Aibu to feel hurt by dh asking to go away so soon after my DM died

I’m sorry you lost your mum too. But it’s important to remember that everyone deals with grief in a way that’s personal to them, and not everyone needs their partner by their side.

This

Sorry for your loss OP. Grief is complicated and I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable here. I think particularly in view of the complicated relationship you had with your mum, it’s understandable that your partner would ask you what you wanted. Nobody is a mind reader, and our reactions are all different. You wanted your partner to stay with you, and he has cancelled his arrangements to provide the support you need, and hopefully he was happy to do this. Other people may not have needed this though, some people cope by being busy, in other cases where a loved one has been unwell for a long time, the grieving has already been an ongoing process. You aren’t at all unreasonable for asking him to stay because this is what you needed.

As the saying goes - try to be kind to yourself and not put too much pressure on yourself to be feeling a particular way because you think that’s what you ought to be feeling.

When my dm passed it was easier to be on my own with my own thoughts. I went away for a few days, slopped in my pyjamas, drank wine and ugly cried without everyone around. My DDs were preteens so I didn’t want them getting upset, I just wanted the release of grief.
Go get him to book those few days away.
I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

Exactly this.

Supporting her?? I lost my mum recently and I would have been really upset if my DH had asked to go away. Op is grieving, she needs her partner with her.

It's not up to you how OP feel though is it, it was me that said potentially abusive after OP said she was sometimes low contact with her mum "due to her actions", the reason I mention it is because complicated parental relationships can be hard to reconcile when they are gone, no more, no less, it wasn't a commentary on what their relationship was in the present.

Saying OP doesn't care about her mum, so shouldn't care she is gone is just a stupid thing to say, when her posts say that she does care, and she for the last couple of years speaking to her at least 3 times a week and VERY obviously has complicated feelings towards their relationship.

I would have wanted my DH to still go on the trip, but can understand why others would feel differently, you seem completely devoid of empathy, or you have a severe comprehension issue.

My OH wouldn't have even asked, he'd have wanted to be around even it was just to maintain SOME normality and routine for me. No OTT support and even if I didn't need a shoulder to cry on. Just to be there as "normal".

So many of these husbands are so brain dead.

It seems obvious and logical to me that in the immediate aftermath of a parent dying my partner would want emotional support and I would want to be on hand for that. A hobby can wait. Good Lord I do not get it. Well if it was an hour or two maybe I would be fine but the weekend?

Strewth.

Sorry, I go by actions, not by words or emotions. Also, far too many children talk about 'abusive' parents when parents were not abusive. And we immediately go 'oh, how awful, abusive mum'. I don't buy it every single time, sorry.

Im sorry for your loss.
I dont think asking is a bad thing.
You dont know what someone wants, even your spouse, in these situations. You dont even know yourself what you want when you lose a parent.
Before my dad died I would likely have said id want my husband to stay close for comfort and support, but when it happened what I actually wanted was to be left completely alone. I didnt speak to anyone for a couple of days.

I think asking is better than assuming

It sounds like he misjudged the situation but is trying to do the right thing for you both. Grief is complicated, everyone reacts differently, and it's impossible to know how you'll feel on any given day, so don't be too hard on yourself or on him.

Having lost both parents i really don't see the issue. What on earth do you want from him ?

Bit of an odd take, I'm very practical when it comes to death, but someone like your mum suddenly passing away can have a big impact, even if you don't have a close relationship, it sounds like OP was trying to make in roads to having a better relationship with her mum after an extremely troubled past with her being quite abusive from the sounds of it, to suddenly lose that relationship you've worked hard to build can be very hard.

All children want to be loved and accepted by their parents, and often time they never stop hoping that somewhere inside their parent will just welcome them with open arms, to lose that chance at the relationship you've always wanted can be worse than losing the person, at least while they are alive you can still hope.

Calling her a stranger to OP though is just insulting at this point.

I didnt know how to vote. You were unreasonable to be annoyed with him for asking, how would he know what you wanted if he didnt ask.

You were completely reasonable to say you wanted him there and that you needed him to stay.

Firstly so sorry for your loss, it sounds hard and you are bound to be struggling with a mish mash of feelings right now, especially with the difficult history you had with your DM.

Re: your husband, i think its a bit unfair for you to be annoyed at him for "putting you in this position"'. You said he'd been planning a trip for weeks and that your mum passed away unexpectedly. He is not a mind reader though, surely asking is exactly the right thing to do rather than assume either way? You may well have wanted him to give you space, or you may have wanted him close, i don't think there is a "right" answer in this circumstance, only an honest one.

I can relate to why it seems a bit shitty though, because his world is still turning, whereas for you right now, everything has changed. And it's really isolating when you realise its just you whose world has been turned upside down by things whilst even those closest to you are still consumed by their own stuff.

Big hugs x

Be kind to yourself OP.

You are grieving, but it's complicated grief because of the history.

I honestly don't think your husband was unreasonable to ask. He had been planning it for a while, but it was weather dependent, so he didn't have complete control over the timing.

I know you didn't say "you can't go" but saying you were annoyed about it kind of equates to the same thing.

I think you could have handled it better, and under other circumstances you probably would have done. So be kind to yourself, and to your DH who sounds a good man from your description. 💐

This! I can't believe all the YABU votes. Sorry for your loss OP. 💐

If you need his support then I think you should be able to ask him to be around while you're feeling so fragile.

I think maybe just say to him that you really appreciate that he is now staying home. That you wouldn't usually even consider asking him to but it's been really hard to process and it means a lot that he is there for you.

It’s strange the ways people will twist situations to find fault.

Trip was in the planning, this weekend seemed suitable for it, he asked if she was ok with him doing it and she said no, he said that’s fine. His intention clearly was to stay home if she needed it, but in order for that to be ascertained, he needed to ask the question. I have no idea whether I’d want my husband to stay or not in that situation but I’d have absolutely no problem with him asking if he was able to take a trip. It sounds like he’s done the right thing. The alternative was, he just didn’t think about going, OP didn’t need him to stay and the opportunity was wasted. What good is that?

YABVVVVU. He didn’t say he was still going. He said it was up to you, not knowing what you would want. That’s literally the best thing he could’ve done.

@Rememberdragonsyou should have a chat with the recent poster who wanted to go to a concert whilst her DHs mother was dying… would help her put some perspective on her “dilemma”

Where did the OP say she did not care? She said it’s her mum, she loved her and she misses her and she’s grieving, in spite of them having a difficult relationship. I can’t believe how heartless some people are on here!

If your husband is your only support right now, the only friend you would see over the weekend he plans to go away, I could understand why he now feels you can't be left alone after getting upset about the question.

It does feel stressful when you're grieving and people want you to make decisions for things all the time - especially if you have a funeral or other legal things to arrange - it can feel overwhelming. But him going on a pre-planned trip is not insensitive or inconsiderate.

Maybe this is more to do with the anger that life goes on in spite of your loved one's death. We often want to stay in limbo for a while, and expect the world to do the same. You want to ask everyone to stop their lives. But you know it doesn't work that way.

The OP by her own account had a shit relationship with her dm. She did not care - read her post. So if she did not care, why should he care about OP's feelings about the passing of a stranger, to all intents and purposes. I should have phrased it better - I should have said 'Why should the impact of a perfect stranger's passing on her dh be bigger than the impact of a perfect stranger's passing (to all intents and purposes) on the daughter?