To worry about DS future because of this

Just came on here to add I too would find a local group for parents of SEND children, plus ask school for help. They may not have a clue what they are doing but they are the first step to unlocking other support for parents & children. It won’t just be your parenting. It’s very easy to blame parents or mums tho.

also if he is autistic he might benefit from specific sensory activities which you might need help to identify - some make no sense but make a huge impact. E.g. ds used to swing on his chair all the time - gym/physio band round the front legs of the chair - chair stays still

I hope you find some support

I'm a primary school SENCO. Ask to have a chat. Unless you get a strange one, us SENCOs genuinely care, have heard it all before and really do want to support you.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I have also experienced similar with my son. He struggles with emotional/social interactions and we deferred him for a year so he started school at 5 and a half (we're in Scotland). He used to misbehave at nursery sometimes and hit other children, but we discovered that the staff there were shouting at him a lot, which made it so much worse. After a staff turnaround he got on so much better, and now at school there have been no issues with behaviour.

Things have improved a lot as he has gotten older but he still has his moments. My DS also mentions killing, but he says it out of frustration when he wants to say something to upset me. He has also hit me on a few occasions when he gets angry. We found that taking away TV time when he did any of these was enough to change his behaviour. We also discovered that usually it was because he was just wanting some connection with us, so we try to make sure we spend 1 on 1 time with him when we can, as he has a younger sibling.

We are still working through it, but as his communication and understanding of social/emotional regulation has developed, things have gotten slightly easier.

Please don't be hard on yourself. It's really tough!

Sounds similar to my DS who has just been diagnosed with autism. He needs a completely different approach to his older sister who responds to traditional patenting. DS is in another league, but the autism diagnosis makes sense.

I’d definitely look at doing a course such as Incredible Years or Triple P if you can. It would be good to have a clear set of strategies to deal with the behaviour as it sounds pretty full on for a 4 yo.

Contact gp and discuss with them

Check out incredible years programme they have a book too

amzn.eu/d/09kmeEHo

How much screen time does he get and what’s he watching? I’d be saying to him, that if he spits at you that’s a dealbreaker and he automatically loses privileges for screens and any form of treat.

You then get a reward chart and until you see a few days in a row where he’s not behaved that way he doesn’t get those things back. Instead of being something he can lose, they’re something he has to earn.

I’d see how he gets on with that for a couple of weeks. If it doesn’t improve after that id definitely be seeking support.

He sounds to be like a very tired little boy who needs to know who is boss in your home.

She does not want him to be judged at school ( where he behaves well) for what he behaves like at home. A perfectly reasonable concern

Op, I'm.not sure I'd spend too much time asking the school for help. If he is fine in school they won't be able to do much.

Family or play therapy might help if you can afford it. A really good book that I found helpful when DS was young is called

Playful Parenting by Lawrence J Cohen

amzn.eu/d/0hIA3nNc

You really need to improve your relationship with your child and that is hard to do when their behaviour is very extreme. That book had loads of brilliant ideas.

I know it's common for people to jump straight to autism with things like this but my now 9 year old was the same from around 2/3 years and he is autistic. He went to nursery obsessed with knives and killing and anything morbid. it was a special interest. he would lash out at any sensory thing that over whelmed or anything that challenged him that he felt he couldn't do like socks/zips/buttons. he is mellow now and doesn't hit me anymore..he did hit out at school until around year 2 and quickly learned if he hits someone they may hit back! (other children not me of course) he stil has his moments but it was just that he needed lost of reassurance and to know what's happening well in advance so he could get used to things and not have anything unpredictable. I really HTH.

I have a child a very similar age, albeit a girl, but have also worked with many his age too in my job.
Doesn't sound normal to me (and my girl isn't a calm or easy kid!)
If the behaviours are only at home then either the explanation might be something at home, or it might be he is holding it together at school and letting it out at home.
The cause may be complex or may be more simple than you think.
Might he be Neurodiverse?
Could be resentful of his brother as the golden child who can do no wrong, and taking it out on you?
Do you have quality postive 1-1 time with him without his brother there?
Might he be hearing conversations with comparisons being made to him and brother?
Have you talked to him about his feelings to try and find out why he might be behaving so angrily?
Did anything traumatic or significant happen to him or you as a family around the time the behaviours started?

