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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband not pulling the weight? Or I am having unrealistic expectations?

30 replies

Wonderlands123 · 22/09/2026 10:14

So I'm in charge of the finance and general house admin, school communications, shopping etc. DH often does 1 school run / day, check some of children homework, a bit of tidy up & grocs shopping and bedtime story. (we have a cleaner a couple of times a week so just need to clean up after the meals). Apart from that, he doesn't take notice when things need to be done and only does things when being told to. Children come to me for most things . I feel like carrying the mental load for the whole family.

When we both worked full time, it didn't feel massively unfair as he earned twice or 3 times as much as me and his job was probably more demanding than mine.

Now as he has just been made redundant. He's been glued to his desk and computer as he's trying to learn new skills and find a job.
I am expecting as he's now not having a job, he should be doing a lot more housework / being on top of the children's schedules but he claims that he's still working very hard to find job and support the family. He says he also does a lot of housework during the day when I'm at work and can't see it.

I start to feel resentful, for example: going home after work and I mainly do the cooking. He would approach and ask do I need any help, but surely if he's around all day he could have planned dinner himself not wait until I get home? Then he knows he needs to clean up afterwards with the children, but then he claims that he feels exhausted after the meals so he needs to lie down for half an hour before doing any work. I therefore feel the ick and often just do it myself. I know if I ask him to cook he would or if I leave the mess he will do it eventually but I get fed up being an organizer for everything.

I've talked about how I feel and he acknowledged said he will try his best to improve, but it's a slow process. In the mean time, I'm getting a bit impatient and frustrated and this is not a good atmosphere for the family.

He is otherwise a faithful, loving husband. In general I think he doesn't expect or want me to do more housework than him. He'd rather the house is messy, or we eat takeaways. He thinks I simply have higher standards and higher expectations than him.

YABU = I am having unrealistic expectations
YANBU = Husband not pulling the weight

OP posts:
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Gobbledegoo · 22/09/2026 18:06

DH did shift work most of the time: Lates (2pm-10pm), earlies (6am-2pm), nights (10pm-6am), days (7am-4pm). I worked FT normal office hours and didn't get home until 6 or 6.30pm. We had 2 DC at Secondary School. He cooked a lot, prepared the veggies (and cooked his own meal) lates, cooked the meal mostly on the other shifts. Did a lot of the gardening/decorating/looking after pets etc. I did shopping, laundry, admin etc.

GordanoServices · 22/09/2026 17:44

Honestly @Wonderlands123 he is taking the piss. We’re in a very similar situation. My DH been made redundant from high paying job at least 4x my salary. He spends time every day on looking for a job and speaking to his network but is also totally on it with the laundry, kids homework and cooking. Plus kids doctor appointments, extra admin. It’s not perfect. There’s stuff he still just doesn’t know needs doing. But he’s 100% making the effort. Thing is, he cares. He likes a neat tidy house, and enjoys cooking. That’s why I’m still with him.

OtherKidsEh · 22/09/2026 14:43

Have you thought about "working late" a few nights a week and letting him get on with dinner and the kids and leaving him to sort the mess in the morning on those days?

If he was single and had no kids, he would he expected to have a job and do all of the life admin, cooking and cleaning, so why does "earning more" ever equate to doing less at home? The problem is thst he always has and has done exactly what you said: opted out.

GordanoServices · 22/09/2026 14:25

Wonderlands123 · 22/09/2026 11:27

He'll actually be totally okay with it. It doesn't bother him as much if he has to feed the children a couple of fast food meals or leaves the mess a day or 2 to the cleaner to arrive, or children go a couple of days without showering for example.

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Personally I would find that attitude in a partner deeply unattractive.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/09/2026 12:36

Wonderlands123 · 22/09/2026 11:27

He'll actually be totally okay with it. It doesn't bother him as much if he has to feed the children a couple of fast food meals or leaves the mess a day or 2 to the cleaner to arrive, or children go a couple of days without showering for example.

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Are you attracted to a father who is too lazy to be a decent parent?!?

Tsubasa1 · 22/09/2026 11:28

I would tell him directly that he is responsible for meals Monday to Friday. Theres no excuses.

Original poster
Wonderlands123 · 22/09/2026 11:27

BirthdayTrash · 22/09/2026 11:21

I’d be sodding off for a long weekend and let him learn the hard way what you do that he apparently can’t see for himself.

He'll actually be totally okay with it. It doesn't bother him as much if he has to feed the children a couple of fast food meals or leaves the mess a day or 2 to the cleaner to arrive, or children go a couple of days without showering for example.

OP posts:
BirthdayTrash · 22/09/2026 11:21

I’d be sodding off for a long weekend and let him learn the hard way what you do that he apparently can’t see for himself.

arethereanyleftatall · 22/09/2026 11:16

Wonderlands123 · 22/09/2026 11:08

Thanks, I have no doubt that he's working hard.
To be honest I think he enjoys working than doing housework so he'd rather focus on earning the money and paying someone else to do it if he can.

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Well sure, many people would. However, he’s not earning any money atm, so…

JHound · 22/09/2026 11:14

Wonderlands123 · 22/09/2026 10:40

I'm sure for him it's not the food. No matter what he eats he always feel tired after eating and he claims it's medical. After awhile he'd get up and can do things but I find lying down in bed right after the meals is rather unattractive to be honest.

