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Original poster

AIBU to think this reaction from a friend is bonkers? (and also insensitive)

427 replies

ChasingMars · 21/09/2026 10:35

Backstory, I have a close friend, let's call her Abbie Scott for ease. We exchange WhatsApps daily, general chatter, have a great day etc. DH also kniws her well, they got on brilliantly, to the extent we are all planning a big holiday together next year.

Saturday morning DH has my phone as he's using it to post stuff on Vinted. Message comes through from Abbie, good morning, happy weekend etc. DH replies with 'good morning Scottseroonie' or similar daft appropriation of her surname.

I follow up with 'sorry that was DH' laughing faces and then a typical reply and mention that today is rough as I'm taking the youngest to uni. We have talked about this at length over the last few months and she knows I have been really struggling with the idea of an empty nest and has expressed sympathy.

I don't get a reply for 6 hours, a reply then comes through just as I have got in the car after dropping DS off, so accept I was pretty emotional, but I was genuinely stunned by this reaction...

'Not funny. Please do not use my surname in this way. It landed badly ChasingMars'

A few minutes later another message saying..

'I hope DS got there ok and settling in'.

Which felt like an afterthought.

I replied with an apology and said DS was fine but I was struggling.

No replyintil the following day when she sent 'I hope today is a better day for you'.

AIBU to think this is both a bizarre reaction and completely insensitive timing??? And that I should expect better from a really close friend when I'm going through something really tough for me?

OP posts:
Suchevilforebodings · 21/09/2026 16:52

ChasingMars · 21/09/2026 16:36

I have apologised. 3 times now and I'm being told it is deeply unsettling and she needs time

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Just give her time then

Error404FucksNotFound · 21/09/2026 16:48

You've done enough apologising now. Just leave her to it.

Iloveacurry · 21/09/2026 16:48

I think she overreacted. You’ve apologised, 3 times I may add! Just leave her to it.

LAMPS1 · 21/09/2026 16:47

So sorry, I don't know what else I can do after 3 apologies...

Absolutely nothing more.
With each new apology you fuel her fire.

My guess is she suddenly had reason to suspect there were three of you in your on-line friendship and that was very disconcerting to her. Horrifying in fact, if she had confided in you with her personal stuff.

But you have already reassured her on that. Such is her shock at what your DH might have read, that she is faltering over the trust issue going forward.

Just leave it and respectfully give her time to come to her decision …..as she requested.

Don’t apologise again and please don’t even mention your own sadness about your empty nest.

Original poster
ChasingMars · 21/09/2026 16:45

OneNewEagle · 21/09/2026 16:38

Does she do FaceTime if not phone calls ? So you can see her face and apologise. if not leave her alone for a bit or arrange to drive up and see her or meet halfway. She’s hurt and upset as she’s told you.

No. It's messages only.

OP posts:
MotherofPufflings · 21/09/2026 16:44

ChasingMars · 21/09/2026 16:37

She does seem to fall out with friends and relatives quite regularly, I have been on the receiving end of complaints about other friends. It's never happened to me before

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I hope you can see then that it's her not you. If you want to be charitable, then you could take it as a sign that she is secure enough in the friendship that she feels able to behave this way and know you'll still be her friend.

She's probably complaining about you to others though now. Personally, I wouldn't be grovelling any more, you know deep down her reaction is completely disproportionate.

PurpleVine · 21/09/2026 16:43

her reaction is bonkers. i could understand if your h sent something offensive. one of my mates was regularly called hunt the cunt when he was at school.

but i don't see anything upsetting about what your h said. fair enough not to find it funny as everyone is different, but her text was way ott.

i'd back off from her and leave her to wallow. after some thinking time she might cop on that she's being precious.

Whyherewego · 21/09/2026 16:42

I think you've done all you can now OP. You have apologised profusely and she wants time. It sounds like this nickname triggered something deep inside her (maybe she had horribly bullying at a child and thwy used that name?). We don't know why she's found it so hard but she's admitted to you it was and she needs to work that out.
This is not about you or DH really. Just some past trauma that has resurfaced and unfortunately it seems it was so bad she can't do anything else other than retreat. Give her time she may come back and explain

Original poster
ChasingMars · 21/09/2026 16:41

OneNewEagle · 21/09/2026 16:39

Has he?

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Read above, I sent thd apology from both of us

OP posts:
OneNewEagle · 21/09/2026 16:39

ChasingMars · 21/09/2026 16:38

I get this. I have apologised

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Has he?

Lionlionlioness · 21/09/2026 16:39

Ah. Your turn. Sorry about the loss of your friend when you're already struggling with empty nest. This season will pass, turn towards nurturing/making friends who are more stable and consistent.

