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Original poster

Being told to be grateful for child maintenance

60 replies

SugarMuffins · 21/09/2026 09:59

My ex has never really paid child maintenance. I took him through CMS and, other than a few pounds taken from his benefits, he didn’t have to pay much because he often had debts that took priority. Otherwise, I’d get around £7 a week. This has always been the case for years.
Recently, he apparently had a change of heart and said he wanted to start paying regularly. He said that if he couldn’t pay, he would contact me beforehand and explain why. (He does not see the children at all.)
It lasted 4 months. He’s now missed the last 2 months and I haven’t heard anything from him.
Someone told me I should be grateful that he paid anything at all and that I should be grateful for whatever I get.
I don’t really understand this attitude. Child maintenance is supposed to be a contribution towards the costs of raising his children, not a favour to me.
AIBU to hate when people tell women they should be grateful for child maintenance?

OP posts:
JustAnotherWhinger · 21/09/2026 11:59

Cooshawn · 21/09/2026 10:59

Some people are too stupid to see maintenance as being for the child, not for the resident parent.

It's also seen as "free income" because it's disregarded from benefits calculations and tax liabilities. Personally I think it should be treated as income, but that there's a legal requirement for a non-resident parent to pay CMS, with legal consequences for non-payment and a burden to liquidise assets, or the government apply a charge against them, to meet the payments if needed.

It is quite the irony that so many people see it as free income because it’s not included as income when the reason it isn’t is because when the bulk of it when to the Sec of State to go toward the welfare bill (the RP at that point only for to keep £20 a week if they were on benefits) the debt got so huge it was decided that something had to be done…

So they said RPs could just keep the money that they knew mostly doesn’t get paid

JustAnotherWhinger · 21/09/2026 11:57

Socially there is a stinking attitude toward child maintenance

Original poster
SugarMuffins · 21/09/2026 11:57

Myfridgeiscool · 21/09/2026 11:56

I had a CMS call handler tell me I was lucky to receive payment…some parents get nothing.
I wonder if she’s still working for them!

You know it’s bad when people who get nothing are telling people who get nothing £7 a week they are lucky 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Myfridgeiscool · 21/09/2026 11:56

I had a CMS call handler tell me I was lucky to receive payment…some parents get nothing.
I wonder if she’s still working for them!

Varnicka · 21/09/2026 11:53

Cooshawn · 21/09/2026 10:59

Some people are too stupid to see maintenance as being for the child, not for the resident parent.

It's also seen as "free income" because it's disregarded from benefits calculations and tax liabilities. Personally I think it should be treated as income, but that there's a legal requirement for a non-resident parent to pay CMS, with legal consequences for non-payment and a burden to liquidise assets, or the government apply a charge against them, to meet the payments if needed.

Me too, a set allowance per child should be paid by the state and reimbursed by the non resident parent. If that parent can’t afford it, it should be recorded as a debt and treated like any other debt.

Cooshawn · 21/09/2026 10:59

Some people are too stupid to see maintenance as being for the child, not for the resident parent.

It's also seen as "free income" because it's disregarded from benefits calculations and tax liabilities. Personally I think it should be treated as income, but that there's a legal requirement for a non-resident parent to pay CMS, with legal consequences for non-payment and a burden to liquidise assets, or the government apply a charge against them, to meet the payments if needed.

Original poster
SugarMuffins · 21/09/2026 10:32

What do you think £7 a week pays for? I’ve never got anything!

OP posts:
Original poster
SugarMuffins · 21/09/2026 10:32

Have you read my post, I have never got anything, unless you are including £7 a week? Do you think I should feel lucky to receive that because some people get nothing?

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 21/09/2026 10:30

OP, how careful with words is the person who spoke to you? Maybe they didn’t mean grateful: perhaps they actually meant that given your ex’s track record, you were lucky to have got anything. It is a sad fact that many an ex-wife never gets anything by way of maintenance for the DC.

Varnicka · 21/09/2026 10:09

Nobody with any sense would say you should be grateful. There’s some parents at the very start and very end of the bell curve who are better off than they would be otherwise, but for the vast majority, it doesn’t come close to covering half the costs.