AIBU for being uncomfortable with my gay coworker's comments

I think you’re being quite harsh on him. He shouldn’t need to do the standard ‘thoughts and prayers are with the family’ comment like a politician on TV when he’s just developing a conversation with familiar adults. Unless he’s a complete arsehole, it goes without saying that he thinks what happened to those children is awful.

i disagree with his stance on LGBT rights for transgender prisoners, but i think no you’re coming across as overly judgemental of someone who will already face discrimination.

I'd say he has a point, considering the double mention of LGBT perpetrators in quick succession. The media gives these cases extra attention because they know it will be divisive, and it obviously works because criminals who happen to be LGBT are now being represented disproportionately to real life in your conversation.

I also think it's quite normal for a member of a marginalised group to say this. I have Muslim friends who feel understandably stressed and misrepresented when an extremist is on the news. It doesn't mean they feel any less sorry for the victims, because people can and do care about 2 things at once.

I voted YABU because this is a crap conversation to have at work and will inevitably lead to issues like this.

I'd find his politicised focus distasteful and self-absorbed, try to change the subject, and hope it doesn't come up too often in future. Some people seem to see everything through a certain lens, not realising that they're doing their cause more harm than good.

Gay men can also be stupid dickheads - just like everyone else.

I agree with you OP. There’s a time and a place for his political statements, and it wasn’t then. He was pity stealing from the victims of the discussion. It’s self centred.

It probably was at first. I think if you had been telling him about this crime he may have been repulsed and upset like most people. But you weren't telling him the news, I presume it was something you both were aware of already and possibly read articles on. He probably had time to think about it before coming up with this thought.

How do uou know that wasn't his first thought, these are not recent cases, they've been discussed at length in the media and online. And as pp said, if others had already discussed how awful and tragic the cases were he probably didn't feel it needed reiterating, and wanted to add another angle to the discussion. That's how conversations go, they grow and diversify. What would be the point of all sitting in a circle to go over, and over how awful child abuse is?

"the coworker I mentioned before decided to mention a case about a 9 year old girl who was violated by a transgender woman, as well as the baby who happened to have been adopted/ fostered by a gay couple and was killed."

I would find it strange that a co-worker mentioned two cases that were related to being transgender and gay. I'd wonder if they had a bit of an issue (the same as if for example they'd mentioned two cases related to ethnicity) which I guess maybe why he reacted defensively.

I think YABU to classify the point he was making as his first thought, unless by that you mean it should remain the only thing discussed especially when it's already been commented on, it sounds like he was giving you his broader concerns as someone in the LGBT community that others will face discrimination just like many other groups will feel when someone commits an attack and the group the perpetrator belongs to is described as a factor. Office chitchat isn't someone making a full statement on their morals. It sounds like a heavy / inappropriate topic to be discussing at work tbh.

Have you not? My kids are brown and when a brown kids have been involved in high-profile cases i'm sad to say i do think "oh shit, i hope this doesn't affect them"

I did you grow up around the times of the "race riots"?

He's looking at it from the point of view of a group of people that have been outlawed and persecuted in the past for doing nothing wrong. Gay men and women used to get routinely beaten on the streets only a few decades ago. It's not really suprising that slightest thing in the news that might cause society to turn on gay men and women again is genuinely feared.

My best friend was gay (sadly she's dead now), one of the kindest, friendliest, gentlest people you could know. She got puched and kicked many times by just random members of the public back in the 90s. I got punched and spat on twice just for being friends with her. People would use any excuse to hate on gay men and women, most of those people are still alive and bringing up their families today.

The awful tragic cases of children that were abused by people from the lgbt community are just as sick and utterly detestable as any other abuse case. Sadly however some bigoted people will use these cases to focus on the fact that the abusers were lgbt and stir up hate against perfectly innocent people.

Maybe it was insensitve of your colleague to brush past how terrible those abuse cases were to discuss the real fear they cause amoung some people in the lgbt community. Unless you have ever feared walking down the street in case you're beaten up, or having to clean spit out of your hair, you might find it hard to understand why your colleague is so concerned.

Perhaps stear clear of those types of difficult conversation in the future.

I think he has a point but to make is straight away in relation to that case sounds a bit cold. But it's probably true. When an individual from a minority does something awful people immediately profile them, if he was an immigrant from Nigeria (for argument sake) and there was a very high profile case similar to Preston about a Nigerian, there would absolutely be a bias against Nigerians. But if it was a young English woman from Liverpool, no one would say young people from Liverpool should be treated with more suspicion. That generalised attitude is only reserved for where there is already a prejudice whether it's a known thing or an unconscious bias.

I see where he is coming from. When you suffer discrimination and have spent your life being marginalized for being different than the majority, it must be very stressful when someone from 'your community' commits a crime or in these cases really horrendous atrocities. It gives the haters even more fuel to discriminate and persecute you.

It’s probably something that feels very at the fore for him. The comments on some of the stories about the baby were extremely anti LGBT and while we can all acknowledge the horror of what happened to the children we cannot change it or fight against the fact it has happened. Whereas the homophobia on show may well ramp up against people like your coworker and his partner.

I think it was inappropriate for any of this to be discussed but no I don’t think it was wrong of him to say that his minority group will likely see further Pain because of the actions of those reprehensible men.

If he only mentioned about discrimation against gay men and not transgender people, would you have felt more comfortable?

I think it's fairly normal actually. The same way people say how hard it will be for muslims after an islamist terrorist attack. They will now all be given a much harder time. The same way when an immigrant is accused of or commits a crime and people say the far right will have a field day now.

They've usually got a point and it doesn't necessarily mean that they care more about that than the actual victims. It's just that sympathy for the victims is more of a given that everybody has already expressed and it's obvious most people are going to feel. He's just talking about another issue that arises from it.

Your being unreasonable for even getting into a conversation like this. Don't you laugh and joke and make small talk. It's too heavy and depressing. Now you've found out the hard way and had to post

Everyone is allowed their opinion. It tells you that you probably won't have much in common.

His comments and attitude is pretty grim