloody way. If you’re old enough to have a job you’re old enough to get yourself there!

Your son will learn when he gets sacked and has no income that you need to get yourself up for work. Unless you’ll let him live at home rent free anyway? In which case no lesson.

SaySomethingMan · 24/09/2026 22:10

beaglescurleduplikebagels · 24/09/2026 18:43

Then you're a fool.

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That made me laugh out loud. Glad I know I’m very far from one.
Your comment firmly makes you sound like one though.

Coconutter24 · 24/09/2026 22:04

itsmeitsyou · 23/09/2026 07:40

This is why I am thinking should I wake him after what Sis has said.

He had so many interviews with nothing and now he has landed something that he could take him far if he puts the effort in.

Then I think hes 20 if he wants it he should be showing he wants it

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Tell your sister to wake up at 5 and phone him to get him up

FlorenceLyons · 24/09/2026 21:35

I’m completely astonished by some of the comments on this thread. I don’t think I’ve woken my kids up since they started secondary school! By that point they knew what time they had to be up to get to school, and that it was their responsibility to make sure they did. I’d often left for work by then.

At 20 my daughter was living 100
miles away, driving an hour and a half each way to do twelve hours shifts on her hospital placement, and getting up at whatever time she needed to to do that. Your sister needs to wind her neck in!

OneFastPinkTraybake · 24/09/2026 21:06

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/09/2026 20:42

By public t yes but prob not once he learns to drive

and he took the job knowing the travel

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He probably didn't have much option but to take it given he was working casual shifts in a bar for two years

XigDoop · 24/09/2026 20:44

No this is part of learning how to be an adult.

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/09/2026 20:42

OneFastPinkTraybake · 24/09/2026 17:36

Well a 90 mins travel to start at 7 is a lot. I did the same for 5 years and hated it.

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By public t yes but prob not once he learns to drive

and he took the job knowing the travel

beaglescurleduplikebagels · 24/09/2026 18:43

SaySomethingMan · 24/09/2026 18:41

I’d wake him up for the first couple of months or so.

Then you're a fool.

SaySomethingMan · 24/09/2026 18:41

I’d wake him up for the first couple of months or so.

Maninasuitcase · 24/09/2026 18:34

itsmeitsyou · 23/09/2026 07:40

This is why I am thinking should I wake him after what Sis has said.

He had so many interviews with nothing and now he has landed something that he could take him far if he puts the effort in.

Then I think hes 20 if he wants it he should be showing he wants it

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If he loses the job it’s no one’s fault but his. How long do propose to keep wiping his arse?

OneFastPinkTraybake · 24/09/2026 17:36

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/09/2026 09:43

7 am if an awful full-time start work????

Sounds normal to me

Obviously, the fact he doesn’t drive and has to use public transport as time to his journey

But he knew that when he accepted the job

Out of curiosity, if he could drive, what would the travelling time be?

My dad is very deaf so he wouldn’t hear normal alarms, but he does have a vibrating alarm that goes under his pillow if he has to be up

And he finds that works very well

So maybe a combination of a vibrating alarm under his pillow and then a big alarm clock maybe one of the ones with a little bell and hammer and that to be the other side of his bedroom

Thing is, if he doesn’t try to get up, he will never know so I’ll help him until a vibrating and loud alarm clock can be delivered

Then maybe for a couple days fetch your alarm at 5:20 and see if he’s up if he isn’t he can literally throw his clothes on and go and that may be a learning curve for him

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Well a 90 mins travel to start at 7 is a lot. I did the same for 5 years and hated it.

OneFastPinkTraybake · 24/09/2026 17:35

Dfgggtt · 24/09/2026 10:12

He's an adult. I was living independently at that age. If I hadn't dragged myself out of bed I would have lost my job and subsequently my home. 18 year olds go to uni and have to get up. Being 20 is no reason not to be able to get out of bed and out of the house independently.

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Some don't go to uni. Depending on whether the uni tracks attendance some people rarely go and prioritise work over uni. The uni subs on Reddit are full of people who rarely go

ALJT · 24/09/2026 17:18

I get it from your side, but I 100% know my anxiety wouldn’t let me sleep anyway incase he slept in lol