Aibu to feel hurt by dh asking to go away so soon after my DM died

What can he do if he stays at home? I can't imagine ever asking my husband to change his plans in such a circumstance - even if I'm having a bad time, I can deal with it on my own, and there's no point in both of us being disrupted.

@Rememberdragons my DF also died last Thursday so I am exactly where you are in terms of timing. Discombobulated is precisely the term I used yesterday- it’s this awful limbo period isn’t it? The initial shock of it has faded but the reality hasn’t sunk in. Just try and give yourself grace - you’ll be all over the place for a bit I suspect - and sleep whenever you can. I can’t get enough at the moment so make sure you’re giving yourself the opportunity to catch up on rest. Sending solidarity.

You have just lost your mother. Clearly you require the support of your husband at this time, (irrespective of the type of relationship you had with her).
Supporting each other is what marriage is about. I don’t understand the yabu vote.

I think Yabu, but it’s ok to be unreasonable as your mum just passed away and the relationship was complex at best. I think the annoyance at him asking stems more from the fact that life goes on rather than anything he did. He didn’t put anything on you other than to express your own wishes which can be super difficult in your situation. So yes you were unreasonable but that’s ok and only natural. It is infinitely better that he checked in on your wishes and did not assume you’d want this or that. Ignore the posters saying men need to just take control and do do do. That’s not what most women want. We want to be asked and listened to, your DH has done that.

I’m really sorry for your loss OP.

But given that you don’t have any caring responsibilities I think YABU to be cross that he asked. There really isn’t anything he can do by staying, you hadn’t seen her in 18months and it was over a week ago. Kindly, life goes on and no one wants to intrude on someone else’s grief. You need to work through your feelings on your own and he can’t help you with that. Tbh he would probably be glad of the break from the heavy atmosphere at home.

I don’t think he was wrong to ask but I do completely understand why it’s caused mixed feelings for you. Grief is complex at the best of times but I think it can be even more so when the relationship with the person who has passed was complicated when they were alive.

I’m sorry for your loss, op.

It's also incredibly patronising towards the person you're referring to.

Is it really such a shock to some posters that we're all different and have different opinions on what is and isn't okay?

There's such an obsession with measuring everyone's "bars" on here!

It's such a condescending cliché and a really lazy expression to trot out all the time.

Sorry for your loss.
I don't think he is being unreasonable.
People grieve differently and as you have had a turbulent relationship with your mum he perhaps isn't sure how it would affect you hence him still thinking and asking about going on his trip.
This last year at work 2 colleagues have experienced the death of a parent. One was signed off work for about a month, the other was in work the next day and very matter of fact about it and how there was no point being home and nothing more they could do.

Dh had a lads trip booked a few weeks after my Mum died. It wasn't sudden but she was young and it was all very tragic and awful. He asked if he should go or stay and I said to go. I didn't want to spend time with him and really wanted the quiet of the house, we didn't have kids at the time. I was exhausted, up and down to the hospital for weeks and keeping vigil, constant contact with extended family members etc. I needed space to process and someone minding me asking me if I was OK and what I wanted wasn't really what I wanted.

I don't think he was wrong to suggest it. I don't think you are wrong to say no. I don't think he should resent you for asking him to stay and I don't think you should resent him for asking to go. I think no one is wrong here and I hope you are OK OP with him supporting you.

I think to would have been better if he assumed he wasn't going and let you know he'd cancelled rather than asked if he could go. However he did say he would stay and he is so I wouldn't be too pissed off.

A man asking his wife if he can go on a weekend away with his mates 4 days after her mother died? It is inappropriate by most norms.

It’s not about the wife needing or wanting him around. Asking her if he is ‘allowed’ to go and pushing that responsibility onto her during this time is thoughtless. Because if she did feel strongly that she needed him there she would have been placed in a position of guilt and awkwardness for forbidding him. She doesn’t need to feel like a mother telling in this scenario, it should not have been brought to her attention in the first place, if he had any compassion within him he’d have quietly declined the invite from friends and she’d have been none the wiser.

I think it's OK he asked what you wanted (although might have been nicer if he'd said "shall I stay?" rather than "can I go?")

