To worry about DS future because of this

Masking is in. It was dylexia a few years ago. Everybody had it.

My question would be how has school become such a trial that little children can't just "be"

Once again, no matter what you call it (camoflaging/masking), there is no robust evidence in support of it. The concept has attained some folk mythology status.Many people might feel the idea resonates with them, but if it's not actually accurate then it stops us from understanding how to deal with the actual underlying situation.

That isn’t true though, scientists often refer to it as camouflaging. It’s more common in girls than boys.

Two things. One is that if SENCO judge a parent or child in any way, they’re shite at their job and should leave. Their whole purpose is to be supportive and understanding. Two is that your DS’s behaviour is atypical and does need assessing. You don’t need to push for a formal diagnosis if you don’t want but you at least need to better understand him and his needs.

Once again there is almost zero evidence for masking, and it actively detracts from identifying problems as people write off explosive behaviour/meltdowns as “oh they’ve kept it masked all day” when it’s more likely there is something in the environment that is the trigger.

Might be worth some play therapy to help him explain how he's feeling?

My youngest, now older can be a bit like this (no sen) and what helped was staying really calm, leaving him alone to calm down (so just ignoring behaviour) not escalating and waiting for him to calm down. I've found the calm parenting podcasts really helpful if you google.

Often at similar age food was VERY important. I had to take sandwiches to school pick up as a biscuit just wouldn't cut it - then when home home eggy bread, or something decent not just a small snack..as being hangry didn't help!!

I think you’re looking at autism.
I have 7 year old twins. They have never grown out of this.

You do want him to be judged there. That's how you get to the bottom of what's going on.

He could be masking all day and when he's home he finally lets it all out with his safe space - you. You who love him unconditionally. I would do the right to choose and get an assessment asap so then you know what you’re dealing with. It might not be but it’s good to get on it early if he is neurodivergent.

How long is his day? when does it start and end?

What's he eating and drinking? And sleeping?

The Explosive Child book was brilliant in helping me to put in boundaries and understand how my parenting could be adapted to stay connected with my son who was also pretty explosive. He's 9 now and whilst still a bit volatile I know better what works for him and what doesn't. Avoiding UPF's in his diet, a good amount of exercise and sleep plus nervous system regulation all help keep him better able to regulate his emotions. He also has dyslexia which we are going through assessment for. Lots of hugs, it's damn hard xx

Could you afford a few sessions of play therapy to see if there’s anything bothering him? The going rate is about £45 for 45mins. I know it’s expensive and I thought it was a waste of time at first but it really does work. The therapist will work with you and school and will have more leverage with school if you’re thinking about getting him assessed for a neurological condition.

I work in a school. We have a little girl who has been with us for a while (nearly six months). She’s clever, funny, got a great sense of humour - she’s an incredibly engaging little thing. But her family are chasing an autism diagnosis because of the melt downs they said she had at home.

We had no reason to disbelieve them but couldn’t add anything to the process because we didn’t see anything.

And then a week ago she had the most almighty meltdown. As the person who dealt with it and took the brunt of her violence, I’m pleased I knew in advance it was a possibility.
It meant I dealt with it from the start as an autistic melt down and not simply a child losing their temper because they couldn’t get their own way.

When a child gets super upset normally, I’d talk to them and offer reassurance, or try and distract. I made a decision that this was the worst thing to do in that moment and so I stood back, gave her as much space as I could while making sure she was safe, and stayed quiet. Having that prior knowledge helped me - I was forewarned so wasn’t totally taken by surprise and could more clearly think about my response to the situation, particularly important once the physical aggression started as it’s hard to stay calm when someone is kicking the hell out of you. The prior warning helped me work double hard to stay calm.

I didn’t think any less of the child or the family either before or after. Im just glad they were honest at the start. They are mortified but I’ve also been able to reassure them as much as possible that they don’t need to be, and there’s no blame attached.

Talk to school.

I don't think asking school for help is the right way to go Op, I think he needs outside professional help, and you need aporopriate advice to help you manage his behaviour. I feel so sorry for you having to cope with this situation but please don't try to manage any longer without proper help

This sounds like ODD to me. Definitely speak to the SENCo and they can help you put some strategies in place.

Sounds like you are doing your best. However this behaviour is impacting on the whole family. Don't be ashamed to ask for help, speak to school, GP etc. your other son will suffer, so you need to move forward. It's not easy but you are starting the process by discussing it. Most of all sending love

I fundamentally disagree with this view from a parent of two autistic girls. Masking is a thing. The coke bottle effect is a thing. Behaving at school then restraint collapse at home with your safe person is a thing.

Is there anywhere apart from home where he shows this behaviour? Please go to your GP/HV. It sounds a lot like SEN with the stress over socks and bed and complete meltdowns etc.

A friend had to go to a parenting course before they would progress with a formal diagnosis, so round here you would get something of the sort.

I would speak to the senco/school nursing team to see what advice they could offer. May not be SEN, but I wouldn’t say that kind of behaviour is normal at that age. My child of a similar age is very physically aggressive, but he has significant SEND. The explosive child might be a good book to read.

As OP have said, your child clearly has additional needs, especially since it started from a young age.

i think you urgently need to get a referral as waiting lists for help are so long. It could be one of a number of things but I am no doctor. Can you try moving this thread to the additional needs corner of MN or starting a new one there, people with similar experiences may be able to help.

the fact it doesn’t happen in school but happens at home is definitely “masking” and the fact that certain things make him particularly hostile are almost good in a way as there will be ways you can help prepare him.

Dont panic, there is help out there but poor LO definitely sounds like he needs additional support.

Well children do test boundaries, whether you call it "naughty" or not is surely irrelevant. If you think you haven't been consistent enough around boundary testing behaviour, then for sure try it. Consistency is important and some children do need you to be consistent for longer. You said in the OP though that you have tried different things and they didn't help - that's why you're getting a lot of "no such thing as naughty" advice.

I think when people generally say behaviour is communication or no such thing as naughty, what they mean is that children aren't being evil or malicious. But do they cross boundaries just to see what happens, or engage in undesirable behaviours when the boundaries aren't clear? Absolutely! There's probably a semantics argument around whether it's something that the child is choosing though or whether it's unclear parenting in the first place which has created the situation where the child isn't sure what behaviour is OK and which isn't.

Sure, some kids are "just naughty" with nothing serious underlying and I agree the fact that your DS can behave in school and he is usually a kind little boy are both very good signs.

I thought "Explosive Child" might help partly because of what your DS got so angry about - it was just you sitting in the "wrong" place. Some kids get agitated when things are not "just so" and "Explosive Child" is especially good about kids who are like that. But that might not be what's bothering your DS at home.

Two of the books I suggested "Parent/Child Game" and "Incredible Years" are meant for parenting ordinary kids though they do work for kids with SEN too. I've heard good things about the Steve Biddulp book too though not read it myself.

I think he is just naughty plain and simple !
If he can control himself at school he is choosing to at this age he is getting away with it at home
You have to be firm and consistent and do not let him push boundaries u must have boundaries in place plus if it sometimes works when he faces consequences again it works u have to be consistent and do t give in I know it's hard but the hard work I put in now will pay off