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AIBU to want half of the pension after divorce?

1000 replies

DivorcingDebbie25 · 20/09/2026 21:46

Trying to avoid drip feed. Am sixty. Married 40 years. Kids are 40/38. I’ve never really worked. Husband had corporate career. I have been waiting for him to retire for years but it’s become clear that will never happen. He is rarely at home, constantly doing adventure stuff or pursuing his hobby. I’ve given up waiting and I want a divorce. He’s not fought me on it and clearly we are just done. I’ve moved out into rented and he’s paying my rent and expenses- clearing credit card etc.

We are reasonably civil but he says asking for half is ridiculous. He says that the only real assets are his massive pension fund, my smaller one and our house which we will sell. I think he should give me half the value of the pension fund but he says that’s not possible. He says half the house and then we combine the value of the pensions and I get the equivalent of half the income from it. Surely I can just ask for the value and then do what I want with it? It feels very controlling.

I will of course get a lawyer but wanted to check if I’m being unreasonable in asking for my half? What about future income / inheritance etc? Once I’m divorced do I lose all claim on that even though I’ve supported him to earn this money and to see the return on investments that won’t come through for a few years?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
likelysuspect · 21/09/2026 20:42

Mattsmum2 · 21/09/2026 20:36

My ex husband took £150k of my pension which was transferred to him under an order, which can be done. The start of the negotiations is adding everything up and then starting at 50/50. My ex brought nothing to our 3 year marriage, I owned my house, with a mortgage, yet because he had no where to live I had to give him enough to buy something. He arrived with one suitcase and left with enough to buy a small flat outright! I on the other hand now have a reduced pension. The only people who get rich from any divorce are lawyers, I paid £10k in fees and he paid next to nothing. Good luck.

This is the reason I would never marry.

Thinkofnewthings · 21/09/2026 20:45

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 20:41

Well that is awful and morally horrible! OPs position is so different. Dedicated her life thinking this marriage was forever and over the years slowly realised it’s not and now she’s totally boxed in. OP deserves her fair share. Your ex didn’t!

It doesn’t matter who deserves what. This is not a moral or ethical quandary. In a marriage contract, all assets are jointly owned. It doesn’t matter who paid for them or worked for them. There can be some exceptions to do with inheritances and the like.

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 20:47

andthat · 21/09/2026 20:33

What does your husband earn annually @DivorcingDebbie25? To have several million in a pension at age 60 he must have been paying in £££ for years and years.

Exactly, which makes it harder to understand why other posters are so shocked that she hasn’t had an established carter . It wasn’t just her choice - he funded and wanted her home also. No doubt enjoying the freedom it gave him during the childcare years, the cleaning and cooking. Free to network, attend events at the drop of an hat and socialise with colleagues. Always having someone home. This is such an underrated privilege so many men and woman take for granted. This woman has worked but she may not have the payslips to show for it. She still brought something to that table. Now she’s deserves her share of that work if the marriage has failed.

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 20:47

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 20:47

Exactly, which makes it harder to understand why other posters are so shocked that she hasn’t had an established carter . It wasn’t just her choice - he funded and wanted her home also. No doubt enjoying the freedom it gave him during the childcare years, the cleaning and cooking. Free to network, attend events at the drop of an hat and socialise with colleagues. Always having someone home. This is such an underrated privilege so many men and woman take for granted. This woman has worked but she may not have the payslips to show for it. She still brought something to that table. Now she’s deserves her share of that work if the marriage has failed.

#career not Carter 🫣

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 20:50

Thinkofnewthings · 21/09/2026 20:45

It doesn’t matter who deserves what. This is not a moral or ethical quandary. In a marriage contract, all assets are jointly owned. It doesn’t matter who paid for them or worked for them. There can be some exceptions to do with inheritances and the like.

Oh no I completely get that! I’m just saying for this posters experience…3 years of marriage and taking the pension feels very unfair. I don’t know if I could “morally” go for a partners pension after such a short marriage. Where as the OPs situation is different and she fully deserves half that pension!

