To worry about DS future because of this

OP please don’t be fearful of judgement. You wouldn’t be posting if you were uncaring or insensitive to this. This isn’t a sustainable situation for DS or for you and so the environment around your DS has to change to accommodate his needs better.
The only judging would be if you did nothing. You’re his mum and his best and fiercest advocate, so please speak to the school about what’s happening at home . They will be happy that you want to work with them if they’re a decent school.

Did anything change at 2.5? Move of rooms in nursery? How is his communication- ability to speak but also understand of requests/ following instructions? Does he have any sensory issues? Is he funny about fabric/noise / smell/ food etc What tends to start melt downs, is there signs before?
Definitely speak to school and be clear about what is happening at home don’t sugar coat it. Read up on autism/ adhd/ pda etc and see what you think. Go to Gp and request a paediatrician appointment.

Somethings to try (apologies if you have already done these things -
visual timer to end activity
visual timetable so he knows what’s happening each day
try to stick to a fairly consistent routine - keep meal times/ transitions, bed time etc fairly similar
look for warning signs of imminent meltdown, try to distract with an activity, leaving the area, food etc see if you can head it off.
look for triggers to meltdowns and try to avoid them (for now you can try to reintroduce later when things are more settled)
try to keep calm during a meltdown. See what helps - reassurance, laying down, being held , giving him space. Dont shout and don’t discipline, his nervous system is in over drive overwhelming him further will not help. The laughing when you restrain isn’t because he’s enjoying it it’s a nervous response. Try to find alternatives- if he wants to throw give him cushions, if he wants to bite get him chewelry.

It does sound as if something isn't working right for your DS. It's hard to say what that is. Some kids do default to anger and lashing out when they are not coping. It doesn't make him evil but he will need to develop better ways to deal with tough feelings, plus you'll need to find the right ways to help him and take some of the pressure off him in the meantime.

Good idea to see the GP and also to talk to the SENCO. You said you might want some parenting advice - the GP is quite likely to point you at a parenting group while you're on the waiting list for assessments etc. Parenting groups vary but the one I went to was very helpful. (Sometimes it helps just to see you're not the only parent dealing with a difficult child, or to hear about someone else's little terror and think "well at least my DC never thought of doing THAT!" ) My DC turned out to have autism (so articulating feelings was not something he could easily do) but is now grown up and doing well.

Some other books you might find helpful meanwhile - oldies but goodies! "Explosive Child" by Ross Greene (good on how to dial down aggression); "Parent/Child Game" by Sue Jenner (good on communication and different parenting styles); "Incredible Years" by Carolyn Webster-Stratton (no-nonsense and covers a lot of ground!)

My DC is SEN. AuDHD and a few other bits thrown in too. It helps to understand. But ultimately, bad behaviour is still dealt with and we did have some at the level your child's is when younger. Zero tolerance. We never, ever ignore it. Even if it happens at school, there are consequences at home too.

This isn't normal behaviour. You need to speak to the school and also your GP. I'm no expert on these matters, by any stretch of the imagination, but I have worked in schools for around 15 years. It sounds as if your son is masking at school, and by the time he comes home, he lets go of his emotions, because home is where he feels safe.

At the moment he's just started school, so it's all new. He's getting used to different routines, children, adults and is tired.

You've given him 1.5 years to 'improve' and his behaviour really hasn't. It's all very well not wanting your son judged or labelled but not seeking advice, isn't helping him long-term.

Speak to the SENCO at school and make an appointment with your GP asap.

FUTURE mental illness?

My DS is 5 and autistic. I would guess your son has SEN and is masking at school.

whether it is SEN or not you must seek referral asap as the waitlists (if you don’t go private) are YEARS long.

do speak to the Senco at school and good luck OP.

I’m no expert but my eldest had challenging behaviour around this age not the same or as extreme but generally v angry meltdowns towards mainly me with biting etc.
I read Steve Bidulps books raising Happy children and his book aimed at boys and found much of it very useful. I especially liked Steve’s advice about getting DS to say how he felt, how we felt and how he could react differently next time after an incident.
Just to say my son is now 32 very kind and thoughtful with a very good job and comfortable life. He definitely has some personality quirks and he thinks possibly ADHD(not diagnosed).
I really hope you get through this rough period, you sound lovely. I just wanted to say it can just be a tough age/stage.

You need to speak to your GP and start the SEN assessment process. It takes a very long time.

My now 19yr old never hit but he was a nightmare when he came from school. Absolutely model student, never got in trouble ect. When he came home he used to just explode like a shook bottle of drink. He would go mental. Shouting, crying, thrashing around, telling me he he hated me. He was diagnosed AuDHD at age 8. He masked all day at school and when he come home that's when he let it all out.

