To worry about DS future because of this

You know his behaviour isn’t normal because you have an older son and know other children. You should’ve gone to the dr a couple of years ago, but going this week is better than delaying further. My dd starts school next year (one of the youngest) and I’m terrified of her being in a class with a child like that. Your son is probably going to end up seriously hurting other children.

Edit to add that it won’t be sleep like what some other posters have said. 10 hours is enough for my 3 year old and she’s never needed much sleep. She isn’t violent.

I dont actually think 10 hours is loads at age 4. Surely more like 11-12hrs is more appropriate, aren't most children this age in bed with the lights out by 7ish and then getting up between 6 and 7am? If he's waking up before 6am that could also be a sign of overtiredness.
Im guessing too that hes just started reception which for most kids initially makes them incredibly tired - loads need to go to bed even earlier for a few weeks while they get used to the change.

If he's missing out on 30-45 mins sleep every day that will build up into a chronic sleep deficit and make him cranky, irritable and less resilient.
Imagine as an adult someone told you, you had to set your alarm for 45 mins earlier the whole week and do without 45 mins sleep every day. By the end of the week you'd be really tired and grumpy.

Possibly mental health problems. Also possibly gentle parenting issues. Second children are often a bit wilder and need firmer boundaries.
I bet he wouldn’t like hitting if he was hit back at the same ferocity every time he lifted his hand.
My friends son is very violent, he has extra needs, he’s hard work. He went to summer school with an African Christian group, who don’t tolerate boldness or hitting from children, he was like a different child . My own DS has extra needs and is highly controlling of the people around him, where they sit, where his plate sits, he is highly strug, he has settled a lot in terms of violent outbursts. It would not hurt to book in with a psychiatrist or psychologist if you can afford it.

Autism? Masking in school? Meltdowns at home as a response the pressure of masking all day?

Sounds very very like my DC.

That is a long time to be struggling- you need some help/guidance. Asking for help is a strength not a weakness.

Definitely talk to the school, I would also have a look at how things are escalating, if he is kicking you for sitting on the ‘wrong part’ of the bed, how did he end up being restrained?
If I was being kicked I would have de-escalated the situation by moving away, telling him we don’t kick and ignoring him/leaving the room.
If he is over stimulated then trying to battle through it is madness and someone will end up getting hurt
If you’re trying to leave the room and he’s chasing after you kicking then of course that’s completely different, and needs to be dealt with differently,
If he’s giggling whilst being restrained it all sounds like it’s become abit of a game.
One of my children is autistic, I’ve never had to physically restrain him but he does need to decompress after school and I know not interact with him too much during that time otherwise he escalates.

10 hours sleep may not be enough in reception. Its v common for kids to need 12 or even 13, both mine had to be in bed by 6.30pm and wouldnt wake til 7am.

Does he have access to screens where he could be watching things that seem age appropriate but have a lot of fighting, like pokemon?

How do you react when he hits? My daughter had a phase at 2/3 like this and we had to calmly simply remove us physically from the space we were in, with absolutely no attention, to stop it. I used to put her in a safe space and leave her for a few minutes sayimg calmly that i would not spend time with someone who hit. I also restrained her when she tried to hit her brother and told her i would not let her hit. For several months i did not let her out of my sight around him, if i saw her moving to hit i would restrain her. Zero tolerance for hitting/physical aggression from a youmg age or before you know it they are too big for you to restrain safely.

My son was very like yours. He is adopted and has some additional needs which we didn't realise until school age. Sensory needs, attachment issues. His behaviour was driven by fear and frustration. He was very aggressive to me for years. Initially not so bad in reception but it quickly fell apart and I am glad in retrospect it did - because it made his additional needs obvious to professionals and I was able to get an echp and eventually a brilliant therapeutic special school. He is now 14 and no longer aggressive. People think he is a lovely young man.

I went on a few parenting courses which changed my approach completely. The normal time out, consequences etc does not work for all children and can make things much worse - increasing fear and frustration and overwhelm. Look at PACE, non violent resistance courses were amazing for us.

You will need to fight for help and for your husband to understand it is not just about being strict. I would start now, raising with SENCO his behaviour at home, and start from there. Wishing you well.

This is so awful for you. I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time. Don’t worry about judgement. Get help from school, see your GP for referrals for your son’s behaviour. You will probably have to push and fight every step of the way because the system is so overwhelmed but do it for yourself and do it for him. Things will get better. The more help you can get, the better the outcome for all of you.

Worth looking into autism with pda traits
if the senco fobs you off look into approaching gp for assessment
joining groups like not fine in school will help with advice (sometimes children are exhausted by school and it all comes out once they’re safe at home)

People jump to autism, but you’ve just listed a ton of real signs. I’ve been through the assessment for my DS and can tell you these are on the list. Personally, I’d keep a log of his activities at home to back up what you’re saying. Early intervention has been life changing for us, and if it is autism will help your son in the long run. If he’s doing it at home, chances are it will happen at school to another child or teacher and that’s something to get in front of now.

