To make grandson do drug tests otherwise he can’t stay living here?

Commenting to boost for you, it’s hard because how can you force him, and would you want him on the streets? X

I'm so sorry. I really dont know what to suggest, except that he obviously desperately needs some professional help. He's had a very difficult life and is obviously badly affected by it.

I think you should call a drugs line like Frank and ask for their advice initially.

The best thing you can do is get all the family to act as role models in this child’s life, take him out to dinner, offer him a night out - get him to feel as loved as possible because he is internalising the abandonment from his parents. He really needs therapy if you can afford it - I would reccomend trauma based. There is a therapy using a light bar which pushes trauma back into the brain - I would reccomend that.

I’m so sorry for the trouble your family has had and the loss of your son.

No I would not to do this- I wouldn’t ask him to do a test (especially something from Amazon- god knows how reliable that is) and I wouldn’t kick him out unless he is violent towards you or similar. He needs some pretty substantial mental health support and the chance to see a more positive future.

Perhaps you could tell him he’ll need to do it in 8 weeks to give Anthint there a chance to clear
sorry your family has had so much sadness xx

Honestly, I have no experience so don’t know what to usefully suggest, you have all been dealt some really hard cards. It sounds like he needs to engage with those professionals and that needs to be your priority, but if he won’t, I’m not sure what the answer is.

You can’t force a 17-year-old to engage, but you also can’t be expected to have no boundaries or just accept behaviour that puts either of you at risk.

I’m not sure the drug test is the hill I’d die on, though. If he refuses it, that doesn’t actually tell you whether he’s using anything, and if he is, a positive test doesn’t address why or what support he needs. I’d probably make the boundary about his behaviour and what you can safely have in your home rather than making him prove whether he’s taking drugs.

Given his history, I think I’d be looking for any possible professional advice for myself (if such a thing exists) even if he won’t engage himself, and asking them what you can do as the person caring for him.

I fear this will get harder once he turns 18, I hope you manage to get some support 🩷

Oh dear OP. I do understand how hard this must be.

We adopted our DS from a background of drug use and neglect and he has really struggled with issues around identity, self esteem etc., and he went very feral around 15/16 and I am fairly sure drugs were being taken.

I can't give you a one-size-fits-all reply, but the stance I took was that made it very clear I didn't approve of the drugs and anything found at home in his room or in his pockets etc., would be flushed. DH and I lived our lives and DS could fit in or not. If he was around at dinner time then he was included. If he wasn't around and hadn't said when he would be back then I didn't cater for him. And mom's cafe closed at 7.30, so it was toast and cereal after this point.

I made it clear he had choices and that DH and I would always be there to support him to make good choices, but if he chose to make bad choices then the consequences were his problem, not mine.

I didn't go down the testing route because I just felt it was an extra layer of faff I had to do and ultimately didn't change anything as I was prepared to stick with him for the long haul. But it was grim at times.

He is 24 now, I think he dabbles with drugs if they come his way, but I don't think he actively buys them. But so many of his generation do.

He is still at home, still has many issues stemming from his early years. He is diagnosed now with ASD and ADHD and is emotionally much younger than 24. But he has held down a job and does thank us for sticking by him and he appreciates that he was a total knob at that age and that his life could have been very different if we hadn't stuck by him.

I do drug test occasionally now though, especially if he has been with certain people. He often drives me around and as I know he dabbles from time to time I want to ensure he is legal and safe beforehand. He has no issue with being tested either.

I'd talk to him and tell him you love him so much and that you miss his Dad too. I'd talk to your DS and beg him to let his nephew go around again. ATM your dgs feels hurt and is acting out but unless he's aggressive or violent towards you if not kick him out. He needs to feel loved to get back on track. I'd be chatting to him about what his aims for the future are and about jobs. Where does he get the money to buy the weed?

Your DN feels abandoned and unwanted Op, his Dad died, his DM turned her back on him, he takes drugs to shut out all that rejection and hurt. It's interesting his GF was in care, she probably understands what it's like to be unwanted.
It's hard but unless you can convince him to get professional help he'll end up as a drug addict, possibly for life - this really is the last chance to help even if he is cold and detatched

It's her Grandson

To get through all that unscathed would be a miracle. I think it's a case of deciding what you will and won't be able to put up with and drawing your lines, including making it a priority for him to engage with any professional help you can get him do do, and not giving up on that, and being realistic with your expectations.

Get him help op. Take him away from the area and bad memories and get him help. This is your last chance to help him. He's been rejected his whole life his dad dying by overdose in his eyes means hes been rejected then rejected twice by his mother. The kid needs help.

No I probably wouldn’t demand a drug test altho I totally get why you’re saying that

poor kid
what an awful start
he’s very fortunate to have your family. Id prob not demand a drug test for him to stay. I’d not want him to feel abandoned by another person

Apologies Op, that makes it even sadder. I'm sorry for the loss of your son and your problems with your Grandson

The way you say he’s not pleasant to live with give me pause. My whole family have had lives ruined through drug addiction. It’s ok to prioritise yourselves OP, having prioritised others your whole life. I watched my parents try to help a case like this, it killed one of them and broke the other. You have to do what’s right for you, too. He has the rest of his life to sort himself out, and that’s ultimately up to him.

This must be so hard. At a slightly younger age I went off the rails a bit, drugs, running away, weekends partying in random flats with random people when I was about 15. I didnt have a traumatic childhood at all, and was very loved and secure. The group of people I hung around with back then are basically 50/50 done well for themselves vs prison/benefits/dead. The ones with the supportive adults in their life throughout and despite the behaviour are all in the first group.

But he is older, possibly further into the lifestyle and definitely has a lot more trauma than any of us did.

I do think you should try and be there for him but not at the expense of you. Therapy, EMDR maybe, or similar would really help I think.