OneNewEagle · 21/09/2026 16:38

Does she do FaceTime if not phone calls ? So you can see her face and apologise. if not leave her alone for a bit or arrange to drive up and see her or meet halfway. She’s hurt and upset as she’s told you.

Original poster
ChasingMars · 21/09/2026 16:38

OneNewEagle · 21/09/2026 16:37

I’ve also had people making fun of my name my whole life. In a very similar vein. It’s always seen as a loving nice thing. It’s not loving and nice its horrible.

your husband should not be going around calling people names or replying to messages that have been sent to you.

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I get this. I have apologised

OP posts:
Lionlionlioness · 21/09/2026 16:38

If I got that message back from her tbh I'd pull way back. Give her as much space and time as she wants, she's clearly got some issue that you're unaware of but have triggered somehow

TimetoPour · 21/09/2026 16:37

In all honesty, I would leave her to it.

Nothing said was indecent, derogatory, unkind or malicious.

You’ve apologised that DH “joke” was off the mark. Don’t keep at it otherwise you will continue to fuel her completely unreasonable and crazy reaction.

Original poster
ChasingMars · 21/09/2026 16:37

MotherofPufflings · 21/09/2026 16:35

I wouldn't be super happy about a friend's husband having access to our chat messages. But her reaction is beyond weird, as are the responses defending her and criticising you. Has there been anything like this before? Does she have a history of friendships that go wrong?

She does seem to fall out with friends and relatives quite regularly, I have been on the receiving end of complaints about other friends. It's never happened to me before

OP posts:
OneNewEagle · 21/09/2026 16:37

ChasingMars · 21/09/2026 16:34

I understand this. It was spur of the mom6and I have apologised

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I’ve also had people making fun of my name my whole life. In a very similar vein. It’s always seen as a loving nice thing. It’s not loving and nice its horrible.

your husband should not be going around calling people names or replying to messages that have been sent to you.

Original poster
ChasingMars · 21/09/2026 16:36

Suchevilforebodings · 21/09/2026 16:34

All she did was let you know she didn't like it. Which is what a good friend should do.

A friend close friend once told me she didn't like a joke I kept making and said can you please not do that any more. I was a bit embarrassed and upset that I had upset her but I just apologised, never did it again, and moved on. We'd been friends for years before that and friends for years since. No biggie.

Just do the same. Apologise and move on. Shit happens.

I have apologised. 3 times now and I'm being told it is deeply unsettling and she needs time

OP posts:
MotherofPufflings · 21/09/2026 16:35

I wouldn't be super happy about a friend's husband having access to our chat messages. But her reaction is beyond weird, as are the responses defending her and criticising you. Has there been anything like this before? Does she have a history of friendships that go wrong?

Suchevilforebodings · 21/09/2026 16:34

All she did was let you know she didn't like it. Which is what a good friend should do.

A friend close friend once told me she didn't like a joke I kept making and said can you please not do that any more. I was a bit embarrassed and upset that I had upset her but I just apologised, never did it again, and moved on. We'd been friends for years before that and friends for years since. No biggie.

Just do the same. Apologise and move on. Shit happens.

Netcurtainnelly · 21/09/2026 16:34

ChasingMars · 21/09/2026 16:29

The friend in question HATES phone contact and always sticks to messaging, so this would not have helped unfortunately. She also lives 2 hours away so unfI cannot pop round with cake and an apology or I would have done. So sorry, I don't know what else I can do after 3 apologies...

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If people refuse phone contact which is a bit weird in itself. then they will always leave themselves and their friends open to misunderstandings.

Original poster
ChasingMars · 21/09/2026 16:34

OneNewEagle · 21/09/2026 16:33

She probably didn’t like messaging you and instead of you your husband replied. I’d not like that either.

I understand this. It was spur of the mom6and I have apologised

OP posts:
OneNewEagle · 21/09/2026 16:33

She probably didn’t like messaging you and instead of you your husband replied. I’d not like that either.

ChristopherPringle · 21/09/2026 16:30

What an over reaction from her part. I couldn’t be friends with someone who was so easily offended. You have apologised and now step away from the friendship. You have done nothing wrong.

Original poster
ChasingMars · 21/09/2026 16:29

Netcurtainnelly · 21/09/2026 16:24

FOR HEAVENS SAKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH PICKING UP THE PHONE. YOU DONT KEEP MESSAGING A FRIEND LIKE THIS. YOU SPEAK OR MEET. WHERE YOU CAN JUDGE VOICE TONE ETC. BODY LANGUAGE IF IN PERSON.

SOME PEOPLE TRULY HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO HANDLE ANYTHING PROPERLY.
STOP ALL THE TEXTING.

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The friend in question HATES phone contact and always sticks to messaging, so this would not have helped unfortunately. She also lives 2 hours away so unfI cannot pop round with cake and an apology or I would have done. So sorry, I don't know what else I can do after 3 apologies...

OP posts: