Aibu to feel hurt by dh asking to go away so soon after my DM died

Anybody see the recent thread where the husband's mum was dying in hospital and the OP (the wife) had tickets for a concert. The overwhelming response was that she should go to the concert. His Mum etc.
Perhaps men should raise their bar. Although the husband was clear that he wanted his wife to enjoy herself and she should not suffer.

I wouldn't have expected him to drop everything he was planning to do, unless the funeral was on the same date. Sounds like he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't regarding the asking though.

It would never occur to me to ask him not to go. It is nice that he is staying with you.

She hasn't said he's going with mates, he could be, but it sounds like a fishing trip to be honest, some people go alone, some people go as a group.

The point is you're making out he's dumping OP to go out on a jolly with his mates with zero thought, when actually he seems to have been planning this hobby trip for weeks, and for all we know may have even put it off while her mum has been ill.

IMO life goes on, I've lost both parents, and I'm very pragmatic about it, people die, the world continues to spin, I'd have been okay with this personally, as being in physical proximity to people isn't the same to me as feeling supported, and I would have felt bad DH missing out on the last good weekend of the year, just to sit around with me while I mope, but everyone is different and that's okay, he's asked and he's more than respected her wishes.

Only YOU really know how you are feeling OP, so he was right to ask IMO.

Yes a hobby with either mates and/or acquaintances. He won’t be alone will he, and it’s a social trip.

Is that all you took from this? What’s your point exactly?

He absolutely is not wrong for asking, on the proviso that he accepts what you tell him you need from him with no fuss.. which is exactly what has happened.

When my mum and later, my dad died I'd have been glad for the peace and quiet for a few days, but everyone is different, DH being gone for two days would have absolutely no difference to my grieving process, in fact I would have felt better knowing he wasn't putting his life on hold for me.

Plus, it is supposed to be a lovely weekend, which is probably why he asked, even though the timing isn't great, as after mid September the weather usually nosedives and that is it for the rest of the year.

This

These men need to stop “asking for permission” and engaging their own brains. Obviously it’s inappropriate to go away for a hobby just after your Mum has died.

He needed to engage his brain, think “no I need to be there for my wife” and then just say not. Not ask you to make that decision for him and be the bad guy.

I have recently lost a parent and would have no problem with my DH having time away so soon after. Life goes on. What would he do if he was at home? I’m asking that genuinely.

The day my parent died I did the school run, went to Brownies. My DH worked. I think it can depend on the circumstances. A sudden awful accident when they have been taken too soon is different to an elderly parent who has been ill for a long time passing away IMO.

Where does it say he’s going for a weekend with his mates?

All the OP has said is that it’s a hobby that is weather dependent.

I don’t think he should’ve asked you

You’re not really in a position to think about all the nuances of even being asked

And no matter what the situation you have experienced a loss and I’m sorry for that

I would be happy for my oh to go tbh. I lost someone very close this week and I am looking forward to some me time where I can wallow or watch Netflix in peace

Also life does go on he's been supportive of you. I think yabu

I think he did everything right. He asked you, you said yes, then you thought about it and decided it's actually no, so he's staying.

Sounds like a healthy relationship in which you are given a chance to express your needs and he respects them. I don't think expecting him to be psychic and know what you want is reasonable though, particularly in such a complex relationship.

He’s been planning this for weeks waiting for the right weather

he asked

no small kids to look after

I don’t see harm in him asking or going

guessing needs to be dryiSh

sorry for your loss 💐

If DH had called my work after my father died I would have considered divorce.

Which goes to show that there is no general right answer only the specific right answer for the individuals involved.

Ultimately OP if you feel it was an unhelpful question and that he should have known you better than to have even broached the subject then it was the wrong thing for him to do.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong. Nobody knows what they will need in grief till they are there but having understanding people around is key.
When my PILs were dying and in the aftermath of their deaths what DH needed was for me to run everything else so he could focus on them and then himself.
I have no idea what I will need when the time comes for my own parents. I expect I will want to be by myself but I just don't know.

If you had children to look after he probably wouldn’t have wanted to go and leave you having to care for them whist grieving. However, as this is not the case, I can’t see why he wouldn’t go. How is him staying changing the situation for you?

YANBU OP so sorry for your loss. I am just like you say yes to something, that really feels insensitive and then process it later. I'm really glad that he is staying to support you. Even complex relationships bring all sorts of feelings to the surface.

I think it’s fine to ask after a week or so, but yoire not ready and need him there emotionally, so it’s also fine he stays . Don’t focus on this, no one is in the wrong.

He doesn't have to do anything, he can simply be there for her.

Of course the OP is capable of ‘dealing with it on her own.’ Most of us can cope with all sorts of horrible things on our own if we have to.

That doesn't mean the OP should have to, or that it's unreasonable to expect her DH to prioritise being with her a matter of days after a parent has died.

I’m sorry for your loss.
Im guessing you are experiencing ‘complicated grief’ because of your complicated relationship with your mother.
I think your husband has done the right thing. He asked you as he probably didn’t know whether you’d need/ want him around or not. He is now saying he will stay because you said you want him to. I think he is being reasonable, you not so much, This is totally understandable in your situation so please don’t beat yourself up over it.
It sounds like he is there for you in whatever way you want him to be and you can’t expect any more than that.

After my mum died I knew my partner wouldn’t be good with emotional support. It’s just not his strength. I gave him a list of other things to do regarding a side business I run so couldn’t get out of. Basically just the absolutely necessary phone calls and emails.
We don’t live together. I have lots of friends for emotional support so didn’t need that.
What I did need that I didn’t get was someone to sort food for me and my son for a couple of weeks as we were just too upset to be able to do that. So we ate rubbish for several weeks. Even the thought of it now makes me feel gross. So if my partner lost his mum I would want to be around and would go round and sort food for him even if he couldn’t always eat it.

so I think it’s fair enough you want your
husband around. I have 3 siblings and all their partners cooked for them at this time.

Maybe Im just a very food orientated person but that was what I struggled with. Not the funeral arrangements as my mum would want her children to have sorted that. Not partners.

So if he ends up going and you can’t get your head around food then just have cereal or take aways. If he stays I would allocate him that task for a couple of weeks and encourage him to re book his trip for a few weeks time.

I’ve lost my parents and my DH. I didn’t want anyone fussing around me - I wasn’t ill, I just needed time to grieve.

If this had happened when we had no children I would prefer DH to go because I'd probably enjoy some solitude. Nowadays I'd need him to stay to look after DS8 who is a mega-ball of energy. We're all different but I would expect DH not to ever EVER put the decision on me and say "I won't go if you want me to stay".

I find it fascinating that you think this is about how much he cared about her mother, and not how much he cares about her? Regardless of whether it’s reasonable for him to go or not, of course it’s not about his relationship with her mother?