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · 21/09/2026 20:51

I have a good friend who isn’t working because her husband has a high profile, high pressure job and he is away a lot. They have two small
children, one of whom has a chronic illness. They have a large property (his choice) which takes a lot to keep on top of. She also does a lot for her in laws. It wouldn’t be impossible for her to work but it would be very difficult. I do worry for her long term, and I hope her husband continues to be as nice as he seems to be so far.
I think it’s very easy to say that women should do whatever they can to work, but it’s often easier for some of us than others.

OP, at least your husband sounds fairly reasonable. I hope you can keep things amicable.

SunnyQD · 21/09/2026 20:51

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 12:16

I am the same age as OP and know from experience how hard it would have been to have a good career if her husband worked long hours and also worked away. That might not be the case now but it was 40 years ago. Yes, she could have worked but probably not a high flying career without considerable sacrifice for herself and her children.

That's the thing though. Having a 'high flying career', particularly with a working partner, requires sacrifices and a lot of hard work. Many people are prepared to put in the hard work, the daily grind, make the sacrifices. The OP is not that sort of person. She led a passive life, had no ambition or particular interests. It's no good pretending that she wanted a high flying career but didn't because she was a martyr to her husband's career, when there is no evidence for this at all. The opposite, in fact.

SunnyQD · 21/09/2026 20:54

ThreadGuardDog · 21/09/2026 09:35

It really depends on what the agreement was between them doesn’t it ? OP says her DH was happy for her to stay at home, so if the agreement is there, and a mutual one, the sex of the main earner is irrelevant.

That was my point. The sex should be irrelevant but it isn't on MN. It's always 'poor woman', 'women in their 50s didn't work', 'women have no chance to have their own career', 'women carry the mental load'. That's sexist!

SunnyQD · 21/09/2026 20:56

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · 21/09/2026 12:18

A lot of men make it very difficult for their wives to pursue careers. They don't pull their weight around the house or with the children, and they insist that any childcare costs come out of their wives' income. It's not always easy.
In my house we are pretty much 50:50 on everything, but that is completely down to me pushing it all these years, not necessarily because my DH ever voluntarily decided that he should do more around the house.

I agree with that but it has no relevance to what I wrote. The OP had her DC very young and could have easily pursued a career when they were independent. She chose not to. How many people have a nice easy, high earning career and a wonderful husband given to them on a plate?!

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 20:57

SunnyQD · 21/09/2026 20:51

That's the thing though. Having a 'high flying career', particularly with a working partner, requires sacrifices and a lot of hard work. Many people are prepared to put in the hard work, the daily grind, make the sacrifices. The OP is not that sort of person. She led a passive life, had no ambition or particular interests. It's no good pretending that she wanted a high flying career but didn't because she was a martyr to her husband's career, when there is no evidence for this at all. The opposite, in fact.

I find this really insulting. My husband has a very high flying career. Travels the world and attends all sorts of marvellous award ceremonies and events. I would absolutely love the same. Unfortunately it’s not possible due to certain situations with a child (now a teen). I still work but have to have a low paying job wfh so I can be here 24/7 for our child. I sacrifice a lot to ensure i’m
here for my 24/7 child and my husband gets to work out the house. It’s not because I’m not ambitious it’s because I love and trust I’m not going to be abandoned by my husband but I know it’s also incredibly possible he could do that to me in a blink of an eye. So please never assume a woman staying at home is lazy or meak. It’s actually many times an extremely selfless and vulnerable thing to do.

SunnyQD · 21/09/2026 20:59

SquirrelsAreGo · 21/09/2026 12:47

I got that from the post where she said her had planned to retire at..55? I think she said, maybe 50, anyway, she said he kept moving the date.

