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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids birthday party aibu

387 replies

DippyDo3 · 22/09/2026 14:52

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

OP posts:
BuildbyNumbere · 22/09/2026 18:18

Not really fair to leave out 4 .., maybe if it was 50/50 would have been different, but I would have invited the additional 4 as likely some wouldn’t be able to make it anyway.
And of course the mother is going to use SEN as the reason he hasn’t been invited … and that is the reason, isn’t it?

TY78910 · 22/09/2026 18:18

whippersnapper55 · 22/09/2026 15:12

I think if there are only 14 kids in the class, I wouldn't have left out 4. If you invite 8 out of a class of 30, that's fine. The mum has overreacted, probably because her child was upset and none of us like to see our child feeling left out. Just ignore her post and move on - it will blow over.

Will it blow over though? Or will OP have a brand amongst the other parents now?

I do agree with other posters though - 10 out of 14 feels deliberate to people that don’t have the context.

Iris2020 · 22/09/2026 18:17

theneighbourgotmycake · 22/09/2026 17:45

I am pretty confident that it has happened to every single child at one point or another. The difference is the parents reaction to that non-event.

Show quote history

It does happen to SEN children all the time. It's compoundd by the end of SEN specific educational provision, meaning that children who do present behaviours that are detrimental to others such as physical violence, disruption and verbal violence are schooled in mainstream.

If you're a child whose school day is always disrupted by, and sometimes ruined by a child with SEN, the very last thing you want is to have to put up with them at your birthday party as well.

As the mum of a child who has many friends outside of school, I can see also how you'd want them to take priority over non close friends from school.

It is unfortunate to leave just 4 out and they will inevitably be hurt. It could have been avoided by saying 7 from school, 7 from other classes.

Ali2710 · 22/09/2026 18:16

I thought she meant 2 hour coach journey too and thought that was unreasonable!

MyEasterBonnet · 22/09/2026 18:16

I wouldn’t be inviting a kid that hurt mine and used foul language towards them either.

Original poster
DippyDo3 · 22/09/2026 18:16

15 party places.. 14 in a class.. we invited 9 from class (my child was the 10) the other 5 places for sibling, best friend (goes to a different school but attends activities), 2 other kids in school they play with every day and 1 from the activity that we see regularly. Yes we could have invited all the class but then they couldn’t have invited their best friend and other closer friends they have. In hindsight maybe should have selected less from school but im sure that would have caused some upset and i probably couldn’t win without booking a larger scale party to accommodate.. Wow so much party politics!

OP posts:
Iocanepowder · 22/09/2026 18:16

Gloriia · 22/09/2026 18:14

To exclude 4 out of 14 is awful. Class of 30 fine, not 14 particularly as one has special needs.

Teach your dc some social skills.

Said SEN child hurts Op’s child and other kids. Did you miss that?

Didntask · 22/09/2026 18:15

16usernamesin16years · 22/09/2026 17:32

If the child is hitting others and calling them names why on earth would their parent think they would be invited, SEN or not?

Right????

Gloriia · 22/09/2026 18:14

To exclude 4 out of 14 is awful. Class of 30 fine, not 14 particularly as one has special needs.

Teach your dc some social skills.

Didntask · 22/09/2026 18:13

Yanbu. Doesn't sound like your child and hers are friends, so I don't see the issue. I don't have to invite people I don't like to my parties, why should it be any different for a child? It's not yours, nor your child's obligation to make other children feel included. SEN or not, physical and verbal abuse shouldn't be tolerated. My ds is part of a very small school, 2 years to a class etc (his Y5/Y6 class only has 22 children in total) and he doesn't invite all the class, neither does he get invited to all the parties. I don't make a fuss about and neither does he. That's life!

Therainbowqueen · 22/09/2026 18:10

theneighbourgotmycake · 22/09/2026 16:02

Who are these posters trying to invent rules?

We teach our girls to stand up for themselves, and our boys too.
You invite who you want to invite. There's no such thing as "acceptable percentage"

It's so unfair to pretend that kids should suck it up and invite people they don't get on, instead of their own friends. Not everyone can invite the whole class, and it's fine.

Adults are such hypocrites, they won't invite someone they dislike in their own home or to their weddings, why should kids be different?

Exactly 👏

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2026 18:04

WhyArePiratesCalledPirates · 22/09/2026 17:57

I read this as out of the 14 party kids, 10 were from school with some of that 10 being from different classes.
In which case, yanbu and she is totally out of line.
However, if I read ot wrong and the class has 14 kids, of which you snubbed 4... yabvu and she is right to be hurt on her kids behalf and defensive tho social media rants are still not the way.

