Page 7 | Kids birthday party aibu

DippyDo3 · 2026-09-22T13:52:47+00:00

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party. Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

butimamonstersaidthemonster · 22/09/2026 20:37

But you could have chosen to invite those 4 extra kids. You chose to exclude them. Because you invited more than 14 total.
The rule is fewer than half or everyone. I think you are massively unreasonable. Children won’t keep a party to themselves and the kids will easily work out that only a few weren’t invited. it’s cruel.

Calliopespa · 22/09/2026 20:34

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/09/2026 20:29

I can understand why the four left out might have been sad about that. I would want to know how they know about the party. If it was because my DC had been telling them all about the party they weren’t invited to, that’s what I would correct.

I wouldn’t want to invite a child who was hurting mine, physically or emotionally. Whilst having SEN makes life really difficult for them and they would have my full sympathy, their wants and needs do not trump my child’s right to safety at school and at their birthday celebration.

their wants and needs do not trump my child’s right to safety at school and at their birthday celebration.

Of course not. But that's when you sculpt the invitation list or style of party so that at least as many children are left out as are going.

That is another aspect of parenting a child properly, as well as keeping them safe. It need not be one or the other.

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2026 20:30

trybest · 22/09/2026 19:03

Obviously mine wouldn’t have invited him either if he treated them like that. But I still don’t think it’s great for the class dynamic when only 4 kids are left out.

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OP's child just has other friends they wanted to invite more. They don't only have to invite class friends and that is what I'd tell my child.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 22/09/2026 20:29

I can understand why the four left out might have been sad about that. I would want to know how they know about the party. If it was because my DC had been telling them all about the party they weren’t invited to, that’s what I would correct.

I wouldn’t want to invite a child who was hurting mine, physically or emotionally. Whilst having SEN makes life really difficult for them and they would have my full sympathy, their wants and needs do not trump my child’s right to safety at school and at their birthday celebration.

Bluebellsparklypant · 22/09/2026 20:29

The mum lost the moral high ground posting on social media, but imagine you worked in an office of 14 and 10 of the others were invited out for lunch, would you be upset at being excluded? Amplify that for a child

This 👆

RarePearlTiger · 22/09/2026 20:28

FookFookFook · 22/09/2026 15:09

10 out of 14 (and you left out one with SEN?) … hmmm. I do feel a bit sorry for the 4 left out yes. I think it was mean.

Absolutely. A few from the class is fine, but not 10 out of 14. That’s mean

Conundrummum123 · 22/09/2026 20:25

Rooroobear · 22/09/2026 15:29

You can invite who you want!! The whole class?? Parties are expensive! If 4 were left then that’s just unfortunate but Mumsnet is batshit sometimes!

I disagree, my child has been the one left out, although no sen (just stroppy) and in the minority too, it is really difficult and quite mean

I can’t bring myself to leave out even the kids my daughter isn’t friends with so we suck it up and invite the whole class (it’s like 30) and the party is the main present. Naturally most don’t turn up so we’ve never had more than 20 but at least no one child was made to feel like rubbish

Thatsillymama · 22/09/2026 20:23

FunkyFringe · 22/09/2026 20:15

They 'have to invite the whole class'? What nonsense and how on earth can the school police such a silly rule?

There aren't any 'rules', for goodness sake. It's up to the child and his/her parents to invite whoever they like.

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It is fairly crazy but very common in my area. They basically don't allow individual invites being sent in schoolbags or being handed out on school grounds. There's obviously ways around it but most of my friends with children stick to the rule!

SomeOtherUser · 22/09/2026 20:19

10/14 is just not wise, no matter how well-reasoned.

MeetMeOnTheCorner · 22/09/2026 20:18

This whole class requirement is ludicrous. In YR my DD was in a hen and chickens classroom with 60 dc. No way was a I having 60 or even 30! 15 tops and then 10 and then 4 for special treats when older. Teen parties got bigger but no way were dc invited mine didn’t like!

Rainallnight · 22/09/2026 20:16

DippyDo3 · 22/09/2026 17:54

I think from reading the replies that people think the ratio was bad. But im glad others are of my
mindset.
My childs first words coming out of school for months were whether or not this particular child had hurt them that day or not and that broke my heart. They were adamant they didn’t want to invite them and i had to support them on that. I do feel the mum thinks its because her child has SEN but it has more to do with the violence and bad language. Around the time of planning there was a bad incident and some bad language used in the same week. If it makes me a bad person to not want my children to be exposed to that then so be it. I have sympathy for the parents of SEN children but surely it can’t be used as an excuse for bad behaviour.
It wasnt an ideal party with numbers but they really wanted this type of party. Il definitely have a rethink on ratios next year its hard to get it right when theres other factors such as friends from activities/siblings etc

This is a massive drip feed!

10 out of 14 isn’t cool, though, and you need to guide your DC with this in mind next year.

FunkyFringe · 22/09/2026 20:15

Thatsillymama · 22/09/2026 19:57

It's a hard one to navigate. In my child's school they have to invite the whole class. My son is technically in an SEN class but attends mainstream for 80 percent of the day. Hes never been invited to any party from either class. The SEN students don't have parties because its too stressful for the familes and he's not full time in the other class so he doesn't have to be invited. I do find it hard at times but my son is very understanding about it.

They 'have to invite the whole class'? What nonsense and how on earth can the school police such a silly rule?

There aren't any 'rules', for goodness sake. It's up to the child and his/her parents to invite whoever they like.

