Kids birthday party aibu

Leaving out only 4 from a small class wasn’t kind. Her DC is clearly upset about it (as probably are the other 3) which has in turn upset the DM.

Not much you can do about it now, but maybe think carefully if planning a party for next year.

She shouldn’t have posted online but inviting 10/14 was harsh especially when you had space for extras from other classes and activities outside of school. So it obviously was very much that you/DS didn’t want those 4 kids there and since it’s a tiny number they’re going to take it personally, because well, it is personal. A better rule of thumb is if it isn’t all the kids/all the boys then stick to half or less. If you’d done 7 out of 14 no one would be upset.

I read it as there were 14 spots at the party and the OP's child filled 10 of those spots with school friends, including some from different classes. Hopefully they will be back to clarify soon...

I agree with the majority of posters - the 10 out of 14 is the issue. I don't agree with the mum posting on social media but I think that the ratio is a bit unfair to the kids who weren't invited.

It is not impossible for the majority of children with SEN to learn that they shouldn’t hurt people.

It does them a disservice and underestimates them to assume they can’t learn not to hurt.

I hate birthday party politics and having had primary school politics for a number of years IMO you either should invite the whole class or maybe only a few from a class (defo less than half), or all girls or all boys.
These kids talk and I’ve seen some kids be really upset when the majority of the class is invited.

As a parent I’d say it’s more up to you to be sympathetic to kids feelings/potential upset as other children don’t really think about that when sorting their invite lists.
Having 10 out of a class of 14 is a bit unfair and I believe had the potential for upset.

There is no SEN 'card' to be played, and a response like that, speaks volumes.

Inviting 10 out of 14 just makes you look bad OP. I’m sorry but that’s just horrible. As a PP said as an adult you wouldn’t do it in a work environment so why is it ok to do it to a child.

10/14 is the issue. Had it been 6/14 or 10/30 it would have been fine.
If you care what she (or others who have seen or commented on her post) then tell her (in person) that you're sorry it felt like her child had been singled out and not invited, that it wasn't the case and there were several not invited, it was limited numbers and in order to invite friends from out of the class that your son is closer friends with, he couldn't invite the whole class.

Stick to whole class or smaller groups to avoid causing offence.

@theneighbourgotmycakeaddress the behaviour? You want the kid to try being a bit less disabled?

I’m going against the grain here because I think it’s ok to exclude a child who hurts the birthday child. If they use bad language and generally cause upset, then regardless of SEN their parent needs to understand that reasons for the exclusion are valid and help their child understand them
too.

I say this as someone who’s dc had SEN and I know it hurts when they are excluded, but it is ok for them to learn that hurting other children has consequences.

I have SEN, my kids have SEN - I would invite all kids even if my kids weren't necessarily friends with them I didn't want them to feel excluded.

But those were also the kids which gave me the most stress at parties. Looking back I should have only invited the kids my kids liked.

If people could stop translating "not being invited" by "being EXCLUDED"
the world would be a better place. 😂

It's not about you, or the person not invited. Someone invited their favourites and you were not top of their list. Big deal.

I’d have also been telling the mum exactly what I thought too…..big enough to post lies on social media then she’s big enough to come talk to your face! I hate people like that!

You can invite who you want!! The whole class?? Parties are expensive! If 4 were left then that’s just unfortunate but Mumsnet is batshit sometimes!

What a dick move, excluding 4 kids out of the 14.

She's being a cow but that sort of posts and behaviour will make sure her kid never gets invited anywhere.

You have done nothing wrong and it's ridiculous to expect kids to invite their bully or someone they don't like. When it's adults, they are told not to ruin their weddings by inviting people they dont' want.

My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes totally normal!

It's a party, not everyone can be invited to everything.

If someone is keeping a spreadsheet to count how many are invited, and how many are not they are being over-involved and should get a life. Playing the "SEN" card instead of addressing the behaviour is the reason why these kids don't get invited.

Echo everyone else. Leaving out just 4 is not on at all. Up to half, girls, boys or all is the ‘rule’. Her social media post isn’t on either.

As a rule of thumb, unless you're inviting a whole class, if you don't want to upset children, the uninvited group should ideally not be the minority. And the smaller the minority they are, the more potential for upset there will be.

My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support

It sounds like you dropped the ball on this occasion.

Agree with everyone else, not good to invite 10 out of 14 when there wasn't a total of 10 allowed and even worse to leave that child out. Have overruled my children many times about parties and none have been spoiled as a result.
The mother doesn't sound very pleasant either though but people can get very, very upset when their child is excluded.

I think you should have invited the whole class - clearly had the space as you included non school friends so it’s not like you could only do 10 kids or something. I think it’s super uncomfortable for the 4 left out (though complaining on social media is annoying)

10/14 kids seems unfair on the other children regardless of reasons behind it. If party numbers were limited, you should have selected fewer people so the MAJORITY of the class or at least half is not attending.

Asking 10 out of 14 children in a class is bound to make some children feel excluded - I think that was mean and thoughtless. With a class that size, I'd say that your child should either pick 4 or 5 at the most, stick to just boys or girls, or invite the whole class.

I don't think the mother should have posted on social media, but I can see why she is upset for her child, I'm sure she'll be worried he'll be facing a whole lifetime of discrimination, and your actions have reinforced that belief.

Leaving out 4 from a class of 14 (how many boys left out versus girls?) is pretty bad form, especially as there was clearly space, which has been filled by other people. The line about inviting him if it was soft play doesn't fit with the fact you invited more than 14 people in total.

Instead of being defensive, can you understand why the parent and child are upset?

Your DC might get to choose, but you get to set the boundaries, so the blame and any guilt should end with you and not be passed on to the children. You should have given your DC some limitations when he made choices (either all boys, less than half the class or all...) to be totally fine with him inviting 10/14 is not teaching him to be kind at all.