Aibu to feel hurt by dh asking to go away so soon after my DM died

I don't think you are unreasonable and I also think you should be kind to yourself because in grief our emotions are absolutely all over the place. You may have contradictory as well as very intense feelings. Discombobulated is absolutely the word.

I think it is normal to want to be kept company and looked after by loved ones in moments of grief - even if not everyone would need that and we all have different feelings - maybe even a single one of us would have different needs in different bereavements; there's really no one size fits all when it comes to grief.

It's absolutely OK for him to sacrifice his trip away for you. It would have been more generous and compassionate if he had spontaneously offered rather than put it on you. Never mind. Let him now make that sacrifice, and let yourself accept it. All the best to you.

He was fine to ask. You were fine to change your mind and ask him to stay.

We were in the throes of moving house when MIL died. DH had to just get on with it. We couldn’t just opt out of all that was happening.

I understand this so much. I felt very unlike myself when my sister died suddenly.

I think it is ok to be discombobulated at a time like this. Be kind to yourself.

And your DH does sound considerate and kind.

Have you looked into grief counselling?

‘Looking after’ someone doesn’t have to mean ‘fussing’ over them. It can mean just being there so that they don’t feel lonely. Making sure there’s food in the fridge. Doing the housework, keeping on top of things so that they don’t have to deal with the every day while they’re grieving.

I'm sorry for your loss OP, but I'm afraid I think you're being unreasonable.

He asked you whether you wanted him to stay. You said 'No', so he planned to go. Then you said that actually you did want him to stay, so he cancelled and is now staying at home with you.

She wasn't his DM. He is not grieving. He had plans, which he has changed to support you. Not all grieving people want company - some want space. It sounds like he was giving you the option.

It's okay to be indecisive - it's a known element of grief to not know what you want - but I think he's behaved entirely appropriately.

When you are bereaved, you need what you need and there doesn’t have to be a rational explanation for it. You want your DH to be home because your mum has died. I think it was fine for him to ask, and fine for you to say actually can you stay home. It’s one of those rare times in life where you truly need to be gentle with yourself and others should be gentle with you. Sorry for your loss OP.

I think maybe you are being a little bit unreasonable, but that's OK. It's normal to be a bit unreasonable from time to time after the death of a parent.

I think it was OK for him to ask if you would mind him going. Provided he was genuine about being happy to cancel if you didn't want to go, and he doesn't in any way make you feel bad about it. Some people might not have minded him going, in which case it would be silly for him to cancel.

Please just accept that he has chosen to stay with you and stop questioning it. Be kind to yourself but try to be accepting of him too. If he is a good, genuine guy then he won't have wanted to hurt you.

This. A lot of men are stupid. “If you don’t want me to go I won’t”. The words should not have left his gormless mouth to begin with. The man needs to learn to read the room.

Other posters are arguing that not everyone needs looking after. It’s not about looking after her, the timing is inappropriate. Missing out on one weekend isn’t a huge sacrifice.

Sorry but I would have absolutely HATED for my DH to do this when my dad died. His death was already out of my control, I would have found it really upsetting for DH to just take everything else out of my control as well without asking.

OP’s DH did exactly the right thing - he asked what she wanted him to do and what she needed. And then he did that.

But he asked if it would be ok if he went initially because the weather looked good so his intention was to go ahead if you said it was ok. Personally, I think his intention should’ve been to stay at home and support you, if needed. Then if you didn’t feel you needed support, then you could’ve said no it’s fine, I want you to go

There was nothing that anyone could have said or done to make me feel any better or worse when I lost my parents so I probably would have been fine with this and appreciated some time to myself, or to see a close friend or something.

Neither of you are being unreasonable at all. It's just a very mixed up time with feelings all mixed up and over the place. 💐

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think unless this is just one example of generally problematic behaviour I wouldn’t think too much about it. I personally would prefer to be left alone for a few days so my husband would be right to ask what I think. Obviously depends a lot on your relationship and what your history is.

When my abusive family member died I wouldn’t have wanted my husband to do any of that. With complex relationships, things are often not even clear to the bereaved person so even more unclear to others around them. Therefore it’s good to ask. He asked and is now staying.

And my bar is very, very high!

So sorry for your loss OP.

As someone who has lost both parents and a husband, I wouldn’t have been annoyed at a genuine question like that.

But we all react differently 🌷

But lots of people wouldn't want their partners to do any of that.

Everyone reacts differently to grief and it's really not fair to assume that other people have a "low bar" just because they don't want the same things as you.

You’re not wrong AT ALL. I think it’s displaced grief/anger, which is totally normal.

You’re probably going to feel all over the place in the next few weeks so try not to worry as it’s all a normal part of the grieving process.

Everyone is different and there’s no right or wrong way to do these things.

Allow yourself to feel upset and if you need your partner to hug you or to give you space, try and tell him. He’s not going to know what you need from him at any given point otherwise, and lean on him if you need to.

Honestly, the bar is so low for men. My abusive father died, and the insanely complex feelings were really difficult. My DH, without me asking, called both of our jobs, both schools, arranged travel to another country and took over handling my daughter's birthday party which he arranged the flights around. Then packed all the bags and made sure the children had appropriate funeral clothes. He even bought me new tights when he realised mine had a hole. You need to express that he should take on more but some men are dumb and think unless their wife is in a coma, they are okay to handle everything.

Why are you annoyed he asked, @Rememberdragons? Is it because you wouldn't ask if the situation was reversed and are annoyed he hasn't behaved in the same way?

Unless you are obviously in a state of MH crisis I really can’t see any harm in him asking. In the same situation I would have been okay with my dh going. My mum died on a Thursday and I actually started a new job on the Monday after my mum died - I had little choice as I needed the money and couldn’t risk the job being withdrawn. It wasn’t nice but I coped.

People react very differently to loss of a close relative and your dh was not wrong to ask. Please don’t be cross with him

This is how I view it too - when people have spent a lot of their life estranged or low contact with their family then a death makes things much more complex. I think he was completely reasonable to ask and now he is acquiescing with your request. The fact he is doing as you have requested should be enough to stop you being annoyed with him for wanting to go in the first place, but in terms of you feeling responsible for him not going, well you can't have it both ways.

He’s asked if you minded him going because he probably has no clue how you’ll be feeling due to the up and down of the relationship you had with your mother. You’ve asked him to stay and he is. I don’t think he’s unreasonable to ask when your relationship with her for most of your life wasn’t a close one and even more recently, it’s only been over the phone.

I think you're being extremely unfair on him. I can't believe you're actually stopping him from going. What is he actually going to be doing sat at home?

Pretty much the first thing I did after my brother rang and told me mother had died, was to tell my husband to go the gym. He had been on the point of leaving when the call came.

His not going wouldn't have brought my mother back and I wanted time on my own to take in the news.