Calliopespa · 22/09/2026 20:13

localnotail · 22/09/2026 19:49

Exactly, try to force an 11-14-15 year old to invite someone they dont like!

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Which is why by that age parties tend to be a handful of attendees only.

Even with adults it would be bad form with, say, a book group or office colleagues, to invite most and exclude a few you don't like.

QuaintMauveCrow · 22/09/2026 20:12

Rooroobear · 22/09/2026 15:29

You can invite who you want!! The whole class?? Parties are expensive! If 4 were left then that’s just unfortunate but Mumsnet is batshit sometimes!

Exactly this!
your child can invite who they like, and if even just one isn’t because they are nasty to your child (SEN of not) that is also fair enough!
writing a post about it on social media is nuts.

Calliopespa · 22/09/2026 20:10

L00kingAround · 22/09/2026 20:06

YANBU.

OP said "Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. "

SEN doesn't it make it ok for OP's child to be hurt at school. As an adult I wouldn't be inviting anyone that hits me, so why is it ok to force that on a kid. If others want to sacrifice their kids safety to virtue signal that's their choice, but doesn't make OP a bad person.

Of course she didn't have to invite someone she didn't want.

But that impacts how far you can go in asking the others. On your reasoning it is fine to ostracise one child.

Calliopespa · 22/09/2026 20:09

NuffSaidSam · 22/09/2026 15:16

The unspoken rule here is generally 'fewer than half or everyone'. Basically you don't want the 'left out' group to be smaller than the 'invited' group. So ten out of a class of thirty is fine, but ten out of fourteen wouldn't go down well.

YABU.

I aqree.

Inviting 10 and leaving out just 4 was unkind op.

What did you think was the decent place to stop? Just one left out?

It is silly saying you teach your dc to be kind and then let them do this.

I think YABVU.

Overthebow · 22/09/2026 20:08

Thatsillymama · 22/09/2026 19:57

It's a hard one to navigate. In my child's school they have to invite the whole class. My son is technically in an SEN class but attends mainstream for 80 percent of the day. Hes never been invited to any party from either class. The SEN students don't have parties because its too stressful for the familes and he's not full time in the other class so he doesn't have to be invited. I do find it hard at times but my son is very understanding about it.

How can the school dictate how many have to be invited, unless they’re paying and organising the party for each child? My DD is SEN and does not enjoy big whole class parties, there’s no way I’d be organising one for her. She also wouldn’t invite anyone who was hurting her or not being nice to her and I wouldn’t make her.

L00kingAround · 22/09/2026 20:06

YANBU.

OP said "Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. "

SEN doesn't it make it ok for OP's child to be hurt at school. As an adult I wouldn't be inviting anyone that hits me, so why is it ok to force that on a kid. If others want to sacrifice their kids safety to virtue signal that's their choice, but doesn't make OP a bad person.

CalamityJane81 · 22/09/2026 20:05

Leaving just 4 out was a bit of a dick move IMO. Friends of siblings? When numbers were restricted? You made that decision, now you have to live with the consequences.

Thatsillymama · 22/09/2026 19:57

It's a hard one to navigate. In my child's school they have to invite the whole class. My son is technically in an SEN class but attends mainstream for 80 percent of the day. Hes never been invited to any party from either class. The SEN students don't have parties because its too stressful for the familes and he's not full time in the other class so he doesn't have to be invited. I do find it hard at times but my son is very understanding about it.

localnotail · 22/09/2026 19:49

JustSawJohnny · 22/09/2026 19:23

I'm assuming everyone getting angry with OP about this have very young children because once the boys hit the expensive activity stage and the girls the sleepover stage I'm afraid you are firmly in the World of not being able to invite the whole class!

Whole class parties are lovely when the kids are very small and enjoy a village hall vibes disco/pizza/pass-the-parcel fest but when it's 30 quid a head for go-carting or sleeping bags all over the floor and movies all night it's simply impossible to invite everyone!

The girls and boys tend to naturally separate off once you hit 10ish. They just don't enjoy the same things any more.

Whole class parties aren't forever. It just wouldn't work for all.

Exactly, try to force an 11-14-15 year old to invite someone they dont like!

localnotail · 22/09/2026 19:47

Notrainingbutpouring · 22/09/2026 19:42

It’s the general rule invite all or invite less than half? Inviting nearly all the class and leaving out the child with SEN doesn’t reflect well on you and while you’re entitled to do what you want you can’t blame people for having opinions about your decisions or you.

They left 4 children out of 14. Not just one.

localnotail · 22/09/2026 19:45

Unfair or not, this is life. Ignore her goading bullshit posts and do whatever your kid wants to do. If he doesn't like someone he doesn't have to invite them, especially if it will mean you have to pay for someone to come to the party only to cause disruption and upset everyone.

BuildbyNumbere · 22/09/2026 19:42

AmnesiacsDream · 22/09/2026 18:39

Since she said "In my experience" why do you think she hasn't said anything?

In my experience too, you can talk to the school about it and they will make sympathetic noises and they probably also talk to the child's parents and try to keep an eye on things, they might make sure your child doesn't sit next to the child that hurts them, but they don't have the resources to stop it properly and they can't exclude the child so it just keeps going on unless injuries become serious.

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Can’t judge every school
on your own experience … it’s one in thousands

Notrainingbutpouring · 22/09/2026 19:42

It’s the general rule invite all or invite less than half? Inviting nearly all the class and leaving out the child with SEN doesn’t reflect well on you and while you’re entitled to do what you want you can’t blame people for having opinions about your decisions or you.