Which child is wrong-er

Child A more wrong. They were physical first - no excuse.

Child B’s parents should be ashamed that their boy pushed a girl.

If anyone honestly had to guess which child will grow up to be problematic or aggressive…

It isn’t going to be child A who sounds like a nice kid that was being harassed.

She was quite rude and strong in her message

I guess we know where Child B gets it from....

We only have Child A’s word for it (and her somewhat biased mother’s) that the teacher doesn’t intervene.
I can’t imagine it’s true.

So far I like giving DD a whistle, and the stiff arm technique, but I bet both will be seen as precious and or disruptive. Any further suggestions?

I feel like I'd be tempted to teach her to say FUCK RIGHT OFF NOW, DOUCHEBAG, BEFORE I SCREAM.

Probably a good thing I don't have kids. I'd be a rotten mother.

I'm still interested in what Child A should have done given the teacher does not intervene. She is in a confined space with someone who refuses to hear her no. She can't leave class, she has done everything else BEFORE moving to gentle physical force...So far I like giving DD a whistle, and the stiff arm technique, but I bet both will be seen as precious and or disruptive. Any further suggestions?

B on the other hand, is being raised to believe that if he doesn't respect a no his mother will defend him for using physical force. That's also not a great lesson (understatement...I bet the mother will say "but he was such a nice boy" when he's in the docks for rape).

Nope. Major difference between my child pushed another for absolutely no reason whatsoever and my child had this happen to them and this is what happened from that.

Explaining is NOT excusing.

It's this child was being very annoying and not respecting personal space and my child reacted to this but not in a good way. "Wrong-er" is a bit of a clumsy way of putting it granted, likely because this other mum has kicked off when it has already been dealt with by school.

There's we don't hit, AND we don't ignore requests to respect personal space. She's not justified in hitting because he doesn't respect boundaries, just as he's not justified in nearly pushing her over a chair in response. This is the point where things need de-escalating and lessons learned, other mum sending personal messages sticking the boot in is not helping with that.

I'm going to go rogue and say both children were fine, it needs to be talked about and then forgotten.

Assuming OPs account is accurate

If somebody is up in your face, bothering and following you, sometimes a light shove will get the message across when words haven't.

If somebody shoves you, its not a big crime to shove them back (even if you do so harder). A light shove back would have escalated it to a shove-fest. A bigger shove ended it.

Both children need to know that bothering people and shoving people are not OK behaviours. The incident itself demonstrates what will happen if you do these things.

Job done, move on.

Child B. They were not entitled to an explanation, and were badgering child A until a reaction came. If child A was feeling bad for breaking something, it is entirely normal to not want to talk about it as that would make them feel worse and should not have had to tell child B just to shut them up.

It's a completely normal interaction and 7 year olds don't necessarily have the social skills to deal with the situation. The school dealt with it at the time, so no parent input needed. Just tell the other mum to take it up with the school.

Don't get into a tit-for-tat with the woman. Hand it all off to the teacher.

And possibly consider blocking her unless you're otherwise good pals.

Why does it matter whose behaviour was worse, you know your child didn't act appropriately, so you should focus on teaching her how to handle difficult situations.

Since child B continued to annoy her after she had explained what she was doing, then at that stage your child should have clearly told him she wanted to be alone to fix the broken item. Repeatedly answering his questions and telling him that she was trying to fix something is not the same as clearly telling him to leave her alone for a while so she could work out how to fix whatever was broken.

Teach her how to express what she wants, or doesn't want, in a clear and calm manner. She should understand that it's ok to communicate that she wants someone to back off. There isn't any need to shout or be mean about it and she certainly shouldn't use physical force.

If he still continued, then the next step would be to tell the teacher that she had asked boy B for space but he wasn't listening to her.