I don't think she actually said that . I believe she said that she had been waiting for him to retire for years, not that he had agreed and kept changing his mind.

lljkk · 21/09/2026 21:01

We've established that OP needs to talk to a solicitor.

In terms of what is odd about OP's story... I'm 59. I can't think of a single person my age who got married at 20yo. Or who has had a 100% SAHM adult life. I've known A LOT of women (born 1967-1975) who had babies at age 15-22, but none of them got married because they were pregnant. I'm not criticising OP... it's just.. .so weird that she did that.

It would be even weirder in my parent's social circle (people born early 1940s) to never work, and among my friends' parents: many of them very well off, yet no woman never worked at all. My fundamentalist creationist Christian aunt worked... they all worked. Aunt's fundamentalist kids are the youngest marryers in the extended family, still not as young as 20yo. I think youngest bride was 25yo. (no preggos at baseline).

My dad got married at age 21 in early 1960s which was considered too young by many in the family.

Thinkofnewthings · 21/09/2026 21:02

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 20:50

Oh no I completely get that! I’m just saying for this posters experience…3 years of marriage and taking the pension feels very unfair. I don’t know if I could “morally” go for a partners pension after such a short marriage. Where as the OPs situation is different and she fully deserves half that pension!

It would generally only be half the pension earned to that point. If the marriage was a long time ago, there’s time to rebuild it. But the moral thing is to share everything because that’s what marriage is. There’s no such thing as “my earnings, my pension, etc”. That would be the immoral thing.

Thinkofnewthings · 21/09/2026 21:04

SunnyQD · 21/09/2026 20:56

I agree with that but it has no relevance to what I wrote. The OP had her DC very young and could have easily pursued a career when they were independent. She chose not to. How many people have a nice easy, high earning career and a wonderful husband given to them on a plate?!

How is that relevant? It doesn’t matter whether she worked or not.

SparklingTurquoiseOcean · 21/09/2026 21:04

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 21/09/2026 19:01

I've seen accusations of jealousy and envy pop up a lot in this thread.

Seriously? OP has been schlepping around the house for 40 years. Her whole adult life. Doesn't like to travel. Her husband's been flitting around the globe shagging other women and refuses to quit work and spend time with her.

What exactly about that scenario do you find enviable?

Some days I dislike my job, or dislike the fact I have to work for a living. But I wouldn't trade my life for the OP's in a million years.

Totally agree. I am beholden to nobody.

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 21:05

SunnyQD · 21/09/2026 20:51

That's the thing though. Having a 'high flying career', particularly with a working partner, requires sacrifices and a lot of hard work. Many people are prepared to put in the hard work, the daily grind, make the sacrifices. The OP is not that sort of person. She led a passive life, had no ambition or particular interests. It's no good pretending that she wanted a high flying career but didn't because she was a martyr to her husband's career, when there is no evidence for this at all. The opposite, in fact.

I haven't pretended she did want a high flying career but if she did it wouldn't be easy to have one if her husband was working long hours and away a lot. Maybe not impossible but impossible to do it without affecting the children imo.

CremeDeMure · 21/09/2026 21:11

SunnyQD · 21/09/2026 20:59

I don't think she actually said that . I believe she said that she had been waiting for him to retire for years, not that he had agreed and kept changing his mind.

on the retiring thing he said that he would have enough money to stop at fifty, then 55. Then 58. But he still works

From one of OP's posts.
He has carried on chasing money while she has been waiting for him.

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · 21/09/2026 21:12

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 20:57

I find this really insulting. My husband has a very high flying career. Travels the world and attends all sorts of marvellous award ceremonies and events. I would absolutely love the same. Unfortunately it’s not possible due to certain situations with a child (now a teen). I still work but have to have a low paying job wfh so I can be here 24/7 for our child. I sacrifice a lot to ensure i’m
here for my 24/7 child and my husband gets to work out the house. It’s not because I’m not ambitious it’s because I love and trust I’m not going to be abandoned by my husband but I know it’s also incredibly possible he could do that to me in a blink of an eye. So please never assume a woman staying at home is lazy or meak. It’s actually many times an extremely selfless and vulnerable thing to do.

