Aibu to feel hurt by dh asking to go away so soon after my DM died

What an awful and cold response. I can’t believe how little empathy and compassion people can have.

When you are grieving you do not need to be asked to make decisions for a spouse who was a grown-up and should know what to do.

My mother died a couple of months ago and we had a complicated relationship too so you have my condolences and also, I feel you.

I disagree with the majority in that I don’t think you are unreasonable and suspect a majority have not experienced complex grief and have NO IDEA. I had a grief counselling appointment today and they described complex grief as very complicated to work through. It made me feel validated and also, acknowledged the heaviness that is carried as a person with a non-typical relationship with their mother. People are much more comfortable in allowing people to have typical grief which is shit.

He's done nothing wrong. He asked first which was thoughtful of him.

I’d be happy for him to get away for a bit, but you clearly feel differently.

Stop turning this into a battle of the sexes thing.

I'd have been furious had my DH taken control of things when my father died. I'd have found your DH's actions infuriatingly presumptuous. My DH took a back seat and just supported me in whatever I needed him to do and however I needed him to be.

Likewise when his dad died, I just managed our family stuff to free him to be with his mum and sister and do what had to be done.

Oh, and just so you know, it was your words there that provoked this response, as well as your action in posting it on the thread of a grieving woman.

Jesus fucking Christ. What a horrible post.

It sounds like you’ve had a lot of hard choices to make in your life. Don’t beat yourself up for asking for help. Don’t change your mind either - your instinct said stay, so get him to stay. After a life of being strong, it’s okay to need help. It doesn’t matter what others here say. When my grandmother dies, I’ll be at my mum’s side, despite the fact she was abusive to my mum. So what if the dead person was problematic? He ought to wait for you to say boo, and some part of you said I need you, so believe it. It might be the part that knows when the dust settles you’re going to need a hand. Be prepared to take that hand. Yes, he shouldn’t have needed to be told, but it’s a complicated situation to read, and he’s doing the right thing now. Don’t push that away, you’ll only end up with both of you feeling like you did wrong. Wishing you all sympathies.

Apologies, I got the wrong end of the stick. Genuine apologies.

Totally agree

I think this is the thing for me, it's the correct weather conditions for his hobby, which may be the last weekend in the year to be right for it, in which case I would want him to go.

He isn't choosing to disregard OPs feelings, it's just awkward timing, and in all fairness as shown by the thread, some people would be fine with him going away under the circumstances, so he was right to pose the question.

I think he’s been really, really selfish and thoughtless. Frankly, if this was my partner I’d be disgusted and I wouldn’t be able to see him in the same way again.
I’m very sorry for your loss x

It’s obv the right weather conditions and as I said he’s been planning it for weeks. And obv hasn’t been the right weather

it’s not like it op can say stay but go next week

it may be another few weeks /month till the right conditions

that’s why I think he should go

Bit late now. He will feel bad if he goes and you will feel bad if he stays. I suppose you wanted him to just say he wouldn't be going. He asked because he didn't know what you would want, which is very reasonable.

But OP clearly does. And I was answering the ridiculous question of what he would be doing if he stayed at home.

I'm really surprised by some of the reactions on here. The DH isn't a mind reader he asked what OP thought and acted accordingly.

My DM died last year. It was distressing but I didn't need DH doing anything for me. I wouldn't have been bothered if he'd gone away because him being there wouldn't have made any difference to my grief. The most important people to me at that point were my siblings.

I agree. He knew it was a shitty move but he put the burden of the decision on the OP, knowing she very well might be upset. A caring partner would not bring it up.

I think OP is right to be annoyed.

I’d be very upset op, in fact I’d be livid. I’m sorry for your loss.

It wouldn’t bother me. Him being there wouldn’t change anything. I might even like a couple of days to wallow in my grief alone. Old people die, life goes on. It sounds cold hearted but that’s how I see it.

I think YABU because I don’t think it is unreasonable of your DH to ask at all, especially as he was very clear he would stay if you weren’t ok with him going (and it seems he is genuinely agreeable to staying).

everyone deals with grief differently- some people would appreciate the time to themselves. Others, like you, don’t want peace and space but company. There is not a right or wrong, in all honesty. Your husband is not unreasonable to ask, he’s not “putting you” in an unreasonable position and you can’t be angry because someone does not behave exactly as you would- it’s just not reasonable to expect your way to be the only one.

I think you are over-reacting because of grief. It is fine for you to ask your DH to stay, he’s agreed to do so and it does not seem that he’s done so grudgingly. Perhaps stop, take a deep breath and decide what you want him to do. If it’s to stay with you, just be honest and accept his offer to stay.

Exactly this.

Saying what’s he going to be doing sat at home is a ridiculous stance to take. By that logic then, whats the point of having your DH there when you give birth? They can’t actually do anything so why bother being there at all. Just crack on and do it alone!

I'm sorry for your loss. It's probably anger as a stage of grief. What's he going to do if he stays home? Let him go.