You need him assessed - you need help to handle him. You are doing great but it won't be easier as they grow.

Your DS sounds a lot like my DS who is 12 and diagnosed with ADHD and autism. The doctor said he has the characteristics of PDA as well, but they don't diagnose it separately.
He was only diagnosed a few months ago, but i flagged up his behaviours when he was 16 months. They said ND was likely, but they wanted to see how he developed. His twin was diagnosed with autism when he was 2 (it is genetic in our family).

His masking at school made it harder as well. With me, his safe person, his behaviour is ridiculous. But everyone else gets the "Sunday best" version of him. Of course he can't sustain the mask for long, so he would let it all out when he got home (coke bottle effect).

It's clear now why none of the "punishments" we tried, or the advice we implemented never worked. We were told to praise good behaviour and use reward charts. Bad idea. The praise puts too much pressure on him and he can't maintain it. Reward charts were pointless because his executive dysfunction always prevailed, and set him up to fail.

I don't take away all electronics as a punishment. He needs something to help him self regulate. I'm ND as well, and I use my phone for self regulation. If it were taken away from me, I'd struggle so much it would be unbearable.

It's impossible to impose a routine as, while the autistic brain needs it, the ADHD brain can't stand it rebels. It feels like nothing you do helps because the brain is so conflicted.

Punishments and consequences usually lead to an escalation of behaviour. So you add a punishment, which leads to more escalation. Eventually you take away everything, so he has nothing more to lose and he'll take it up a notch.

I really think you need to speak to the SENCO.

My 5yr old would be like this and please take everything I am about to say with the understanding I was a SEN teacher myself so already had access and info that not all parents have.

My son would be exactly the same I think without our strict and firm parenting and if I hadn’t pushed for special support at school. I’ve been working on emotional regulation with him from 1 yr old and he’s been in speech and OT from 18m old due to head banging. Definitely socks to school SENCO. It’s really common for SEN kids to hold it in all day and explode at their safe person (often Mum), but this does not make it ok and it’s something that needs improving, you do not and should not be expected to tolerate any abuse including hitting, spitting, screaming etc.

‘The out of sync child’ is a great book. Also researching demand avoidance parenting and ADHD parenting was so helpful for me.

If my child ever tries to blackmail me, kicks off about not getting something then he goes straight home and misses out. If he screams for too long I will lose my temper and tell him off strictly. You cannot reason with a child that isn’t calm but I know it’s the hardest thing in the world to regulate yourself when they are acting this way. I try and step away or take a few breaths but none of us are perfect.

I won’t tolerate being screamed or shouted at. And I’m firm on this. If he hit or spat on me repeatedly I’d lose my temper on him is the truth. We typically use timeout but if I was being repeatedly smacked around then I would be very harsh back.

It’s really hard OP. You’re not alone but things can and will get better.

My daughter is also autistic and the being on the wrong part of the bed jumped out at me too. Also having a low frustration tolerance for things like not being able to do up a zipper or put on a sock.

But yeah, the rigidity around things like where other people can or can’t sit and trying to control other people’s behaviour was a big thing with her at that age.

The good news is OP, that he is still very young, so if you have him assessed, whatever it turns out to be, he will get support early on in his life that will set him up well for the future.

I'd talk to as many people as you can - SENCO, HV, GP etc. You and your son need all the support you can get. It can take a long time to identify the cause of issues like this and to find suitable interventions so you want to look at all options. Our neurodivergent son, now a young adult, wasn't violent but we have been unpicking his behaviour and trying different approaches for over 15 years. When your child does not meet usual expectations you typically end up parenting differently long term. Please don't try to do it all alone.

Firstly just wanted to send big hugs. This sounds incredibly tough. Secondly, this is nothing to do with your parenting. I’d highly recommend speaking to the Senco. I have 3 neurodivergent children and with my youngest you never would have guessed how he behaved at home if you saw him at school. One day he couldn’t mask anymore and had the most almighty meltdown at school and they couldn’t believe it was the same child. My advice is to start early. It’s not normal behaviour so the sooner you get help, the better the outcomes will be for him as he gets older. The support you need could take time so get the ball rolling now, I’d go
to both the Senco and GP as a starting point.

Go to the GP if you don't want to involve school yet.

See if you have a local family hub, they can also advise and the gov is meant to be opening them all over the country.

I would not wait because this is already extreme and you'll be ending up in a viscious cycle where you are stressed expecting him to misbehave and get on him more, so he is stressed because he's in trouble causing him to misbehave more.

In general, children who are displaying challenging behaviour need more specific parenting rather than following general advice that you might find anywhere. It probably will need to be more structured than most people can get away with and you want to lead with the positive ie turn the behaviour expectation around to what you want to see more of, not less of, and also learn how to break this down into smaller steps if it is not achievable from where you are right now, set the child up for success, and learn to be aware of where you might inadvertantly be modelling the behaviour you don't want e.g. talking in an irritated tone when you are annoyed by something.