Her kid wasn't going to be invited no matter what because they had hurt OP's kid. Why does it matter if it was out of 4 or out of 10? I wouldn't expect an invite if my child had hurt theirs.

Matronic6 · 22/09/2026 18:02

I think it was a bit mean to exclude 4 of the class. But completely unreasonable for the mum to post this in social media.

Nopayrise · 22/09/2026 18:02

Yeah OP you need to clarify the “10 out of 14” thing. But also she might not have been referring to this party?!

WhyArePiratesCalledPirates · 22/09/2026 17:57

I read this as out of the 14 party kids, 10 were from school with some of that 10 being from different classes.
In which case, yanbu and she is totally out of line.
However, if I read ot wrong and the class has 14 kids, of which you snubbed 4... yabvu and she is right to be hurt on her kids behalf and defensive tho social media rants are still not the way.

Smallpoxy · 22/09/2026 17:56

10 out of 14 is just mean. Sorry.

Original poster
DippyDo3 · 22/09/2026 17:54

I think from reading the replies that people think the ratio was bad. But im glad others are of my
mindset.
My childs first words coming out of school for months were whether or not this particular child had hurt them that day or not and that broke my heart. They were adamant they didn’t want to invite them and i had to support them on that. I do feel the mum thinks its because her child has SEN but it has more to do with the violence and bad language. Around the time of planning there was a bad incident and some bad language used in the same week. If it makes me a bad person to not want my children to be exposed to that then so be it. I have sympathy for the parents of SEN children but surely it can’t be used as an excuse for bad behaviour.
It wasnt an ideal party with numbers but they really wanted this type of party. Il definitely have a rethink on ratios next year its hard to get it right when theres other factors such as friends from activities/siblings etc

OP posts:
Throwawaygh · 22/09/2026 17:51

An awful lot of people can’t read properly.

There were 14 spaces for the party. 10 of these spaces were filled by children from school (remaining 4 were friends from activities). Of these 10 from school it was a mix of class friends and other children from the school. Therefore less than 10 from a class so given average class sizes, probably less than half the class. Of which one mum took offence.

When younger, with hall parties I was always the more the merrier. All the class, friends from other classes and activities. Everyone could bring siblings if they needed / wanted to, and they would also be fed and take a party bag home. But, I think when the kids get older and the parties get more expensive/ special interest, it’s natural to limit numbers.

YANBU OP, it’s natural for the other mum to worry that SEN means her child is being left out. It’s not reasonable for her to make a passive aggressive post on Facebook on it. Personally, I’d confront her about it and point out her entitled attitude may have rubbed off on her child and be why they weren’t invited.

Badleg89 · 22/09/2026 17:48

I wouldnt have ever expected my child to invite someone that hurts them to a party, SEN or not. Yanbu

theneighbourgotmycake · 22/09/2026 17:45

Goldengirl123 · 22/09/2026 17:26

How would you feel if you child was one of only 4 not to be invited to a party?

I am pretty confident that it has happened to every single child at one point or another. The difference is the parents reaction to that non-event.

Robogob · 22/09/2026 17:44

10/14 is bad form. But YABU for saying “my child” a zillion times.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 22/09/2026 17:40

Do you mean you have invited 10 out of 14 from the class OR that only 14 allowed at party and 10 of those are from the class?

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/09/2026 17:40

viques · 22/09/2026 17:33

If there are only 10 places at the party then clearly you have to work out who is invited from the class and who isn’t. But there were a lot more than ten places so making the cut of four children from the class seems very pointed, and mean. I understand that the child with SEN has been unkind and that inviting him would be a push, but I think you could have approached it differently , explained to the mum that he was invited but that you expected her to also attend and to keep an eye on him and moderate his behaviour if necessary.

What were the reasons for not inviting the other three?

and the birthday child who doesn't want him there because he has hurt him? Why does another child's feelings come before their own when it's supposed to be their party?

I imagine the birthday child simply likes the other children he has invited more such as friends from activities etc. That's just how it goes.

HairyToity · 22/09/2026 17:38

Personally my child had one of:

  • the whole class
  • all the children in class of same sex
  • up to four close friends (so for my son that would have been four out of thirteen boys).

I can see how the misunderstanding has come about.

AmnesiacsDream · 22/09/2026 17:38

Vinvertebrate · 22/09/2026 17:35

If it’s more than half the class, then yes that is pretty fecking dreadful OP. It doesn’t justify giving it full rantypants on SM, but I can kind of see where the other mum is coming from. It’s ALWAYS the SEND kids.

Although 2 hours on a coach full of noisy little darlings for a sport thing sounds like most SEND kids’ idea of hell on toast (and mine tbf), so perhaps they’ll be counting their blessings on the day itself.

I think she means she hired a sports coach for 2 hours to play the sport with them.

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