Kids birthday party aibu

So 4 not invited from the class? This is absolutely fine. The mum is obviously mistaken thinking it was just her DC not invited. You could approach her to explain you know about the SM post and you just want to clear the air if its about your DC party, it was purely down to numbers and budget and hers wasnt the only one not invited, and youre sorry if she got that impression.

Id be tempted to ignore her though tbh. Youve done nothing wrong at all.

I expect the poster means that teachers will only let children pass out invitations during school if the whole class is included. Quite a few schools have that rule due to having to deal with the upset/ arguments etc otherwise.

Obviously if it is all arranged outside of school then it's nothing to do with them.

Personally I wouldn’t deliberately exclude a child because their mom had a different viewpoint to me - seems quite cruel. But each to their own.

Very well said. Everything I wanted to articulate put across very clearly.

I'm not sure I follow. Who enforces the "you have to invite the whole class" rule? Does that person have access to the parent's bank accounts? How does a school compel parents to host and pay for whole class parties? What authoritarian nonsense is this?

I think leaving just 4 out of a class is a really horrible and unkind thing to do, I can't imagine doing that to a class of children. Surely as an adult you would know how that would make them feel.

Ime (2 children in primary school currently). It's either full class parties, just boys/girls or a very small group so less than half. I've never known anyone do what you have done.

This year DS has chosen 2 friends to do an activity with, and DD is having 2 friends from school and 2 from outside of school.

SEN is not disabled. And disabled also doesn't mean hitting is ok. This is basic stuff.

Agree it's irrelevant that the child is SEN. Sen means special educational needs and does not mean the child gets to hit people and still be invited to their house.

Outright cruel? You really need to get a sense of perspective.

Bloody hell 🙄

The mother is an extremely difficult and troubled person.

And so is the child.

That's the obvious linkage here.

You did nothing wrong and SEN is not a blanket excuse for being a mean child who you didn't want at the party. Just keep your chin up and move on, the mother is nuts.

still have to be taught the principle of basic values such as 'understanding', 'compassion', 'inclusion' and 'kindness'.

Inclusion is not a moral absolute. It is not in the category of virtues such as compassion and kindness.
What about the basic values of self-protection, freedom of choice, strong boundaries, and discernment?

There is no moral imperative to be 'inclusive'. That is a policy, not a virtue.
Kindness in this case would mean not teasing or taunting the child you chose not to invite, but instead being tactful and discreet. Kindness does not compel you to invite them.

You can have understanding and compassion for the individual with SEN, but still choose to exclude them for the benefit of yourself and the people around you. This is not wrong.

I disagree about resilience. At this age group they are not aware of how cruel their words are. My daughter didn't make the cut for a party at class. The party girl wanted her to go but clearly not enough spaces so no fault of my daughters. The invites were handed out in front of her and she was teased all day by the others when she didn't get one. She cried alot. I don't think that situation helped her resilience but it knocked her fragile self worth. I told her the parents couldn't afford to invite everyone and it was a hard choice for the party girl. In the adult world we atleast keep invites private and don't tease each other when exclusions happen. As adults we should manage and limit situations like this. We should be teaching empathy and kindness and inclusion. 10 out of 14 was a bad idea and it should have been 50% or less going. I imagine the sen mum has experienced lots of exclusion prior and it was just this occassion that tipped her over the edge. She is the one left to mop up other peoples bad judgement and 10 out of 14 is a tough one to explain.

how we learn that not everything - even a birthday party - is just all about us

Fine to teach this lesson to a confident and popular child if it is something they need to learn.
Not fine to teach this lesson to a shy and less popular child, especially a girl. If she is taught never to be 'selfish', never to put herself first, you are raising a doormat who will get into no end of unhealthy relationships.

(not relevant to the party OP, just a general observation).

This is on them, not you. Your child wanted a specific party, limited numbers and as it's their birthday, they get to pick who they want there. It really is that simple. As a parent our job is to help kids navigate disappointment, enable their resilience and prepare them for adulthood. This is not cool. I'd be embarrassed if that were me. Making a total show of herself.

Well of course, but being a very public shit stirrer would not endear SEN DC's mum to anyone. This is probably why no one invites her kid anywhere.

Your child made their choice. They didn’t want a child who has been violent and who uses foul language. How is this behaviour tolerated in school? The mother needs to discipline her misbehaving child.

This is a very good point. If the DC is part of a group of 10 friends at school but only invited 7 to the party, 3 have been excluded. That’s worse than the 4 from 14 in the class because they’re actually supposed to be DC’s friends.

In that scenario I would have gone for less than half the class.

The ratio's not irrelevant... inviting 10 out of 14 is obviously going to cause those 4 to feel left out.

The social media post is ridiculous, but then it must be very difficult to be the parent of a child with SEN who struggles with friendships etc. I can see how they would feel sensitive about being left out. Obviously doesn't excuse that response, but I do empathise.

Everyone's focussed on the child who hurts other children, but what about the other three? What did they do wrong to be excluded? Perhaps they were simply unpopular.

This thread seems to be divided between the mothers who would happily exclude just a few children from the class on the grounds that their child should have whatever they want on their birthday, and the mothers who wouldn't do that, usually because they've seen the effect of such exclusion on a child.

Because this is how we learn that not everything - even a birthday party - is just all about us. To live in a genuine community, we have to consider the feelings of others, even those we don't like.

I don’t really care if the kid has a SEN (excuse) or not - if the child is deliberately hurting others and is disruptive and just not very nice then it’s not fair on your child to have to accept that at their birthday party. Sometimes in life they should have the choice not to have to be around others like that since they have no choice about having to go to school alongside them

@Notyourregularmom
But hey let’s just hope none of the four excluded have a party at some point and your sons the only one left out because they don’t want to invite him and their parents support their decision.

Why would this be a problem? Surely you just remind DC that they don't even like the party child that much and ask why they would expect to be invited. I'm not saying they won't still be disappointed, but it's a life lesson and a great opportunity to teach how to deal with FOMO (a lesson it seems a lot of adults should have spent more time on as kids). I've had two kids go through school with several experiences like this and it's really not a huge deal unless you make it into one. If they thought they were good friends with the party child, it's a lot harder, but still an opportunity to promote resilience and how to deal with friends who aren't.

That seems to be exactly what Notyourregularmom was arguing in the post SouthLondonMum22 was responding to.