You can learn those skills from parenting courses which your GP can signpost you to and they are generally a good starting place. Some children will turn things around when you start using strategies like this, others you might find this kind of thing is a start, but ultimately they will need more support too such as understanding their sensory processing differences or communication differences, or getting them some support such as speech therapy.

This is also good and you can just follow it online: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLh9mgdi4rNeyEGNxBvNdOVlianDYgWuc9

My DC behavior was somewhat similar although less physically violent but she was hitting past the age it was really appropriate and having a lot of verbal outbursts to age 7. She is not diagnosed with SEN (evaluated because live abroad where it is much easier to access services). For her it seems like the answers were:

• Really bad fit at a preschool ages 3-4 which meant she was constantly in fight or flight mode. So little things were set her off because she was at an 8 all the time.
• behavior at school improved overnight and at home significantly after moving schools to a less chaotic environment with a teacher with much better/clearer boundaries
• uncertsinty makes her very uncomfortable. She wants to know what the rules are and that the adults know what’s going on. Like all children, she feels safer with boundaries but I think to a greater extent than other kids.
• she wants independence so we are constantly working on what she can do herself
• she gets overstimulated and needs A LOT of alone time. We are a 0 screen time household and do a lot of audiobooks. She does not do well if we spend a long time in a busy environment so we are careful not to over schedule.
• consequences/punishment are not super effective and tend to escalate behavior. Stepping away and focusing on keeping everyone safe in the moment is priority 1 and focusing on how to not get so dysregulated is step 2. I would say that my DC is kind to a fault and incredibly remorseful after bad behavior and I probably wouldn’t be comfortable stepping away from consequences from a child who didn’t show remorse.
• she is off the charts gifted (live somewhere that this is assessed) and the way I have read about it is gifted people can kind of experience the world more intensely. Coupled with kids having understanding way beyond their age but no emotional ability to handle it. I don’t know if your DC falls into that bucket but reading a list of challenges for gifted kids explains a lot of my DC behavior.

id recommend reading about spirited kids - it talks a lot about putting them in situations they can succeed behaviorally in and working to expand that. Likewise 1,2,3 magic is good for consistent boundaries. Also recommend doing a parenting class with DC dad to make sure you’re on the same page.

I also gave myself grace that she IS harder to parent than other kids but also, kind of incredible because her depth of interests and conversation is just so different from kids her age.

What’s he like for your husband?

He is masking at school which is very common with children with SEND. Please speak to your school SENCO, your GP and have a look at early help on your local authority website.

To help outside professionals understand his behaviour you may need to start keeping a log of incidents and video his behaviour towards you and at home. This will all help as evidence in any assessment/diagnosis you get. Make a note of any triggers (there may be none) so you can try and navigate these meltdowns.

You really do need to pull your finger out here and insist on getting help. Start with your GP. All kids go through their own things but this has been sustained for two years and you really do need to advocate for him. He can't do it for himself. You cannot afford to just wait for someone else to care enough to do something.

Make an appointment to speak to the SENDco at the school and take it from there.

He does have additional needs and things aren't going to get any better without some help for him and support for everyone in the house.

Talking from experience DS is 8 now and still incredibly difficult - the bruises on my arm are proof of this. Still taking things one day at a time. X

Oh this sounds very difficult and I really feel for you. I think it is important to set boundaries of what you will and won't accept. If your child can control themselves in other places and with other people and lash out at you alone, then you can't always jump to SEN. Even if there are SEN, you still need to have rules and be the parent, which is not always easy when you are tired and emotional.

You have been lucky with your older child who.has a calmer disposition but children are all different. Yes, you may be your child's 'safe space' but that doesn't mean you have to put up with any abuse and bad behavior.

If your child hits you or kicks you, walk away. Do not interact with him, do not beg or plead or reason. Leave him alone in a safe room to regulate. Do not let him see your hurt, when he is acting out, grey rock and remove yourself. When he has calmed down and tired himself out, go in an give him a cuddle and let him know he is loved. When he behaves well, praise him, when he behaves badly, walk away.

I have two autistic children and have experience of after school meltdowns, I also feel that some people see SEN as an excuse not to discipline their children, I've seen this quite a lot and it doesn't help anyone going forward. I'm not saying it is easy, but you have to put in the graft while they are young. Autistic children can learn from consistent rules, yes, it may take time and be exhausting for the parent but it can be done. I also want to say that your child has language and understanding so should be able to understand the consequences to their actions.

Ultimately, if the school don't see the issues, they will not necessarily act on your concerns. Be open with the teachers, speak to the SENCO but as the issues are at home right now, you need to be proactive there.

I hope things improve for you.