Have you sought any support at all or have you just ignored this behaviour for two years? I don't understand why you've been so passive about all this. Is his father around? Has he sought support?

Hi @Sunshining20 this sounds really hard. I do think talking to the school would be a good idea, they can look out for signs he might be struggling if they know the full picture. Have you ever spoken to anyone (gp, HV, nursery) before now? Almost 2 years is a long time to be living with such extreme behaviour.

My son is almost 7 and he was diagnosed autistic last year. He isn't aggressive/violent, but he is very anxious, particular (the "sat on the wrong bit of the bed" jumped out at me as something we've heard) he has issues with sensory things like fabric, sounds, smells, busy/chaotic environment and changes to routine and transitions etc.

He masks heavily in school and is basically another teacher (we're working on this!) but at home he needs to be able to go a bit crazy or chill - trampoline or park some days, telly and Lego other days. No after school clubs etc as he can't cope with them at the moment. He can have meltdowns where he'll trash his room (this is VERY rare now, thankfully) or say things like he wants to be adopted or wishes "wasn't alive" and it's heartbreaking but he doesn't mean it and usually within 10 minutes he's gone from furious to crying for me and hiding under his duvet. He knows on the occasions he does trash his room (he always goes to his room, it's his safest space) he has to help clear it up once everything has calmed down.

I think your son could benefit from some techniques for regulation/calming down. Breathing exercises, a folder/box with things to make him feel better (photos, squishy toys etc) having a space he can go to and feel safe, maybe a tent or heavy blanket. Recognising the feelings - not just saying "when you feel angry" but actually recognising WHAT getting angry itself feels like - my son learnt that when he starts feeling "hot and having tears" it means he needs some space or if his tummy feels "bubbly" or he feels "itchy" he might need help with something, if that makes sense?

This will take a while to actually show results, but we've seen a big improvement this year.

Yes, it may not be SEN and there could be many reasons for this (none of which are your fault) so it's important to get to the bottom of it.

Hm is he going through some feelings? ..could he feel he doesn't get as much attention? You say you don't know how to connect so could he be feeling the disconnect as children will show any upset and frustrations in bad behaviour.. I would concentrate on lots of one on one and praising good behaviour constantly

I think Senco is one place to start. I agree with other poster you need to do some investigating:

• Hearing test
• Eye sight test
• No processed foods for at least a month and keep a diary of mood/triggers. Don’t make it hard - just make notes on your phone.
• No tablet/phone time at all - limit tv to a movie.
• Start a routine that you do repeatedly when he gets home from school -

• Get him enrolled in Ruby tots (that kind of thing) Saturday football and/marshall arts, swimming - he needs much more physical exercise than most.

Get yourself to the local Send Parent cafe and allow yourself to meet other parents who are just like you and have had to go through all the same wondering like you.

If you follow my advice you are doing several things - creating balanced blood sugar within his body and providing opportunities for nervous system regulation through exercise and activating the parasympathetic nervous system through external pressure.

Also by getting his hearing and eyesight you are double checking pain/discomfort that is hard to verbalise.

I think that’s so common - that people think it’s not being strict enough but Sen is complex.

Put boundaries in place and stick to them. Not strict-but certainly firm. Non negotiable: no hurting you or anyone else
Maybe look into physical holds that are non violent to protect yourself from him?

What consequences does he get for his behaviour?

Yes talk to the SENCO asap. He might be able to keep it together at school in which case his behaviour will escalate at home. It could be quite a lot of things but mainly I would look into and employ strategies that support kids with adhd and demand avoidance - not because he has those, who knows, but because the strategies might help.

Agree with this☝️
It's not about being judged but accessing the right support. 🫂

For instance... if your son was wheezy and ended up as asthmatic you would get him help and see a GP and get him on inhalers.
Same with if he wasn't eating properly or couldn't speak, you would get help.
This is no different. He needs some help.
He just needs some support and so do you.
That is nothing to be ashamed of @Sunshining20

Talk to the senco. They may not believe you if he is fine in school, but better to start the conversation asap. Assessments can take many years to get! If possible, covertly film some of his outbursts so you have evidence. Have you researched what you think it might be and looked at adapting your parenting? What works for child 1 is not necessarily the same.