Kids birthday party aibu

OP said that places were limited. Her DC chose the X people he most wanted at the party - it included 10 people who were in his class and a bunch of others he likes more than the 4 from his class that he didn't invite.

I'm a primary school teacher so I see the fall out of a few children being left out and obviously our whole ethos is about inclusion. I understand it's not always easy but I tell my own children it's either everybody or a small group.

It hurts so much to be one of the few excluded. It’s one of the biggest hurts for children

If it’s more than half the class, then yes that is pretty fecking dreadful OP. It doesn’t justify giving it full rantypants on SM, but I can kind of see where the other mum is coming from. It’s ALWAYS the SEND kids.

Although 2 hours on a coach full of noisy little darlings for a sport thing sounds like most SEND kids’ idea of hell on toast (and mine tbf), so perhaps they’ll be counting their blessings on the day itself.

Well guess what, sometimes you don't "make the cut"

Were any of these kids even their friend??

You're a real advocate for exclusion, aren't you?, given how many times you've posted on this one thread to push your message. I don't know which is sadder - this or the four children who were thoughtlessly left out.

She says 10 from school and some from different classes..., so I think most people take that as 10 from DC's class (of 14) and then others from other classes, not 10 from the whole school.

If there are only 10 places at the party then clearly you have to work out who is invited from the class and who isn’t. But there were a lot more than ten places so making the cut of four children from the class seems very pointed, and mean. I understand that the child with SEN has been unkind and that inviting him would be a push, but I think you could have approached it differently , explained to the mum that he was invited but that you expected her to also attend and to keep an eye on him and moderate his behaviour if necessary.

What were the reasons for not inviting the other three?

My sympathies are with you, OP. I don't think you mentioned in your post if parents were expected to stay at the party. Who would have been left to supervise this particular child had they struggled with the theme of the party and didn't want to participate? What if they had started with the name calling and foul language? I also wouldn't be insisting my child invite someone who had hurt them and their friends.

Totally agree - all this "well you clearly had space as you invited others not at the school" ?? Well, presumably those children were her DC's actual friends who they liked more than the ones in the class?

I would not make my child choose a class randomer they might not even like over an actual friend if I had a set number of spaces - they 100% get to choose!

I feel sorry for all the children of the posters on this thread who would force their child to invite their child's bully to their own birthday party. Talk about failing your kids. It doesnt matter if the perpetrator has SEN, it doesnt undo the harm being a victim of bullying causes. Would all those posters encouraging the OP to invite the violent child be so keen to invite a violent adult to their own parties?

If the child is hitting others and calling them names why on earth would their parent think they would be invited, SEN or not?

I think this is interesting. A couple of people have said something along the lines of 'how would you feel if you found out you were one of only four people at work not invited for lunch?', but I wonder if those people would feel obligated to invite to lunch a colleague who had previously been physically or verbally aggressive towards them?

I assume with it being early in the school year you're pretty sure you're the only one who's had a party so it's definitely about you?

I think 10 out of 14 is a bit dodgy if the kids are quite young, but becomes less of an issue as they get older.

At the same time, though, I don't really care how old a child who hurts my child is - they aren't getting invited to my child's birthday party (regardless of the reason for the hurting), even if that means they are the only child not invited.

I don't think YABU for the party. I do think YABU framing the mother's post as using "her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes" though. Parenting a child that hurts other children is lonely and hard, she may be unaware her DC wasn't the only one left out (and it may well have happened a fair bit previously, so it her expectation is that her DC is the only one). SM rants like that are more about looking for sympathetic connection than attention.

How would you feel if you child was one of only 4 not to be invited to a party?

If I read the OP right she didn't invite 10 from the same class.

My children also have small classes and are told by me to invite everyone or the party doesn’t happen. Up to them.

10 out of 14 is the vast majority. If the SEN asked a handful of children if they were going, chances are they will have said yes so you can see why she thinks he’s the only one.

I am guessing that the "outraged" posters are the same ones who complain about being left out from hideous "cliques" at the school gates (translate people exchanging 2 sentences on their way to work 😂)

and enjoy creating drama. What is it with Primary Schools that make people acting so strangely?

Kids already have to include everybody at playtime and for everything, good grief, let them enjoy 1 party with their friends. Who cares how many friends they invite from where? Their choice.

Totally agree with this.
We have always done full class invites, unless there is a genuine, justifiable reason. Or we would just do couple/a few of very best friends.
I think we need to teach our children that you don’t have to invite a child who hurts you or is unkind but that where possible, you are inclusive.

How is 10 from different classes appalling?

To everyone who thinks the OP is unreasonable...

Would you bump 4 of your friends from your own birthday/wedding /whatever guestlist to include 4 people you didn't like, one of whom swore at and physically assaulted you and your friends?

Can you honestly answer "yes" to that?
Why do children's feelings matter less than an adults in this scenario?

10 out of the whole school, fine. 10 our of a class of 14, not ok.

Well tbh if DC wants a party again I would invite who he wants regardless of how many are left out. I would do that on the basis of my current experience where half of them completely ignore the invitation.

10 out of 14 is appalling! Utterly appalling.

That's different to deliberately not inviting a small number