And it's good you were able to communicate that you'd like him to stay, and he is

Try not to be too hard on him, or yourself. Grief is tough

When my abusive father died, I would have murdered my partner if he unilaterally decided I didn't need/want to go to work and arranged for all of us to attend a funeral abroad instead. It's a good job he actually asked what, if anything, I needed from him.

Whereas I see that as him wanting to go but didn’t want to look like the arsehole. So he passed the responsibility to the OP to give the OK.

Except he's not 'obviously in the wrong' as a lot of posters on here don't agree that he was in the wrong for asking a question.

Sounds complicated, he may genuinely be asking you for your opinion as he isn't sure. I guess every relationship is different and context is everything. What's the rest of your marriage like? What's he usually like in gauging your and other people's moods and social norms?

I am sorry for your loss, however, I think yabu. My dad died many years ago, so I know what it is to lose a parent. My fil died 2 weeks ago and dh drove to his home country the following day to sort the funeral and get all affairs in order. I couldn’t go with him. Dd was just about to start university, so I was left to move her.

In your situation, having adult children, I would probably like a couple of days alone to process. You would not. We are all different. And it’s ok that you couldn’t immediately vocalise how you’re feeling.

I had the same fraught relationship with my mother, only she lived with us the past 20 years

She passed very quickly in March , she was diagnosed and dead within 3 weeks - so very quick

Dh has been a tad insensitive at times I feel. But hes lived with me and mum doing constant battle so hes thinking Im more relieved its all over and we can get our lives back, yet Im struggling - a lot more then I ever thought I would

I really can not even express to myself how Im feeling at times, let alone get it through to him. Hes a lovely man really but everything is black and white to him, and I thought it was to me as well . And yet here I am

I wouldn't have been annoyed at the question , my Dh would have to asked for fear or doing wrong for doing right at the moment

He didn't need a crystal ball as he already knew his wife's mother had just died.

He was very insensitive and absolutely is in the wrong here.

YANBU.

@Rememberdragons, you might consider to tell him that you are grateful that he cancelled his plans in order to be nearby for you, and that you love him (assuming you do of course), and your feelings are going back and forth all over the place.

It should help him to feel appreciated and to head off any potential resentment that might otherwise develop within him regarding your completely understandable change of heart. So could then make it easier for him to remain supportive.

I think I would be hurt by him still wanting to go rather than being with me in a time of need because I know that if the roles were reversed I wouldn't even contemplate going.

I'd also be sad that he put the onus on me to make that choice by asking me if it was OK for him to go, because it should be his choice, not mine/yours.

In that situation I would expect a decent partner to make it clear they would cancel and be there for you, BUT if you were happy for them to go and state that after then it can be a mutual decision. If that makes sense?

But not everyone agrees that the timing is inappropriate, isn't that the point?

Many people would be happy for some time alone to grieve after the death of a parent, or to be able to go and stay with other family. Not everyone wants or needs their partner around at a time like this.

I think he INBU asking you, especially if you had a tricky relationship with her and said you’d be estranged if circumstances ‘allowed’- but good you were honest and said you’d prefer he to stay and help support you. If he starts stropping and behaving petulantly, just remind him why you need him there and to check his behaviour (sounds like he won’t).

I do think you are being a little BU being annoyed that you told him to stay. You mention displaced grief, discombobulation, sadness and anger. All normal. All complex. Most spouses would want to support their OH in these circs.

As I also said a few days ago on a different thread, no matter the relationship it cuts different when our mothers die. It just does. So be kind and no expectations of yourself OP. Day by day.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐

I don’t think either of you is unreasonable. There’s no harm at this stage of grief in having a little break away or him asking you, and there’s no issue if you don’t fancy it. We’ve recently had a sudden, unexpected and very shocking loss of a child in our family and those affected were due to go away the following weekend, and they continued with their plans to just have some peace and quiet. Wouldn’t have been for everyone but it’s what you need in the moment that’s what matters. Encourage him to still go and say he deserves his break too and you’ll be happy puttering about at home, if that’s how you feel!