To beg for help or advice with my 8 year old?

I think you need to call the ERIC helpline and get advice there. They were very supportive to me when my child had constipation issues.
You may need to keep him off from school to sort out his disimpaction. He’s maybe too embarrassed using everything at school. My child hates using the school/public toilets. You probably need to help him with cleaning himself until he’s competent at doing it by himself.

He may have autism. I’m surprised the teachers haven’t said anything to you if they suspect it but you’ll have to push for an assessment. However, whilst you’re waiting for that to be done, you still need to find the correct support for him & sort out this poo problem.

I'm really sorry to suggest this, but is there any possibility he's been a victim of SA?

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I would speak to your GP and ask for a referral to child psychology. There's a lot going on here and it sounds like you and he both need some support!

Is there a disabled toilet he can use at school? Do they have an intimate care policy? Maybe he needs pull ups at school til it’s sorted. Is he on Movicol?
I’d make an appointment with the SENCO and discuss all his needs and a way forward. This needs unpicking before secondary school.

This sounds very challenging for you all. Does your son have any other signs of autism? What is his diet like? Has he ever not had these accidents?

I had aimilar with my DS. He’s 11 now and things are good but it took a long time to get here. He was tricky to toilet train and was wearing pull up at night until year 5 at school. He was saturated with urine so I was patiently waiting for his hormones to settle etc , for the urine to then get concentrated, but that never happened. He struggled with constipation through avoiding to go and possibly not drinking enough. He had accidents at school and we picked up him at times as he was dirty. And then because he was constipated, he had urine accidents. It was so stressful and I felt guilty a lot.

anyway, after an embarrassing time on a school trip , sleepovers, someone mentioned an alarm overnight to wake him. I thought it was a load of rubbish, but paid to get one. Best thing ever!! Dry within 2 nights and no more problems during the day.

This sounds very similar to my son - similar age too. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and the immaturity, lack of self control, temper etc have all been much better since the medication. We also give him sachets of laxido 2 - 3 times a week which helps keep motions normal. It’s meant we’ve reduced the times he’s wiped poo on the carpet, walls etc. My son also can’t explain why he has done that.
My GP has him on laxido long term - are you just treating the initial impaction and then stopping? We were told specifically not to stop and to keep him on it for the foreseeable future.

Sounds like something neurodivergent eg adhd or asd. I hope you find a way forward. Schools are useless

Read raising a sensory smart child. It sounds like your son has sensory issues causing him distress. Eg: the shower reluctance. The meltdowns in school. Try to find out what triggers him, is it noise, smells, clothes etc?

Have this conversation with him and then meet with the senco and come up with a plan to support him. There needs to be more done here to meet his needs. Does he need to be taken to the toilet at regular intervals during school day? Does he need ear defenders and time in a sensory room or in a quiet space?

Ask for a referral to neurodevelopment assessment. Start now, it takes forever.

look up strategies to support with aversion to showering. There is a thing called a social story you can read to children to help with this. Ask senco.

look for toileting visuals on Amazon or twinkl. Or ask senco. Ask for social stories relating to poo.

All the best. You can do it. Keep at them

I echo all of the above including the phone line. Consider speaking to an Occupational Therapist too. You have my sympathies, OP. Take care of yourself.

My son was exactly like this. I got told to try the pooper bioray drops
https://naturesfix.co.uk/product/kids-ndf-pooper-2-fl-oz-mango-flavour-bioray/?source=aw&utm_source=awin&utm_medium=affiliates&aw_affid=259955&awc=101927_1790118075_17e54c992f323cd5d288726a919e0bf1

honestly thought it won’t work nothing had we had tried it all suppositories lactolouse movicol senekot everything the gp could give. Used these for three days and never looked back has never had any problem since. Have recommend to a few parents and have also helped three children.

Does he still need the 3 sachets of laxido a day as maintenance if you’ve done the disimpaction?
If he’s getting a good diet does he need that much? I’m not a medic - my child of similar age was advised 1/2 to 1 sachet as maintenance but we don’t always give it but monitor them using the bristol stool chart. That’s assuming it’s the liquidy poos that are causing the most distress for him.

My DD18 has ASD and has bowel problems. Often autistic people have greater sensitivities to things and insensitivities too. My DD still has issues but as a child she would have constipation and them a rush of liquify poop would come through the sides of the blocked poop, and it’s difficult to stop as it’s so quick. I think you should speak to your GP/ school about what the current route is for diagnosis. Have you also considered PDA?
https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/

No exact advice but my just turned 8 year old poos in the shower and will often wipe poo on the bathroom wall and deny it. We've caught him out a few times and he's eventually admitted it but isn't sure why he does it - we suspect he's autistic and awaiting assessment. We think its a sensory issue.

You say he's behind emotionally - could some kind of reward chart be of any help? When mine was a little younger he would hold his poo or would do it in his pants and deny it until we demanded to check - we ended up using a reward type chart to get him to use the toilet.

Definitely need to look at referral for a neurodevelopmental assessment. Your GP can advise on this, possibly school SENCo?

There are more than the 5 senses we learn about at school - one lesser known sense is called interoception, which is awareness of bodily signals which includes things like toileting needs, hunger, illness, emotions - this can work differently in individuals with ASD or ADHD or other sensory processing differences.

Kelly Mahler is an OT who has done a lot of work in this area.

I would also recommend the book Big Baffling Behaviours by Robyn Gobbel as this has a really good explanation of how children move through different states of dysregulation which can explain the sudden meltdowns and difficult behaviour at school. Stuart Shanker's Self-Reg is also really helpful for understanding this.

What even is this? The website doesnt even list ingredients, let alone nutritional info.

It sounds like he has some sensory issues. Doesn't necessarily mean autism but it could be, regardless of diagnosis he needs support. Are the continence team involved? School nurses can do referrals in my area, they can also refer to other professionals. An OT assessment may be useful. I don't know any child who's been referred to OT without parents asking, some areas don't even have OTs for sensory assessments so you may need to go private. I think most will support with toilet needs but if they're not trained in sensory needs they may not be able to fully address his needs.