Being told to be grateful for child maintenance

The dad still wouldn’t be going ‘above and beyond’ even if that were the case.

There’s been threads on here where dads have indeed had their children 50% or near enough and still paid lots in CM but the mum comes here to whinge she wants even more. Again, this is rare and more dads like OP’s exist. I just think any mum whinging that she “only” gets, say, 2k a month plus he sees the kids when people like OP deal with no help should probably feel grateful for it, yes.

No one should feel grateful or lucky because a father pays for his children.

I would say you were unlucky to have had children with someone who isn't part of their lives and doesn't contribute to raising them financially or emotionally.

It's disregarded as income as it's simply too unreliable. When it was counted then a lone parent in receipt of benefits was having those benefits adjusted to take account of the maintenance. But the admin costs of having to repeatedly recalculate the benefit entitlement to reflect partial or non-payment of maintenance ended up costing more than simply disregarding it.

Of course, if the CMS or any of its predecessors had made any serious effort to pursue non-res parents who can't be arsed to pay then that wouldn't have been a problem. But the political will just isn't there.

Well said! Many of us want more than the bare minimum for our children.

Tbh I think we need to remove gratitude from CM.

Nobody should feel grateful for it. It’s a basic thing. The only reason it’s thought some should feel grateful is because so many get away with not paying.

If the societal norm was for CM to be paid without any issues there wouldn’t be the need for gratitude.

It also enhances the thing that fathers who do basics are somehow especially good men and they’re not. Societal standards are just too bloody low.

Tbh I think we need to remove gratitude from CM.

Nobody should feel grateful for it. It’s a basic thing. The only reason it’s thought some should feel grateful is because so many get away with not paying.

If the societal norm was for CM to be paid without any issues there wouldn’t be the need for gratitude.

It also enhances the thing that fathers who do basics are somehow especially good men and they’re not. Societal standards are just too bloody low.

Tbh I think we need to remove gratitude from CM.

Nobody should feel grateful for it. It’s a basic thing. The only reason it’s thought some should feel grateful is because so many get away with not paying.

If the societal norm was for CM to be paid without any issues there wouldn’t be the need for gratitude.

It also enhances the thing that fathers who do basics are somehow especially good men and they’re not. Societal standards are just too bloody low.

How can paying for your own children be ‘above and beyond’? I’m a single mum, if I earn really well am I also going ‘above and beyond’? Particularly if I only actually parent less than 50% off the time?

Single parents are already significantly disadvantaged by the tax system. To move the tax burden from the payer to the payee would only increase that disadvantage.

I think cases like yours are the reason why some mums who receive lots in CM should probably be grateful, yes. Some dads do go above and beyond what is expected and pay far more than the government would ask them to, though I’d say that’s vanishingly rare and more are sadly like your ex. It makes them stand out as a result. The bare minimum CMS demands of any NRP isn’t enough.

I'm suggesting that whoever is the end recipient of income should be liable for the appropriate tax. Perhaps it should be a pre-tax salary deduction? I don't know. But the fact that it's disregarded as income is a huge contributor to the attitude some have towards it.

You can edit a post while someone is in the prop was of writing a reply.

MN really should change it so they as soon as the quote button is pressed you cannot as it makes replies look really odd sometimes

Yes I added that before she replied, you can’t edit once it has been up for any length of time or if someone has reacted or replied.

I edited to add the bit because I knew what was coming next from Op and that she was immediately going to assume you was personal when it actually was not. I tried to head off the inevitable reply that was coming if I didn’t fix it.

Ive not actually at any point said anything other than what op is failing to consider is context. And that claims that it is never a woman’s fault that a man doesn’t pay for their children isn’t strictly true. If you choose a man who doesn’t work you have chosen a man who cannot pay.

I agree you absolutely cannot blame ALL women, but SOME do cause their own problems by having children with unsuitable men. However, even if you choose an unsuitable man, I’m not saying women should be blamed fully, I’m just saying that they have contributed to the situation.

Any woman who tells you to think yourself lucky... tell them its not a flex.

Both of your ex's can be deadbeats, those two things can be true, one isnt better than the other because he pays £7, they are both shit. You've both got out, left them behind; thats good, don't defend their shitness because its not as shit as Sharon has it!

Its not a race to the bottom.

It’s a sign of the dire state of CMS that anyone is considered lucky to get it, but can understand the comments tend to come from people who have received nothing and so would be thankful even to have that £7. Lucky is the wrong word though.

Income tax has already been paid on the money by the NRP. Are you suggesting the resident parent ALSO pay tax on the same money?

YANBU your ex is pathetic excuse of a father

I always received regular maintenance and a good amount simply because my ds dad is a higher earner he is also very involved in his child’s life and supportive towards his child he is a good dad

but never have I been grateful and shut this down when told I’m lucky as this message tells ds he should be grateful too but why should I expect any less for our child and he paid for things on top of maintenance (clothes etc) because he loves his child and is in a position too that’s what good loving parents do

I’m thankful I’m not in the position that many single mums are and I appreciate that I have had had it easier but not grateful as this should be the standard

The bar is so so low that that we tell women be grateful for maintenance is so wrong it once again takes away responsibility for all these pathetic men who hi happen to be fathers

Again, you’ve misread it…

I don’t think that’s what the poster was saying

It's mad. It's not a gift, it's not a kindness, it's a contribution to the upbringing of their child, it's often the bare minimum.

Absolutely insane that children are not considered a priority. Your responsibilities towards your children should be the number one priority and society should be organised to reflect that expectation.