I agree with you. I have fought long and hard to NOT be in your position, because I know it's a very selfless and vulnerable thing to do. I have seen so many women get screwed over later in life because they were so vulnerable. I hope everything works out for you.

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 21:13

SparklingTurquoiseOcean · 21/09/2026 21:04

Totally agree. I am beholden to nobody.

Which is wonderful for you. You’ve got a steady head on your shoulders. Unfortunately OP trusted her marriage would be forever and now it’s not. I’m sure she wishes or if she could turn back time she would. But she can’t and now she’s owed what she’s sacrificed

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 21:15

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · 21/09/2026 21:12

I agree with you. I have fought long and hard to NOT be in your position, because I know it's a very selfless and vulnerable thing to do. I have seen so many women get screwed over later in life because they were so vulnerable. I hope everything works out for you.

Thank you. I wish I wasn’t in this position but my child is my main focus. I just pray they can live independently. And if the time ever came where my husband trades me in for a younger model or gets bored then I pray I get my fair share for my sacrifice to our marriage.

ClairDeLaLune · 21/09/2026 21:25

Pensions actuary here. You are absolutely entitled to a share of his pension, well in fact his pension is taken into account in the assets to be split on a divorce. If he amassed it entirely during the time he was married to you, then you’re entitled to half its value. (And he’s entitled to half yours, so there would be some offsetting.) He can keep more of it by compensating you from elsewhere, e.g. by giving you half the value of the house.

Ignore the naysayers on here. You could have sat on your arse for 40 years quaffing champagne and spending millions, you’re still entitled to half of everything.

Get a lawyer!

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 21:26

CoffeeandCakeBreak · 21/09/2026 20:27

I don't see why you can't have worked when the children were grown.

Most people have to work. It's very grabby to try and take half of his pension while you sit and do nothing

Jesus…”grabby” is not a word when a marital relationship sets up this scenario. She already stated he could finance her and enjoyed having her “at home”. Yes in hindsight not the wisest decision on her behalf but here she is…60 with no real job experience and trying to work out what happens next. I really thought in this day age of “woman supporting woman”
it didn’t just mean”woman supporting “successful” woman”
I am absolutely gobsmacked by the lashing OP has got. To all you successful career driven woman I hope you know that those woman that are not like you aren’t automatically worthless or “grabby”

walrushurricane · 21/09/2026 21:27

cantthinkofagoodusername2026 · 21/09/2026 21:12

I agree with you. I have fought long and hard to NOT be in your position, because I know it's a very selfless and vulnerable thing to do. I have seen so many women get screwed over later in life because they were so vulnerable. I hope everything works out for you.

Women do get screwed over. That is why I don't understand the negativy towards someone who is not going to be.

Elmer83 · 21/09/2026 21:28

ClairDeLaLune · 21/09/2026 21:25

Pensions actuary here. You are absolutely entitled to a share of his pension, well in fact his pension is taken into account in the assets to be split on a divorce. If he amassed it entirely during the time he was married to you, then you’re entitled to half its value. (And he’s entitled to half yours, so there would be some offsetting.) He can keep more of it by compensating you from elsewhere, e.g. by giving you half the value of the house.

Ignore the naysayers on here. You could have sat on your arse for 40 years quaffing champagne and spending millions, you’re still entitled to half of everything.

Get a lawyer!

Yes!! Absolutely perfectly put!!

Gettingbysomehow · 21/09/2026 21:34

Quite frankly its irrelevant if people think she's dreadful for living off a man and not working. Completely irrelevant and judgy.
They agreed together this is the way they would live.
Only the law matters and as it stands the assets are likely to be split 50/50. In some cases the wives also get maintenance.
But its better to get solicitor's advice on all of this. You wont get much sensible advice on forums.

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