What's your connection and bond like? It sounds from your post as if you have a better bond with your eldest dc and that makes me wonder whether things would be better (and your youngest would feel more secure) if you could increase the 1:1 time you spend together and find ways to enjoy your relationship more.

I (granny of two, career spent working with children with communication disorders) would speak to SENCO to say you have concerns at home. Agree with others that it can take forever for assessments to materialize.

Two things stand out - your DH is questioning your parenting AND you have said that you have tried everything. That says to me that you are not convinced about what you are doing. I think you should get yourself on a parenting class. You need to think about your approach, know that it is the way forward and be consistent.

The other point to remember is that you have had no problems with your first. You must have some sound parenting skills.

Consistency is key.

My DD17 was really calm at school and broke down at home. Diagnosed with AuDHD at Primary. Large class sizes,
too much noise so for secondary put her in a school with small classes etc and it massively helped. Traditional discipline never worked it was more of a aim to calm her rage or anxiety.

For now just take all the help and advice you can get.

I'm not a doctor but wrong part of the bed and particularly socks being wrong shouts autism. You're very clearly a loving, concerned mother so trust your instincts. Something isn't right xx

I agree.

Hi OP my DC is not that different but older. He can still be violent but it's rare now. He's developed better impulse control but still flies off the handle verbally a lot if anyone does anything he doesn't like.

Look into NVC / NVR, I would also suggest special time every day, and ignoring bad behaviours but not the child (research how to do this properly) / praising him descriptively as he may have just got into a pattern of getting negative attention and it sounds like punishment are not working. My DC is ND it transpires. Punishments just created absolute chaos and didn't work.

Did him being like this coincide with nursery?

Yes I have a child (now adult) who didn’t respond to traditional discipline. It just made things worse. Even now I don’t tell him stuff I negotiate with him. I still set boundaries I don’t mean there’s a free for all but he just responds better when he’s involved in a discussion about why I’ve taken a particular stance or action.

What did take the edge off was lots of exercise. He was far more amenable if we’d been to the park after school and he’d run around a lot. For a lot of children it’s not natural to sit in one spot for most of the day following instructions and being quiet. Getting out in nature is also a natural way to self regulate.

There’s a lot of good advice on this thread and it’s certainly important to get some kind of advice and support early on in case there is some neurodivergence.

I don’t think this is normal at all and sounds very serious. Soon he will be physically bigger than you and then potentially dangerous. I would be looking into professional help and intervention ASAP while his needs can still be managed.

I would agree that there are some children where a very, very traditional firm approach works wonders, and in the cases I know it has worked in anxious children who are violent - there’s just no room for ambiguity and the child is morconfident that someone is in control.

I also don’t think that letting them be controlling is anything other than a disaster.

There is no high quality evidence for “masking” or that children can control their behaviour fine in one environment and let it all out in another.

If your child was not fine at school and fine at home, you’d be looking for school to treat them differently and expect that it would make a difference. I think you need to first of all look at how you all behave at home as a family, that means this is his default behaviour when he’s with you.

I would assume there is something wrong in his life- he can't see or hear properly, or he is in pain. I would go to your GP.

OP be prepared thar if your son is fine in school, the school may not be interested. ( had a friend who was a peripatetic SEN teacher and she said there were schools she could not get to engage if the child was fine in school, no matter how violent they were to family out of school.

It would be worth checking with school how he behaves in school, though.

Your Council should have some sort of family support service. These normally give you a one to one support worker who will visit you at home. Ours is psychology led. Children’s charities often offer services, Banardoes in our area has an excellent package of services, including play therapy and also counselling for parents.

Regarding hitting. My eldest used to hit me. Went to a gentle parenting coach for advice. Made no difference. One day he started hitting me again. I held his arms as advised by gentle coach and he started kicking me instead. Something in me snapped. I turned him over, gave him three sharp slaps on his backside and told him if he ever hit me again I would defend myself by smacking him again.

He hated it and cried, but he never, ever hit me again.

He’s a teenager now and absolutely lovely.

Not saying this will work for you but it did for me. I was absolutely sick of being a punch bag. I don’t regret doing it.

I mean thisnkindly but it seems like everyone is failing this poor boy.

Stop being so passive and get your boy some help.

It is either some form of additional needs, sounds very like adhd masking at school and then full blown crashing when home and in his safe space. Along with potentially PDA.

However, what happened when he was 2.5 that meant you noticed a shift in his behaviour? New sibling? Move of house? Family death etc? Trauma can take time to come out and at 2.5 and now 5 he simply doesn't have the vocabulary or the emotional maturity to understand and describe it.

Get that poor boy the help he needs.