I totally get it.
As Child B’s mum has now escalated it to messaging you, I’d probably have a word with the teacher. She really didn’t need to do that because it was six of one and half a dozen of the other and the teacher dealt with it, just like we have to do day in and day out in school. If the other mum had a problem with your daughter then she should have spoken to the class teacher. What was the tone of her message?

Hmm. I think I'd be firmly telling my kid off if they were either A or B in this situation to be honest.

I teach my kids that they are allowed to physically defend themselves, as a last resort - and that threatening behaviour is one of the things they're allowed to defend themselves against. It doesn't matter if the other person is not physically hurting them at the time - if they believe they are about to, they can defend themselves.

So I guess part of the question is whether your daughter felt physically threatened by this boy. From your description I think she didn't, just annoyed. That's understandable but that's not something you need to physically defend yourself against.

The other issue is the last resort part - she missed out a whole bunch of steps before she went straight to the physical part. You need to teach her about anger management and de-escalation techniques designed for children - e.g. first step might be "I would like some space, please take a step back" etc, progressing to "back off, leave me alone" in a louder and more assertive voice etc.

At the same time, if I were B's mother, I'd be unimpressed about the baiting and not leaving her alone. It obviously depends what was said - e.g. did the boy actually know he was annoying her? It might seem obvious to adults but 7yos are not always great at reading the room. I'd be working on that with him, and also reiterating what I've always told my kids also about getting in someone's face - you're going to get a retaliation. I'm not saying that's always right or okay, but I tell my kids about the way things are, not just how I'd like it to be!

I'm on the fence about the pushing back. I was always taught that if someone hits you, you hit them back harder! I don't teach my kids that (I take the self defence approach as I said), but I understand parents who do. So I'm not sure I could claim the moral high ground if my kid was the one who got aggressive first.

So, fault on both sides, learning to be done on both sides 🤷🏻‍♀️ as you'd expect, with kids! Hope your daughter is okay now - and the keyring is fixed!

Then child A should speak to an adult in the class. If that doesn’t resolve things then Child A’s parents should have a word with the class teacher about it. That’s obvious surely?

What about repeated patterns of B not respecting boundaries?

She is literally trying to justify that one child pushing is better than one being annoying.
No way does that type of parent believe that when it's their child that was pushed first.

As she’s now found out for herself 🤷🏻‍♀️
Hopefully she’s learnt her lesson not to put hands on anyone.

I wonder if we could do a poll of the "boy moms" here....

B must learn to stop when someone says no. A needs a referee whistle to blow at boundary disrespecting annoying kids

The boy needs to be able to read if someone is pissed off and learn to back away.

Being annoying does have consequences - even as an adult.

I'd be telling my daughter that the boy is rubbish at knowing when to stop bugging people. That not all people learn or get stuff as quick as others. So she has to block out the noise. Try and resolve but then see the teacher / TA.

I do wish people would stop with this accusations of OP justifying her daughters behaviour, like she's some little thug being encouraged by mum to hit. OP has clearly stated they've told their daughter we don't hit, it's wrong to hit.

Unfortunately these are children and they aren't always going to be perfect and express their feelings in the right way when frustration, upset and anger decend. Adrenarche also comes on about this stage too, pre teen hormones in the mix! None of that excuses it (before you all start on me!) but this incident didn't come out of nowhere did it - it's how they go forward now.

When you've ballsed something up and are upset about it, the last thing you want is someone right in your face having a nosey, drawing everyones attention to your cock up and who won't leave you alone, despite you trying to move away.

It's not just about bollocking the OPs daughter for hitting, that doesn't address what to do when things like this happen again, and it will, kids can be nosey parkers with no regard for personal space. So for OPs daughter it's speaking loud and clear "leave me alone", as moving away doesn't work with this kid.

Louder and clearer each time (assertive not screaming), until he either gets the message or the teacher is alerted to what's going on. He also needs a chat though, about when our friends have asked for some alone time we respect that and don't keep on at them.

Teach boys to respect girls' boundaries.