Kids birthday party aibu

To leave 4 children out was cruel, what that will have done to those children is more than dreadfully unkind. How would yr child have felt if circumstances had been reversed, and he was the one left out?

Yes it was yr child’s party, but it was on you to guide and take the opportunity for him to learn about kindness and inclusion.

Sen kids aren’t usually intentionally treating others badly. It doesn’t mean you can’t protect your kids from it, but you certainly should be adamant they aren’t maliciously hurting people.

The op won’t be back. I would never let a child invite 10 and leave 4 out. This one’s even worse as they invited more, just from other year levels. So they really really wanted to leave those 4 out. Part of parenting is bringing your child up to recognise people around them matter, and the op isn’t doing this.

There were only 6 boys in DS's primary class.

After a few years together, he hated a couple of them.

No way was I ruining his birthday parties by inviting kids he has murders with daily just so Mum didn't throw a paddy and start gobbing off on socials!

Sometimes kids miss out and they need to get over it.

A little life lesson in treating people nicely on the day to day, perhaps?

Exactly.

People saying that you should have cut the numbers

Excluding her actual friends and upsetting them? That's not cruel?

How is that fair on the 2 kids now not going just because it makes the percentage "fair"?

How do you know 100% that it was your party she was talking about?

she doesn’t have to invite that child. She could have lowered the % of kids in the class and told her child to only pick 7. She had plenty of other kids coming too and then no one is being left out as the invited/not invited groups are equal.

What about them? OP's child has other friends from outside of the class including a best friend who they wanted to invite more. You can't get invited to every party, that's just the way it is.

You can be accepting of disability but also draw a line when it comes to your child getting hurt.

Of course not. That’s not what I’m saying at all. But some people are accepting of disability when it has no impact on them, as soon as it does no inclusivity not acceptance no compassion. Just exclusion and classed as bad people. What about the three other children who haven’t got send and haven’t hurt this child they have also been left out. She’s just happy to use this child SEN to justify her leaving him out all because she has been called out on someone’s facebook. Behaviour is communication. This child’s behaviour will be impacted due to his SEN. So she has excluded him because of his SEN.

You're clinging to that point, but in fact no-one is arguing about that.

I haven't seen many posts that said the child ought to have been invited. What most people are saying is that you don't pointedly exclude.

You mean except for the child who's birthday it actually is? I don't see any understanding, compassion or kindness from some pp's.

They should just accept getting hurt by a child at their own birthday party apparently.

I think it’s unkind to invite 10 classmates and leave out 4. In your shoes, i would have tried to avoid that situation arising.

So a little bit of physical harm is fine then? What on earth. It doesn't matter how much or how little it is or even that the child has SEN, they hurt OP's child and OP's child doesn't want them there.

It's understandable that OP's child doesn't want to be hurt/anxious/worried about this child at their own birthday party.

Are you sure the post was about your child's party? The mum said her son was the only one excluded. You didn't invite 4 (not great, imo, but nowhere near as bad as 1). Maybe it was about another child's party where this child really was the only one not invited.

I get not inviting bullies but can also imagine how hard it must be to be a mum of a child never invited because of SEND.
My family moved to the opposite end of the country not long before my 9th birthday. Because I was the new girl my mum let me have a big party and said I could invite all the girls and 4 boys (no idea why the arbitrary token boy invite tbh!) I didn't even know all the boys by that point so I just invited the ones who sat on my table at school. One of them had SEND. I have no idea what it was but I remember his mum staying for the party so it must have been significant. When they went home he said 'thank you for having me, I've never been to a party before.' Being a tactless newly 9 year old who couldn't read between the lines I asked him why and he just said 'nobody's ever asked me.' I wasn't being kind in asking him, I invited him because I knew his name and had spoken to him. He might not even have been accurate and might have been to lots of infant school parties that he couldn't remember. But the adult me is glad he got to come.

In regards to the child who has SEN I think @Notyourregularmom captures my thoughts very well.

Throughout this whole discourse the thing I find the most disheartening, besides what the OP deems acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, is that adults who have children themselves still have to be taught the principle of basic values such as 'understanding', 'compassion', 'inclusion' and 'kindness'.

My pre-schooler appears to have a better grasp (and I'm being quite serious).

Physically assaulted at there own party. Listen to what your saying about a child with needs. Considering op said the first thing her child would say would be if this child had hurt him or not says it all if this child was physically harming her child to a point of it being bad she wouldn’t be hearing it from her child it would be a call from the school. This woman has excluded four child and is using that as a way to make her feel better and people to tell her she’s not wrong. If she was fine with what she had done and knew she wasn’t wrong she wouldn’t be on the internet asking strangers for reassurance.

It's difficult but I don't think it's unreasonable to want to choose who to invite although I can see how it would be upsetting. But I think it's important to give children some agency over this. There's been children who my children have chosen not to invite and I think that's fine and need to respect it (although never been most of a group that's invited). I would invite children with SEN if my children wanted them - and actually I don't know exactly what children have SEN. I think a girl that was at my son's party probably does but she was fine. I think for the boy who has a 1:1 in my son's class I would invite him but I would ask his mum to stay.
Will probably never do a whole class party - my son would hate it and my daughter's birthday is just before school starts.
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What about the other three though! I think having read the replies you are now trying to make this about the child with SEN when it’s just a dick move to invite 10 out of 14 children.

A child isn't over indulged because they don't want to get physically assaulted at their own birthday party.

@Notyourregularmom the child in question has been violent towards the op’s child.

At some point, a line has to be drawn between being “kind and inclusive” and not teaching your child to be a doormat.

I think their own birthday party is a reasonable one.

another child over indulged to choose what they want to do no matter how it makes others feel.

I'm afraid that's how I see it as well OP.

Really unkind thing to do. Invite them all if less than half 100%.
You say ‘My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support.’ Clearly not true. SEN may not be an excuse for bad behaviour but it can be a reason and explanation. This child could be getting told each time it’s wrong and have consequences but SEN children do not learn and respond to these in the same way other children do. Everyone’s inclusive until it comes down to it and you have supported your child in excluding this boy because of behaviour more than likely linked to his SEN. Instead of explaining why he may act like this and it’s not nice no but his brain works differently to ours and as long as apologies are made we move on. But hey let’s just hope none of the four excluded have a party at some point and your sons the only one left out because they don’t want to invite him and their parents support their decision. Valueable life lessons could have been made here teaching about inclusivity but nope another child over indulged to choose what they want to do no matter how it makes others feel.

Who knows. Maybe not, especially if she also mentions that her child hurts OP's child which I'm sure was also very conveniently left out.