Kids birthday party aibu

It’s interesting to me - as a SEND parent - that so many parents of NT children object to what is seen as the disruptive and resource-intensive presence of SEND children in the mainstream classroom. By this rationale, it’s fair enough if a disregulated child whose needs are not being met is excluded or upset. I understand why that is, but I also see how much those children can struggle in a bog-standard classroom. Behaviour is communication, as we all know!

The government is pushing through legislation that is likely to increase the number of these children being shoehorned into MS classrooms, with unsupported teachers expected to get on with it. Please don’t leave the objections to the SEND parents - our kids are largely being fucked over anyway, but yours will be too if this ludicrous pound shop SEND strategy goes ahead.

Not strictly relevant to the thread, but some of the comments got me thinking. As you were. 😊

But it will be all the kid's friends except a, b and c. This focus on a class as the only social group that matters in terms of "exclusion" is myopic and unreasonable.

So the OP wouldn't mind if the mum corrected herself and reported instead that her child was in the minority group that got excluded?

This is why so few kids have social skills these days. Parents don’t have the strength of character to stick to accepted good manners and invite less than half the group or all; kids feel it’s fine for them to have a great time even if it’s caused other children distress and upset (even leaving aside the with the SEN child, the other three children left out will have been upset by this as well). Parenting like this is a recipe for creating an entitled, selfish child - which will be the OP’s truly deserved reward from their behaviour here.

To be honest if less than half the class is going, I don't feel that worried about the ones not invited. But when it becomes a case of "everyone except a, b, c" I find that a very different sort of exclusion.

Tbh, if the child is violent towards others, as indicated in your post, no way would I be guilt tripped into inviting them. You have a responsibility to ensure the safety of the other DCs at the party, if their parents aren’t in attendance, so why should you have the added job of making sure the child doesn’t hit out and attack other party attendees?

I imagine it's because what the other mum is saying isn't even true. Her child isn't the only one who wasn't invited and it isn't because her child has SEN.

You don't seem to care about the feelings of the kids who are actually friends with the birthday child who would have to be left off this "sculpted" list you think is kinder.

OK, so the OP does something that is very likely to upset four children. But those children are told effectively to suck it up and learn a valuable life’s lesson from the experience.

The mum of one of those children posts on social media about her DC being excluded. The OP is upset by this. But instead of sucking it up she reaches out to strangers online for support and validation - which she receives from some.

What I don’t understand is, why is the OP concerned about what the other mum says? Is it because others are empathising with said mum and the OP feels that this may lead to her own ‘exclusion’. It’s a bit late in the day (I mean, the OP is beyond primary school age) but isn’t this part of the life’s lesson that the four children are being asked to learn?

Parties are difficult and numbers limited . I think at the end of the day it’s your child and your choice. I don’t think the mother who posted on social media was right to do that and would be very annoyed about it, it’s irrelevant that her child is SEN and if given your child’s experience we even should they invite them.

On a personal note, I was excluded from a girls party once. I was only teen girl excluded. My mum said I must have done something. Years later I helped the girl who's party it was with her car. She apologized to me and said her mum didn't want to invite me as she didn't like my mum. I spent years telling myself that I was a worthless person over that exclusion. I would say my mother was a narcissist but yeah little things like that can be huge for kids.

10 out of 14 is a bit of a high number when you’re not inviting all.

Perceived wisdom seems to be - all kids, all of one sex, or fewer than half the children.

This. Honestly it isn't cool really. I wouldn't let my kid do it as this will have long term consequences in how other see you and your child

I can understand excluding the bully, regardless of SEN. But what about the other 3? Are they just the quieter kids in the class? I agree with most other posters that you should have limited the number to 6 or 7 from DC’s class if inviting everyone wasn’t possible.

I didn’t say they only left out one? I said once it gets more than half, you typically invite all. They invited more than 70percent. And the kids left out included the child with SEN. Have a look at some of dr Martha’s info about how kids make decisions about this kind of thing and who is likely to be excluded.

again, it’s her choice to do as she wishes - but equally other people are entitled to evaluate her behaviour and decide whether she is the kind of person they wish to associate with or not.

I don’t think the child should have been forced to invite everyone. I think he should have been told to pick 5/6/7 but no more than that. The 4 kids left out will be feeling terrible about it - leaving aside the bully, there are 3 others.

My kids are 10/13 and I had a whole class party once. When my daughter turned 4. Never ever again. They invited somewhere between 4-9 kids depending on the activity, but they’re in classes of 30/32 so different situation anyway.

how ridiculous

No one can invite everyone to everything. People should be ashamed to raise entitled kids and teaching them to become upset by complete non-events.

Except for the children in the class apparently.

They are missing out too because there simply aren't enough numbers or in one child's case, they hurt the birthday child.

The birthday child ultimately wanted other children there instead. Including their best friend who goes to a different school.

All children need to learn to cope with the fact that they won't be invited to every party and that they aren't entitled to attend a party just because it happens to be a child in their class.

I think to exclude 4 feels too few people. I would be uncomftable doing this.

I know it was unavoidable, you say, but just to leave out a couple is hurtful.

At primary school I was the ONLY one in the entire class not invited to a girl's party, and we got on very well. I still remember it 45 years later. She had no reason to exclude me. She just fancied being mean.

The mother was very wrong to make a post about it. Wtf? Why do so many adults behave like silly children? What literally was the need for a post about it? Why can't some people grow up? What would these people do without Facebook?

Leaving 4 out is awful and that’s down to you not your child for allowing it!

No I wasn't. Re read my post and point out where you think I wrote that. I'll wait.

Missing out is something we all need to learn to cope with. A child who cannot handle ever missing out is a brat.

Being an excluded minority is something we surely condemn as a society, no?

Personally I couldn’t have left 4 children out. My heart is sad for them.
Not a great move from the mum to go to post about it but she was probably sad too.

I’m sorry but yeah you broke some kind of unsaid rule. You can invite a few or all but not most and only leave out 4. If that is really tire and it wasn’t the one sen child like the mum claims. You also lost all sympathy and respect from me when you went on to describe the SEN child in a negative way. If you had just said the Child is SEN and mum is trying to angle it for that being the reason he’s been left out I could have given benefit of doubt but the fact you went on to say child hits and swears like it’s the reason he didn’t get invited. While claiming it to purely be just unfortunate that you are limited on numbers. If the kid is nasty and that’s the reason he didn’t get invited then just own it and say that.