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So I am like this tbh. I do eat late but typically after an evening meal I need to laze for a bit! (No illness at all, no overeating, just how I am.)

JHound · 22/09/2026 11:12

It’s unacceptable but I think this is always the challenge with people of differing standards. It’s not that he wants you to do more - he is simply more ok with living with a degree of mess.

The cooking bit is unacceptable though. Nothing stopping him doing more around the home while job hunting.

Original poster
Wonderlands123 · 22/09/2026 11:08

Bringemout · 22/09/2026 10:46

I would trust that if DH told me he was working hard at finding a new job that it’s exactly what he was doing. So if the house wasn’t perfect when I got home I would understand or if dinner was a quick job, thats totally fine. I would at a minimum expect dishes away, dinner done and school drop offs etc and then pitching in fairly in the evening.

I would be very understanding if Dh was going through the interview stage and was prepping for those and would tolerate taking the lions share if it meant he was focussed on getting employed,

Thanks, I have no doubt that he's working hard.
To be honest I think he enjoys working than doing housework so he'd rather focus on earning the money and paying someone else to do it if he can.

OP posts:
BirthdayTrash · 22/09/2026 10:50

“I don’t use my vagina for any household task, so there is fuck all reason you can’t do them either. I am not prepared to carry you any longer. Let’s use this life change to reset the balance in our relationship because if you don’t step up and take equal responsibility for every element of parenting and home care, you’ll be doing it all on your own in your own house soon.”

arethereanyleftatall · 22/09/2026 10:48

Goinggreymammy · 22/09/2026 10:46

My DH used to do this in the early years of us living together. It drove me nuts. Turns out gluten doesn't agree with him (not coeliac though) and makes him very sluggish. Changed to gluten free or avoided carb heavy meals and much better.

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Yes, this is what I meant. I probably shouldn’t have said ‘unhealthy’ but rather ‘doesn’t suit his body’

Chilly80 · 22/09/2026 10:47

If he feels tired after eating that he needs to lie down he should see a doctor

Wheresmymaternalinstinct · 22/09/2026 10:47

And seriously, he needs to lie down after a meal? I's he 90?

Bringemout · 22/09/2026 10:46

I would trust that if DH told me he was working hard at finding a new job that it’s exactly what he was doing. So if the house wasn’t perfect when I got home I would understand or if dinner was a quick job, thats totally fine. I would at a minimum expect dishes away, dinner done and school drop offs etc and then pitching in fairly in the evening.

I would be very understanding if Dh was going through the interview stage and was prepping for those and would tolerate taking the lions share if it meant he was focussed on getting employed,

Wheresmymaternalinstinct · 22/09/2026 10:46

He was clever enough to realise that if he pretends he needs to lie down after a meal you will get fed up looking at mess and tidy it. But he's not clever enough to realise when things need to be done around the house? Hmm

Goinggreymammy · 22/09/2026 10:46

arethereanyleftatall · 22/09/2026 10:34

As a slight aside, if someone is exhausted after meals, then that means the food is too unhealthy in some form or other. Veggies, salads, meats, fish etc don’t render you exhausted after eating them.

My DH used to do this in the early years of us living together. It drove me nuts. Turns out gluten doesn't agree with him (not coeliac though) and makes him very sluggish. Changed to gluten free or avoided carb heavy meals and much better.

Original poster
Wonderlands123 · 22/09/2026 10:44

Pinkflamingo10 · 22/09/2026 10:35

He should 100% have a hot dinner ready for you when you get in from work.
that leaves him plenty of job hunting time in the day
whenever I’m at home in the day I would always have dinner ready for husband coming in from a long day at work and vice versa

That's my expectation too but he is saying him learning / researching while job hunting is more than a full time job.
Even when he had a job before, he always worked from home anyway so this is no difference. He is spending as much time at his desk as before, except no money coming in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wonderlands123 · 22/09/2026 10:40

arethereanyleftatall · 22/09/2026 10:34

As a slight aside, if someone is exhausted after meals, then that means the food is too unhealthy in some form or other. Veggies, salads, meats, fish etc don’t render you exhausted after eating them.

I'm sure for him it's not the food. No matter what he eats he always feel tired after eating and he claims it's medical. After awhile he'd get up and can do things but I find lying down in bed right after the meals is rather unattractive to be honest.

OP posts:
InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 22/09/2026 10:38

Why are you cooking after work? I’d make it clear he’s doing the cooking and let him get on with it. You’re sending the wrong message. Send your child to him to resolve things.

Pinkflamingo10 · 22/09/2026 10:35

He should 100% have a hot dinner ready for you when you get in from work.
that leaves him plenty of job hunting time in the day
whenever I’m at home in the day I would always have dinner ready for husband coming in from a long day at work and vice versa

arethereanyleftatall · 22/09/2026 10:34

As a slight aside, if someone is exhausted after meals, then that means the food is too unhealthy in some form or other. Veggies, salads, meats, fish etc don’t render you exhausted after eating them.

Comtesse · 22/09/2026 10:29

On the basis he is cranking on job search and he earns multiples of your salary I would give him some head space. But no reason at all why he can’t cook Mon, Weds, Fri nights say.
Having a lie down after dinner ffs is a bit hopeless!

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